Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume LXI, Issue 30, 3 August 1895, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

"Will you love me when I'm old?" simpered gay Miss Oldgiil to her youthful intended. "Why, my darling, I do!" responded he, in mild surprise. "Jaokson tells me the last thing he wrote was accepted. So you know what it was?" "Yes, his resignation." Miss Upperornst: "She's awfully selfsacrificing. So you know she stayed away from church last Sunday, in order to sit with an invalid friend." Mr.Cynicus: "I don'tsee anything self-sacrificing in that." Miss Uppercrust: "Yes; but she has just got a new dress and hat." She : " None bat the brave deserve the fair." He: "Yes, and none bnt the brave can live with some of them." A Great City.— Bridget (eagerly) : "Now you're back toll me phat yez saw in Noo Yark." Pat (gravely) : "The ferry boats; bedad, they've got a bow at th' both inds ay' thim, so . they kin go both ways at wanst." first Swell (pretending to mistake for an usher a rival whom he sees standing in a dress suit at the coat-room of the theatre:' "Ah! Have you a programme?" Second swell (up to snuff) : Thanks, my man : I got one from the other fellow." Scene: Bishop's Breakfast TableBishop (to timid onrate on a visit) : "Sear me, I'm afraid your egg's not good!" Timid Curate: "Oh yes, my lord, really — some parts of it are very, good !" Professional Jealousy. — Maof ariane : "I Burpose you have come again in connection with the diamond pin, which I thought had been stolen from me. It turns out, after all, that I had left it in my dressing-case." Morrison Soyle (from Scotland Yard) : " I deeply regret that fact." Macf ariane: " Why P"~ Morrison Boyle: "Because I found a clue to the thief. Rill: "MacShorte has sold a poem to Scribblers entitled < Ode to a Fair Lady.' " Hulls: "Has he? Well, ho is more competent to write verses entitled ' Owed to a Landlady.' " . A New Cnt Inoident. — Prosecutor: Fast of all, your wuship, 'c gives me aprod in the ribs with a knife, and then 'c bolts orf." Magistrate : " Ah, I see— a cose of ont and run." " I'm glad Billy had the sense to marry a fettled old maid," said Grandma at the wedding. " Gals is hity-tity, and widders is a sort of overrulin' and upsottin'. But somehow old maids is a sort o' thankful and willin' to please." And the old lady rocked away comfortably, with the consoionsnesß of having said a good thing, but the look on the face of Billy's new-made wife, as she fixed the old lady with her glittering eye, was suggestive of anything bnt meekness. Sporting Paradox. — Rosebery was more of a ".favourite" when he was an "outsider." Perhaps, like his Sir Visto, when an outsider again — which he seems likely soon to be— he will be safer to back for a " place," if not for an absolute win. Her First Match.— George : "By jove, Hag ! What a splendid hit ! Well done, Fred, old fellow ! Bight on the pavilion .'" Uaggie: "Yes, dear, splendid indeed. But what's he running for ? I hope he hasn't broken a window." (Intense disgust of George.)