Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume XLVIII, Issue 66, 15 September 1894, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Husband: "Didn't I tell you that that waa a secret, and that you were not to tell it to anyone?" Wife: "You told me it was a secret, but you did not Bay I was not to tell it to anyone." Even the women who are compelled to go afoot in this world of unequal conditions may possess a graceful carriage. Briggs: "What did you tell your wife when you got homo so lato on Tuesday j night ? Briggs : "I told her she was the sweetest woman in the world." Mrs. Fangle : " Why didn't you ring the dinner bell, Bridget?" Bridget: "I couldn' t f oind any, ma'am." Mrs .Fangle : "Why, it's on the dining-room sideboard." Bridget: " Och ! An' is it that one it is ? Au' yersilf tould me last noight as that was the breakfa' bell." A man and a maid, to say something of the dog. — "Ah, Miss Singlewise, you are still faithful to your dog?" "Oh, yes; Jenny travels about with me always. D'you know when she's with me I feel a woman of more dignity, a woman of more importance?" "Not of more importance than the dog, surely ?" (And then Bhe wished him the best " Good Morning " she could lay her tongue to) . Playwright: "From the nature of my play, you see, it ought to closo with some line or significant act from the hero in perfect accord with tho feelings of an audience." Critic : " Why not let him heave a sigh of relief, then?" The things that go -without saying must have escaped feminine attention. Money-lender: " I likes my interest paid promptly on the first day of each month." DudcßOn: "That's ray style, Moses; punctually, or not at all." A very palpable hit — desired. " I don't care what you say, Fred. You may jeer at Shrubbe's Hamlet as much as you please ; but it's a thing that most certainly ought not to be missed." « ' And it wouldn't be, my boy, if I had my way — and a gun !" Violot : "I'm going to marry a richman's eldest son, or I won't marry at all." Horrid brother: "Wait till you're asked, my dear. In this, as in cookery, Mrs. Glasses golden rule applies — ' First catch your heir !' " A good Scotch story is told by a, wellknown law lord, who has a country place among the Western Highlands. Two oountrymen were discussing his recent elevation, and one remarked to the other — " I'm tould that since has been made a Laa Lard they give him a thousand a yaar." "A thousand!" replied the other, contemptuously, " sure'tis five thousand he gets." "Man alive.!' rejoined the first, "and to think that I've seen him pass my door every day this three weeks, and nevor so much as a sign of a drop of liquor on him !" "Well, the cook's gono at last, John," said Mrs. B. "Good. You must have had more com ago than I gave you credit for to disoharge her." "I didn't do it. She discharged herself. I flattered her so about her cooking that she thought she was too good to stay in the country, and off she went." " You look so much like your sister, Mrs. Doolan, thot Oi could tell yez was sisters if Oi'd niver seen aither ay yez." The Naked Truth. — A gentleman, while bathing from the sea-shore the other day, had his clothes stolen. The thief got clean away, so that the gentleman can't, by any possibility, got redressed ! A Silent Tongue, &c — Scene at tho Police Court. — Judge : Now, tell us exactly I what happened." Witness: "That's impossible, my lord. It'a a professional secret ; and it'a my duty to keep silent." Judgo : " What ia your profession ?" j Witness : "Town crier, my lord." i The course of true love: "Dear Mr. ! Jones." "My dear George." "My darling George." "My own darling Qeorge." "My darling: George." "Dear George." "JDear sir." "Sir." And then she sued him for damages. Canoeing is well enough for those who like it, but there's too little sailing in it for a man who can't swim, and too much bathing for one who likes to sail.' Mrs. Rimeson : "To think that I should be the mother of a poet ! " Neighbour (soothingly); "Nevermind, ma'am; perhaps he will recover from it when he gets older ! " " Unole Gabe, mammy tole me for to ax you what makes do milk so blue ?" "You go along back an' ax yo' mammy what makes you so black. Dese hyar niggahs sence de war am getting miahty p' tickler, jes like po' white trash. Mrs. Tungster (complainingly) : "Ah, Josiah, it's easy enough to talk." Mr. Tungster : " Just so, my dear ; and when I listen to you, I sometimes wish it wasn't !" " Few people," said the wife, as she proceeded to investigate her husband's pockets after he had gone to sleep, " few people are | aware of what a wife has to go through."