WIT AND HUMOR.

Evening Post, Volume XVIII, 13 December 1879, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR.

* Melancholy barber (with 4 "oul above his business) — "I don't get much of a livin';byit, sir." Customer 1 .(through tKe; lather) — "Then — you ought — for you sorape — hard enough — for it." — Punch. Angelina (scientific) — "Do you Binell the iodine from the sea, Edwin ? Isn't it refreshing ?". Old, 4alt . (overhearing) — " What you smell ain't the sea, Mils ; it'«: the town drains aa flows out just 'ere !" — '• Punch. . [ Physician, to Government clerk— "Well, ' what do you complain of?" H.'O. — 4 " Sleeplessness, dootor." Physician— "At ' what time do you go to bed?"- G, 0. — I V ■ h, I don't mean at night, but during ' office hours." ' A bald-headed professor, reproving a youth for the exeroUe of his ttit*,' said, '■ very severely, " We fight with our, heads at this college." The young man re'fleoted for a momeot, and then 'replied; calmly, ' ." Ah, I see ; and you have butted all your ' hair off.".' . . • , . In Kansas they are peremptory in their ; demands, upon the "olerk of the weather office." Thus we read' in the Peabody Gazette :—": — " This country has got to have some rain, and before long, too. Our i water-barrels art) felling td pieoes, and we .are obliged to wash in hard water. We are disgusted." "Dar are," said a sable orator, "two ■ roads.: through this world. De one am a broad and narrow roud dat leads to perdition, and de udder am a narrow and Droad .road dat leads to sure destruction." "If dat am de case,", said a sable hearer, " dig colored individual takes to d« wood*." Doing his Best. — Magistrate —■" It seems, prisoner, that you took fiftefapence from the prosecutor's till. .Now* I put it to you seriously — Was it worth your while to rUk your character, your liberty, your whole future, for Budhi a trifle?'' Prisoner — "Certainly not, yxmr Worship; but I did uot know thereiwaa not motik in . the till — I took all there wasi "-^fonny Folks. ; Giving Them Pills.— Quail-shot wag go .scarce down near Los Angeles last week , that an enthusiastic sportsman bought : out and.ju'sed instead the entire stoofcVof [ pills from a druggist. He a&ya that some, -how or"T»ther he managed tb kill e^ery shot. The only drawback hks been .difficulty to gee anyone to eatfthe gamely Fully Explained. — An initiate of Ue gadl sonds ns a poem, which starts ofj \t an easy canter as follows :—: — , .*. Oh, young and old com onto Me, '.-. * And my sad story i will tel ; ' , '. V From evil companions you may be free '\ When you have heard what to me has bafai. That's enough. We know now what they pub him in gaol for. . iTaot. — Admiring Friend : " Whjtt, another picture ? Why, that ii the second you've finished this week ? Piotptw) "The third, my boy, the third ! " Ad.' miring Friend (wishing- to be pleasant) : •«Ah, wonderful] That's what I alway* say "when I hear people abuse your pictures. ' They may be bad,' I always say ; 'but just look at the lot of them he turn* out ! ' "—Punch. Good Time for Poets. — Owing to the better^ times and the fact that everything is coming down, we have reduced the prices of original poet'-y in this column to three dollars a line, a reduction of nearly 50 per cent. At this rate, every man should be able to publish at least one poem per week in this department. No limit is placed on the length of the poem; write as much as you wish, and «6nd the money with your poem. — American Paper. More Cases of Male Personation. — A woman disguised as a man, or rather elaborately made up as a sort of human crew, has just been dismissed by an Idaho congregation for whom she had acted as pastor for nearly a year It was subsequently discovered that ihe deception h»d been of long duration, and that she had been turned out of several similar situations during her career. Not that her identity was ever detected, but somehow the ladies of her congregations became gradually dissatisfied, and she always had to step down and out. We have written to Beecher to explain this thing, and enclosed a stamped 1 envelop* for reply, but somehow he doesn't answer worth a cent. — San Francisco News Letter. " Bold."— School Board inquisitor : — "Good morning, coachman. Your name is' Prosser, I believe? Have you any children— boya or girls ? " Old groom (assuming intense meekness) : "Yes, sir, two girls, sir." School Board inquisitor :" Do they go to school ? " Old groom : " Sohool, sir." School Board inquisitor (fiercely) : ' ' And pray why not ? " Old groom (shak* ing his head) : "Ah, Bir, they've got such wills V their own, air." BohooT Board inquiaitor: "Aha! (producing vote-book with ardour) their names and ages ? " Old groom (still more meekly) : " Jane and Mary, air. One's 19, sir, and the others just turned o' two-and-twenty, dr." (Exit inquisitor hastily.) — Punch.