Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume XLVI, Issue 25, 29 July 1893, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Graduate — " 1 want work, and am willing to do 'most anything." Merchant — "Are you athletic?" Graduate — "I was champion boxer of my class." Merchant- - " Well, we'll give you a show in ourboxiug department. James, take this young man up to the packiiig-tooin, and set him to ■work." I ''So you hive written a novel?" "Ye»." "}la< your heroine satin skin, velvet eyelashes, and Imir-like threads of spun irold ?" "Yes." " N her name Gwmdo'ine?" "It. i-." "Then I don't see why it shouldn't be a success." A Finisher —Ho— "Hullo ! where have you been, Loof She — "Only to mother's.'' He (dnggers- drawn with his ma-in-law) — '•What, again "r I sny, do, for goorlue.-»' siko, stop those \i«t», Lox They're bound to end in ructions.." She—" Well, Jim, dear, I am going to stop them for a long time, now." "He— "Thank heaven!" Sho— "Yes; mother's arranged to come here instead." Jim's whereabouts is now causing much anxiety. Unfit for Use.— G O. M. (fitting on a dress) — "It'll fit capitally when I've altered it a bit." Ulster— '-But I don't like it— and never shall ! It may suit my sisters, but it won't suit me." " So you persist in receiving the visits of that follow Smytho," said Charles in a molodramatio tone. " I do. He is a very agreeable gentleman, and I see no reason why I should deliberately offend him." " Then lam loßt to you for ever." "Don't talk nonsense, Charley." '-Nonsense?" "Yes The idea of anybody getting lost ■with such feet as you have is absurd. You couldn't help being found and indentified." An organist bays that a cow moos in a perfect fifth octave, or tenth ; a dog barks in fifth, or fourth ; a donkey brays in a perfeot octave ; and a horse neighs in a descent on the chromatic scale. " In a Glass House."— He (in knickerbockers)—" Well, but what's the use of such baggy sleeves? That's what I want to know. You arms aren't that shape." She — "No, dear. What funny shapes your legs must be." He— "Oh— er -can I kiss you?" Sho— " Certainly not ; but (kindly) you should not have used the verb ' can — thus — May I kissyou?" He (with alacrity)—" Certainly you may. It will do just as well." Resting — ! — Mistress — "You are not getting on with your work, Jane. What are- you doing here?" Jane' — "Please, mum, I'm a-doing what my brother, the hactor, has bin doin' for the last three months — restin' !" Out in His Reckoning.— English Wife— " Why, it's a quarter-past two ! How awfully late Charlie is ! American Cousin — "What time did ho reckon he'd be back?" English Wife — " Half -past ten at the latest." American Coußin— " Then I guess he's a little out." English Wife— "A. little out ! Why, my dear, he's always out!" Henry Erskine, succeeding Duudas as Xiord-Advocate, the good-humoured politician, offered to lend him his einbroidorcd official gown, as he would not wane it long. "No," said he in the same spirit. "I will Sot assume the abandoned habits of my predecessors." Yale — " Are you going to study political economy P" Harvard — "Horrors, no! Why, my father's worth at least three million." A Resource. — Alien (who has just •'missed it") — "Nothing for six hours! Great Jupiter ! What am I to do fur six hours in a place like this, without accomodation for a cat?" Native — "Aweel, Burr ! Yell get verra quid accommodation at the sheiling oot by, at sax pence a gill !" "How's things?" asked the tailor. "On the mend," said the tinker. "How is it with you ?" " Only sew now.'* To the Land of the Free. — American Golfer — "You should have seen that drive, sir. I struck tho ball with the whole weight of my body, and when last I saw it it was sailing right away in the direotion oi the setting sun. By this time, I calculate, it has arrived in the United States." English Golfer—" I make no doubt it has— by way of the Golf Stream." "Pray excuse my asking you, but why did you break your engagement with pool Tom?" "Hush, dear— don't tell anyone — he was growing so disgustingly fat ! When grief has pulled him down a bit, 1 eha.ll take him ou again." Mr. Wickwire — "What is that woman •cross the way trying to sing?" Mrs. Wickwire — '"My sweetheart's the mtji in the moon.' " Mr Wickwire— " Well, if he don't hear, it isn't her fault." " In addition to your physician's foe, you put in a charge here for mileage," Baid the lawyer, who was settling up the affairs oi ilia deceased. " Yes, sir," said the doctor. ' ' What is the mileage for f* " " The deceased occupied a room in the top floor of a Chicago hotel when I paid my professional visits to him." Daughter (looking up from her novel) — "Papa, iv time of trial what do you suppose brings most comfort to a man?" Papa (who is a newly-appointed magistrate] — <• An acquittal, I should think." • The sceptical aunt — " What does he do, Dolly, for a living ?" Dolly (greatly surprised)—" Why, auntie, he does nothav< time to earn a living while we are engaged.'' It is hard to convince a man when the baby cries at night that it isn't doing it oi purpose. Men of a theoretioal turn of mind are life many theories — they don't work. How She Managed It. — He—" How verj beautiful and charmingly poetic are some ol the old Indian words, Miss Gerald—Minnehaha, for instance, or Alabama." Mi* Gerald—" Yes, Mr. Fatface, and Kissimee.' [And he did at once.] Policemen are like the days of mau, inasmuch as they are numbered. The favourite song of briefless barrister! is "Ami we shall walk in silk attire."