WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XXXIV, Issue 80, 1 October 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

" Mr. Timothy," said a learned ady, who had been showing off her ivit at the expense of a dangler, 'you remind me of a barometer ;hat iB filled with nothing in the jpper story." " Divine Almira," meekly replied her adorder, "in :hanking you for this flattering compliment let me remind you that you occupy my upper story entirely." Freddy, on leaving his bride for a few minutes, and knowing she is very weak in her French, had iu3tructod her to look very dignified in jase anyone addressed her. and to 3ay haughtily — " Prenez garde ! " He returns to find her surrounded by i group of wondering Frenchmen, md hysterically exclaiming, '' Re[jardez moi ! " " Will you trust me, Fanny ? " he Bried, passionately grasping her band. ''With all my soul, with all myself," she whispered, nestling on his manly bosom. " Would to heaven you were my tailor," he murmured, and tenderly he took her in his arms. _ "Pa," said little Johnny M'Swillingan '"' here's a piece in the paper about 'Parasities.' What are they?" " Parasites, my boy, are people who live in Paris. I think you ought to know that, and you in the Third Reader." A Western gentleman advertises for a self-supporting wife. A close glass book-case once provoked from Dr. Drake the remark that he never could stand " Locke on the Human Understanding." I can easier (says a philosopher) teach twenty what wore good to be done, than be one of the twenty to follow my own teaching. It is asserted that Solomon never laughed. That's not remarkable. A man who had seven hundred wives, and a few hundred mothers-in-law, was not likely to be in a very merry humour. "There is one thing about me," said Dumley, as he wrote his name in the hotel register, "I pay as I go, and don't you forget to remember it!" "Any baggage?" demanded the clork. "No." "Then you won't pay as you go ; you'll pay as you come. Two dollars please, and remember not to forget it." He was the local doctor, and everyone wondered why the parson appointed him churchwarden, especially those who aspired to the dignity themselves. One of these, however, soon solved the mystery, and to his rival's discomfiture. " I know why the parson's 'pointed of him," he said decisively. " Parson gets a fee for every funeral, and the doctor's guaranteed him a certain number every year, ho has." A professor has made the calculation"that if men were really as big as they sometimes feel there would be room in this island for only two professors, three lawyers, two doctors, and a drum-major in a brass band. The rest of us would be crowded into the sea and have to swim for it. Miss Maude de Croesus — "Now, tell me candidly, major, have I any faults ?" Major Batterby Sidestroke (impressively) — " Only one, dear Miss Maude — you are rich !" And then she accoptod him on the spot, don't 3 r ou know.