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WIT AND HUMOUR.

In matters of conscience first thoughts are best ; m matters of prudence last thoughts are best. A duty of 5 cents a doz n on eggs t<nds to protect the American hen from the foreign yolk. ' A girl afc our school,' said Tommy, 'is called Postscript, because her name is Adaline Moore.' 'Tis the hardest thing m the world to be a good tl inker without being a good selfexaonner. Patient — * What do you think of a warmer climate for me, dootor ? * Doctor—' No, no ; not yet.' Brassy — 'Your wi f e is a charming woman I like her style.' Pender—' Y.u wouldn't if you had to pay for it.' ' How's things ? ' asked the tailor. ■On the mend,' said the tinker. 'How ij it with you t ' ' Only sew sew.' Eothusiastic Argler — • I can't fanoy anyone not fond of trout fishing.* Tender-hearted ma'*den- ■• Unleeß it bp the trout.' Bobby — « You folks have got a mighty nice house to live m baiu't you?' Johnny 'Nice nothin'l The stair banisters turn square corners.' Pcor boy. — He— ■« I drank some champagne, you know, and after a while it went to my ht ad ' She— « That was the only empty place left, I suppose.' Mrs Goodkind— 'There's on'y one trouble about poor Mr Careless. He's generous to a fault.' Mr Gruff—' Humph I It's a pity that he isn't generous to his family.' Biide (throwing her arms about the bridegroom's neok) — ' You are my prisoner for life I ' Groom—' It's not imprisonment 'or life, 'ove ; it'a capital punishment.' ' I fell overboard' said tbe sailor ' and the •hark came along and grabbed me by the leg* 'And what did jou do?' 'I let, him have t»:e leg. I never di-pute with a shark.' Daughter (lookirg up from her novel) — ' Papa, m time of trial what do you suppose brings most comfoi tto a man P ' Papa (who is a newly appointed magistrate)— 'An acqu't* tal, I should think.' Mr Wiokwire—' What is that woman oorosi the way trjing to singP' Mrs Wiokwire— 'My sweetheart's tbe man m the moon.' Mr Wickwire — ' Well, if be don't h«»ar it isn't her fault. Visitor—* Why, how big you are growing, Tommy J If you don't look out you will be getting taller than yonr father.' Tommy— ' won't that be jolly P Then Pop'll have to wear my o'd trousers cut down for him.' 'So you have written a novel P ' « Yes.' ' Has your heroine satin skin velvet eye-lashes, and hair like threads of spun gold P ' ' Yes.' ' Is h«r name Gwendoline P ' 'It is.' • Then T don't see why it shouldn't be a success.' Por * real elegant ' English, it would be difficult to surpass the following from the pen of a reporter of an American paper — ' At tho close of the speech the company emphasised thtir appreciation of the sentiments by resort to manual and pedal agitation.' Publican (log )-' Weel, Sandy, an' how's yer heal-.li tbis mornin'P ' Sandy — 'Man, Tarn, my lungs are wheezing like a pair o' worn-out bellows, an' my heart is a' wrang m the beat like a useless acht-day dock, an' ma liver is far waur than onv o' them ; but otherwise I feel vera weel. Let's see a gill o' Ter best.'

Permanent link to this item

https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/EG18930805.2.18

Bibliographic details

Ellesmere Guardian, Volume XII, Issue 1172, 5 August 1893, Page 4

Word Count
542

WIT AND HUMOUR. Ellesmere Guardian, Volume XII, Issue 1172, 5 August 1893, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR. Ellesmere Guardian, Volume XII, Issue 1172, 5 August 1893, Page 4

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