Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume LI, Issue 63, 14 March 1896, Page 6 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

If you want a man to think you are smart, 1& m have only to make him imagine that ta m think he is smart. f c Young Lady: " I should like to give my j 0 itonded a little surprise before our , larriatre. What wouia you recommend ? "• ady JFriend: "Don't wear your false te (etb, just for once." „T _ i TheGoodLittleßoy.— Old Lady: "Little oy, did you see anything of my snow- white a, itf" Little Boy : "*es. She fell into a arrel of black paint down the street ; but fixed her all right." Old Lady : "Oh, ou Rood little boy. What did you do f ' .ittleßoy: "Ithrowedher into a barrel A f whitewash." J First Detective: "Strange that I didn t ecognise him. I thous-ht I knew him in ny disguise." Seoond Detective : "Bnt J rhen he was caught he had no disguise." fl Hrat Detective : " Oh, that accounts for g Small Brother: "Pa says he wishes you . rould make haste and propose to Sis." w !bung Man (delightedly) : " Then he is O rilling to let her marry me?" Small h Jrother: "Taint that: He says you {,] p-on'fc come so often after you have been re- x: ected." :; Niece: "Auntie, dear, Mr. Maler, the »' xtiat, has asked me for my photo* He 6 rants to make use of it for hjis last picture, f )ughtltosendittohim?" "Yes, youcan y lo so, but be sure to enclose with it a photo . if your mother or some elderly lady. It £ vould be highly improper to send your C )hoto by itself !" « Miss Hogaboom (of Chicago): "And \ ifhat profession is your brother in, Lord _ 3hortoashP" Lord Shortcash : "Oh, when Ugernon leaves Oxford, I fancy he will J ;ake Orders!" MissHogaboom (surprised): c ' Yes ? Well, there are some real nice I rentlemen travelling for pa !" <] Wife (drearily) : " Ah, me, the days of , shivalry are past." Husband : fangerily): • ' What's the matter now P" Wife: "Sir X fValter Raleigh laid his cloak on the ground t ■or Queen Elizabeth to walk over, but you z jet angry simply because poor, dear mother »t down on your hat." A Japanese laundry has produced the c following advertisement : " Contrary to the ipposite company we will mostt cleanly ( md carefully wash our customer with ( possible cheap prices as follows: Ladies, , 2dols. per 100; gentlemen, lj dols. per 100." ( Mr. De Style: "Why, my dear, I'm i glad to see you so composed. When I left 1 this morning you were weeping and wailing j and tearing your hair because Fido was . sick." Mrs. De Style : " Well, you see, ' just after you left, Mrs. Tipptop came in 1 and told me that dogs of Fidos breed were < going out of fashion. So I dried my tears ; and kicked him out." 1 " Oh, Jo— John," she sobbed, " I'm so grieved to hear that— that Rover bit a piece out of your leg when you called the other 1 day!" " Don't fret about it, darling," he said, soothingly ; I'm used to leaving^ a , sample wherever I call — I'm a commercial traveller, you know !" "Your age," said the interviewer, who had more energy that diplomacy, "is 27, is it not P" "Yes," replied the actress; "how did you know ?" "I looked over the files of a newspaper in which you were interviewed 25 years ago. That's what I found it said there." Askem: " Where's the rich heiress you are engaged to?" Tellum: "You see that lovely girl in pink at the other side of the room ?" Askem : " Yes ; I say, old man, what a snperl) "Tellum : "Well, it isn't she. It's that grand old ruin in yellow sitting neither." Applicant: "What does a marriage license cost?' Clerk: "Well, really, it's hard to tell till you've tried one for fifteen or twenty years." " Are you going to deny that charge you made against me in yesterday's paper ?" he thundered at the editor. " No, sir !" thundered back the editor. " That's right," he said, quietly. "If there is one thing I admire, it is a man who sticks by his convictions." Mrs. Chippering: "So these are your children, are they ?" Mrs. Marrow : "Yes, and everybody says they're just the image ;of me." Mrs. Chippering : " Why, so they are, poor little things !" E. : "You say you saw everything in Rome in three days. That's impossible !" F. : " But you must remember that there were three of us. My wife took alj. the churches, I visited all the picture galleries, and my son went for the restaurants and cafes. Then we met in the evening and swapped experiences." Mrs! Taddles : " There's not much, for me to live for ; I dou't suppose I have a friend in all the world." The Rev. Cherrible : " Not much to live for ? Nonsense. If you have no friend, you have nobody to borrow money of you ; nobody to call when you are in the middle of an interesting book ; nobody to tell stories about you to other people ; nobody," in short, to bore you before your face and to abuse you behind your back. And yet you say you have nothing to live for !"' " Yes," said the girl who collects, " it is one of .the best autographs I have in my collection." "But are you sure it is genuine ?" asked her friend. "Positive. I cut it with my own hands from a telegram that-his wife received from him-" Invigorating Atmosphere. — "No," said the gentleman from Margate ; " I shouldn't like to brag about the invigorating quality 'of the atmosphere down our way, but I will simply, mention that a fellow in our town is making 1 a good living- by compressing it and sending it up to London for bicycleriders to use in filling their tjres. It has such elastic and lively qualities that the speed of the machine is increased from 40 to 80 per cent." " I hope, Jenny, that you have given the matter serious consideration," said a lady to a servant girl who had " given notice " because she was to be married " that day two weeks." " .Oh, J. have, ma'am," was the earnest reply. "I've been to two fortune- tollers and a clairvoyant, and looked in a sign-book, and dreamed on a lock of his hair, and been to one of those asterrologerj, and to a meejum, and they all tell me to go ahead, ma'am. I ain't one to I marry recklesa-like, ma'am."