Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume LII, Issue 161, 28 November 1896, Page 2

Wit and Humour.

At a literary gathering ihe conversation turned upon the income of bishops and their benevolent work. " Ah," said a gentleman, "it is easy enough to be good ou salaries of £5000 a year ; but others of us have to be good for nothing, and," looking round, " some of us are." Said a Scotchman to a physioian, who was pouring out ten drops of medicine for a child, "Dinna be so mean wi' it; it's for a poor fatherless bairn !" Ends in a Strike— a matoh. " Why in the world don't you oil that lawn-mower f " she asked, irritably. " The missus told me not to till you had your pianner tuned," replied the neighbour's man, bluntly. A candidate in a Board School grammar examination, according to the "Granta," was recently asked to give an example of the three degrees of comparison. His answer was : " Boil, boiler, bust." Celia: "Mr. Flitter is snoh pleasant company. But then he cays suoh hateful things. He aotually had the audaoity to tell me last evening that he didn't think you were stylish." Delia: "You call that hateful? You should hear a few of the thitgs he says about you !" An old salt, when asked how far north he had ever been, replied that he had been so far north that the cows, when milked beside a red-hot stove, gave ice-cream. An Irishman, meeting another, asked what had become «f their old acquaintance, Patrick Murphy. "Arrah, now, dour honey," answered the other, "poor Pat wax condemned to be hanged, but he saved his life by dying in prison." Thomson) "My wife and I never disagree." Johnson:' "Her word is law, then." This operatic oritioism during the performance of a septet comes frota Dublin. Voioe from the " gods " : " Ooh, the divila ! Look at the seven of them singing it /ranst, the way they'll get done Booner." A New Drink. — Daughter of the House, at the Tenants' Ball: " Now, Mr. Mixen, you must come and have a mazurka with me." Mr. Mixen: "Thank you kindly, miss. Dancing do make me uncommonly dry, to be sure." New Parson (at Deadgulch Chapel) : "Brethren, let us pray." Head Deacon (iv a whisper): "Hold on there, pard. Take that back an' sayyer'll do the prayin' yorself . Some 0' these ducks kin pray an' some uv 'em can't pray, an' the oan'ts 'ill get jealous an' shoot the lights out." "How are you, old ohapP Are you keeping strong ?" " No ; only justj ust managing to keep out of my grave." "Oh, I'm Bor~ to heai that !" A physioian was leoturing recently on ihe ignorance of people of their own complaints, and said that a lady onoe asked him what his next lecture was to be upon, and being told " the circulation of the blood," replied that she should certainly attend, tor she had been troubled with that complaint tor a long time." Mother (to married daughter) : " Why, whatN the matter, Clara? What are you crying about?" Clara: "Harry is so awfully cruel (sob) , he is getting worse and worse every day (sob) What do you suppose he said just now ? He void me I must get rid of the cook— he couldn't stand her cooking any longer (sob). And he knows well enough that she hasn't done one bit of cooking for a fortnight, and that I havo done it all myself !" Sandy Blair was the wit of Lesmahagow. One morning the bellman, on his way to ring he ? am. bell, met Sandy, as usual, with a face as black as coal. ' Man, Sandy " cays the bellman, " why didn't y-1 •* hnh your f aoc this morning ?" "What wad a been the use ?" »ays Sandy ; •' I've a can 0' coal 10 fill the morn's nicbt Saudy never learned much about arithmetic. One da} 'ueing hard up, he resolved »o sell a ferret The wife told him not to take Ich» than three half-orowns. ' Sandy made his way to a public-house to dispose of his tenet. While the bargaining was tn full ■'Wiug, a young ie an swell entered '.fle bar and offered a half -sovereign for uhe ferret. ' >'i i.a, ' says Sandy; "I maun hae three half-crowns " 'But I offered you a half -sovereign, snys the gentleman. ' Three half-orowns," says Bandy, 'is im r.-ice. Bessie said no' tae take uae less, and had it I must, or back gangs the lerret."