WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XXXVI, Issue 102, 27 October 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

the Duke of Wellington, in a certain debate in the House of Lords, stated that two Irish clergymen had been murdered. A noble lord exclaimed, "No, no; only one." Whereupon the Duke rejoined, "If I am mistaken, I am sorry for it." The trouble with the young woman in love is that she doesn't know whether she really loveß the young man for himself alone or for the presents he brings and the prospects of a solitaire diamond to dazzle the other girls. . As William bent over her fair face he whispered — " Darling, if I should ask you in French if I might kiss you what would you answer f She summoning up her scanty knowledge of the French, replied, "Billet doux!" Wife — " Swear to me, Augustus, that you will only take one drink." Husband — " I swear it." (Half-an-hour later at cafe) " Waiter, give me some whisky in one of those large lemonade glasses." Customer : ' ' Some children's shoes, please." Dealer: "Yes, sir. Now, there is an excellent make of shoe. How old is the child." Customer (with a sigh) : " Child ! I have nine of 'em. Show me to the wholesale department." " Are you having a pleasant time?" asked a lady of a little miss at a fashionable children's party. "Delightful, thanks." "And will your papa and mamma come later?" "Oh, dear no; papa and mamma and I don't belong to the same set." According to an advertisement in an American paper relating to a town contract a condition is — " The contractor to expire on. the 30th April, 1889." Dumley (bitterly) — "They say that (hie) fortune Jcnocks once at every man's door, but (hie) if she ever knocked at mine, I wasn't there to hear it." Brown — " No, Dumley, fortune does not go around knocking at people's door at two or three o'clock in the morning." At the meeting of an agricultural society in an interior town this question was discussed — " Which is the best way to keep girls on the farm !" A member suggested a barbed-wire fence 6ft high with no gates. Wife — "If I were to be kidnapped John, and spirited away from you, what would you do?" Husband — "No danger of that, my dear." Wife — " Well, just imagine it, you know." Husband — "My dear, don't you know that there is a limit even to the imagination ?" Great statesman (doing some figuring.)—"Eh? What?" Wife (looking up from newspaper)— " What does 'labour question' mean?" Great statesman (absently) — "The question is, What'll catch the labour vote ?" A female lecturer said : " Get married, young men, and be quick about it. Don't wait for the milleniuui for the girls'to become angels* You'd look well beside an angel, wouldn't you, you brutes ?" A young man, trying to put down a young lady, said: "This is St.. Patrick's Day. Where is your green bow ?" As quick as a flash came the response : " You are green enough for me ; come along." | There is a new kind of 'alf-and-'alf sold now in the saloons— 'alf beer and 'alf froth. When a young man sits in the parlor talking nonsense to his best girl — that's capital. But when he has to stay in of evenings after they're married — that's labour. Bobby — " I guess you must be a lady-killer, Mr. Sissy." Mr. Sissy (complacently) — " Aw, d'ye think so, Bawbby ?" Bobby—" You must be ; Clara said that after you left last night she nearly died laughing." The Czar of all the Eussias has at least one consolation in the midst of all his troubles — he is not bothered by life-insurance agents. Teacher: "Why was Adam expelled from the Garden of Eden ?" Small Boy (Irish): "He couldn't pay the rent." A sensitive pig:— "Patrick, you were on a bad spree yesterday." " Vis, Mr. Ellis, I was. Bless me if I weren't a-layin' in the gutter wid a pig. Father Ryan came along, looked at me, an' says he, ' One is known by the company they kape.' " "And did you get up, Patrick?" " No, but the pig did." Miss Blunt — "I'm told that you have made up your mind to remain a bachelor all your life, Mr. Knobchewer." Mr. X—"lK — "I — aw — beg your pawdon, Mith Blunt; I neva autho wised such a statement." Miss B. — " Then I must have been misinformed." Mr. X— "Who — aw — told you, tho' ?" Miss B.— " I wasn't told in exactly those words, but I was told that you had expressed a determination never to marry any girl who knew more than yourself." Pay as you go, and don't go till you pay. If writing is indicative of character, some people's character must be mighty hard to make out. Big Sister — " Bobby, you are wanted to go an errand." Bobby — " Tell ma I haven't got time to do it now." Big Sister — " Father says you must do it afc once." Bobby — ■' Oh, it's for pa, is it. Then I gaess I had better find. time. " Managing Editor (to the editorial writer) — " Mr. Gramby, lam sorry to inform you that your services on this paper are no longer" wanted." Writei — " Why, my dear sir, ray work has surely given satisfaction. My editorials have been copied all over the country, and my views on political economy have been discussed in Congress. " " Yes, I know your articles are very fine. " " Then why do you wish to dispense with them 1 " "I don't like to - tell you, but you must I go, and £[o at once " " But I insist upon an explanation. " " Well, if you must have it, I'll tell you. Our base ball reporter has taken a dislike to you. "