WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XLII, Issue 94, 17 October 1891, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Hubby — "This crying youngster is enough to drive me distracted." "Wife— " Wait a moment and I'll sing it to sleep." Hubby— "On second thought, you'd better let it At a fashionable re-union in Paris — "You seem to be very dull, monsieur?" " Awfully dull, monsieur ; and you ?" "Soam I, and, if you don't mind, we'll cut out together." "You may if you like; I can't very well, for you see I am the master of the house." Showman—" Walk up, gentlemen, walk up ! Come and see Aurora, the beautiful Polish lady— weighs 295 pounds. Admission, one penny. The day after to-morrow she'll weigh 300 pounds, and then it'll be twopence to see her ! Now's your time, gentlemen." ' An American was killed by a circular saw, and in his obituary notice it was stated that he was " a good citizen, an upright man, and an ardent patriot, but of limited information with regard to circular saws." Angry Conductor (with hand on the bell-rope)— " You'll pay your fare or get off." Tramp— "Statistics show that it costs five dollars in wear an' tear an' steam to stop a train. Now, if you rob th' stockbrokers of this 'ere road of five dollars jest ter gratify y'r selfish spite, I'll report ye to th' president." " You will let me go to your wedding, will you not ?" said one girl to her companion. " Upon my word I can't promise. My folks are in such a rage about my wedding that I am not sure they will let me go to it myself." Poet — "How much ought I get for that poem?" Editor— " Oh, I should think about ten ." Poet (with a sickly smile)—" Yes, I know what you are going to say : ' Ten dols. or thirty days." Editor— "No, sir; ten years." She (indignantly)—" I don't think you give us girls credit for thinking of anything else but dress." He (suavely)—" Oh, you wrong me. I do give you credit for thinking of more than dresses." She — " Oh, what else?" He— " Bonnets." Frederick the Great, in a letter to Voltaire says, " I look on men as a herd of deer in a great man's park, whose only business is to people the enclosures." This is one of the great men of history.. Lord Chesterfield being given to understand that he would die by inches, very philosopically replied, "If that be the case, I am happy that I am not so tall as Sir Thomas Bobinson. Nothing (writes Sydney Smith) amuses me more than to observe the utter want of perception of a joke in some minds. Mrs Jackson called the other day, and spoke of the oppresive heat of last week. "Heat, ma'am !" I said ; "it was so dreadful here, that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my j flesh and sit in my bones." "Take off your flesh and sit in your bones, sir!" Oh, Mr. Smith! how could you do that?" she exclaimed, with the greatest gravity. " Nothing more easy, ma'am ; ccme and see next time." But she ordered her carriage, and eventually thought it a very unorthodox proceeding. Tommy Judkins— " Papa, what do you mean by a selling race? Is anything actually sold?" Judkins, sen. — " Yes, my son, and it is usually the public." The Proper Side to Vote for— The Seaside. Diner — " Look here ! I've been waiting quite fifteen minutes." Waiter — " That's nothing ! I've been waiting here for the last two years, and I ain't worrying about it either." Street Scene, 5 a.m. — A pauper if begging at the entrance of a ballroom where a^charity ball is being held. A lady comes out wrapped in mantle of satin, and steps iuto her carriage. " Charity, please, charity!" says the beggar, with hand outstretched. The lady shuts tho door. " Charity ? Why, I've been dancing for you all night !" " Do you see that mau over there ?" asked the detective, with an air of dignity. " Yes," said the citizen, eagerly; "I see him. What of him ?" " That man," said the detective, in a low tone, " that man is a professional forger." 'Good gracious !" exclaimed the oitizen, in surprise. "Who would ever have thought it? Why don't you arrest him then?" "Can't," said the detective wearily. "It isn't against the law to make horseshoes, is it ?" An Unlooked for Danger. — Captain Lovelace — "How's Mica Maldermare this morning, Miss Kate?" (Miss M. is Miss X's chaperone, chosen for her habit of invariably and of necessity remaining below whenever she goes to sea.) Katie — " I'm afraid she's a little better this morning." Captain L. — " By Jove !" Herr Goetze, a well-known tenor, had to travel from Cologue to Frankfort and appear the same evening in Lohengrin. He just arrived at the wings in time to "go on." After vanquishing the villian who aspersed her, he embraced the Elsa of the occasion. As he did not know her, he whispered, while holding her fondly in his arms: "Allow me to have the honour of introducing myself to you. My name is Geotze, of Cologne." The Bar© Jdea !— Trippor— " Hoy ! boatee. What's your bare fare?" Boatee— " Bare fare? Don't carry 'em, sir — you want a bathingmachine !" What's in a Name !" — A traveller in the States, out West, went into a restaurant and ordered a couple of poached eggs. He was somewhat amused at the other transmitted at the waiter : — Adam and Eve in mid ocean !" " Here, I've changed my mind, I'll have them scrambled," called the traveller. " Adam and Eve wrecked !" bawled the waiter. Betting Prosecution. — The driver of a hydrostatic van was yesterday discovered in the act of laying the dust in a public place. He was immediately arrested, and the pool confiscated.