WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LIV, Issue 21, 24 July 1897, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

He Would Wear a Moustache. There was once a Royal Navalßeserve officer — the ship that he was in doesn't matter, for if I name it I shall be giving two people away — who had a moustache that was the pride of the -whole P. & O. service, writes Mr. Fred. T. Jane, the well-known naval correspondent, in the Nautical Magazine, and he came upon manoeuvres with this moustache in fnll trim, thu^ putting the marine officers' noses out of joint. Now, a naval officer with a moustache and no beard had never before been seen upon one of Her Majesty's quarter-decks, and as there chanced to be a German cruiser lying in the harbour at whioh he joined, everyone conoluded that he belonged to her, and the commander, with a German dictionary, showed him round the ship. The R.N.R. was shy, and this was his first experience ; he concluded that some joke was on, and that it would be polite for him to seem to tumble to it, so round the ship he went. They had done about half the vessel when the commander heard that luggage had come aboard with the muostaohe, and then, Btill with the German dictionary, he tried to explain that a mistake had been made, that our friend must go to the other $hip. At the same time it occured to the R N.R. that he really had come to the wrong vessel, and, apologising in his best German (whioh, as he had no dictionary handy, was quite unintelligible) he prepared to depart again , but, fortunately, at this junoture matters somehow got explained. Sympathetic Acquaintance : So sorry to hear of your terrible loss, sir — house burned down and wife's mother consumed in the flames. Dreadful ! Dreadful ! Mr. Ben Israel : Teth, bad bithneth. But there ain't any loth, y' know. They wath both fully inthured !

Yankeedom, it is said, kept up its reputation for wooden nutmegs by rigging a bogus kinetoscope of the Fitz - Corbet t fight. Two bruisers as near like the two men as could be attained were readied-up as Fitz and Corbett, and went through a ' schlenter ' fight, finishing with Fitz's historic heart-blow. The show was said to be for Australia, but the crowd gave itself away by showing first in the States, where some men who had seen the real Roger exploded the fairytale. The promoters deserved a better fateCelebrated Minor Poet : Ah, hostess, how doP Did you get my book I sent you yesterday?' Hostess : Delightful ! I couldn't sleep till I'd read it ! ' My wife is a most original woman,' said Brown. ' Why, when I proposed to her, instead of saying ' This is so sudden, ' she Baid, ' Well, I think it's about time.' ' An Amerioan rural paper, giving a list of the presents received by a newly-married couple, states that ' from Aunt Jane ' was received a cardboard and crewel motto, ' Fight on, fight ever.' ' Tommy, Mollie says you took her piece of cake away from her.' • Yes,' confessed Tommy, 'but she was quarrelling with Jaoky about it, and you told me always to take her part when she was in trouble.' ' Will you warrant these matches not to go out in a high wind ? ' asked the man who was going hunting. ' All of 'm but one,' said the dealer. 'Huh! Which one of 'em is it ? * ' The last one, of course.' Wife : How very extravagant you are, George, to pay seven dollars for a hat ! Husband: Why, confound it, you paid twenty-seven for yours ! Wife : No Buch thing ; I told them to send the bill to you. ' If I only had a place to put all the mud I get on my shoes and clothes playing outdoors these days, I'd soon own a couple of acres — wouldn't I, mamma?' observed Jack, as he prepared to retire for the night. Tourist (who has just given Pat a drink from his flask): That's a drop of good whisky— eh, Pat? Pat: Faith, ye may well say that, sorr. Shure, it wint down my t'roat loike a torchlight procession !