THE MIDSHIPMAN.

Dunstan Times, Issue 3365, 2 April 1928, Page 8

THE MIDSHIPMAN.

“RAG” THAT AMAZED A GERMAN OFFICER. (By H. V. Mortan.) Ouee. in my ignorance, I believed that the Gun Room in a. battleship was a kind of armoury in which officers drank pink gin against a background of twelve-pounders. The Gun Room is, of course, the mess of the midshipmen, as the Ward l Room is the mess of the commissioned officers.

The Ward Room is—apart from the “whoops up” natural to lonely men — noted for its air of sober responsibility, but the Gun Room is famous, or notoriuos, for frequent excesses of youthful exuberance, during which an honored guest may, and generally does, find himself being firmly and expertly pushed through the scuttle (or port-hole) minus his trousers.

If the Gun Room wishes to pay a tribute to one whom it _ loves, it debugs the adored after dinner; if the Gun Room wishes to hurt the feelings oi one it hates, it debags the hated one after dinner, in which the philosopher may find confirmation of the suspicion that love and' hate are akin in their ultimate manifestations.

The Gun Room of H.M.S. Impenetrable is a small room the size of a suburban drawing-room, but there the resemblance ceases with startling suddenness.

One’s first impression is that, in order to make it fit for future admirals to live in, violent, but entirely successful, battles have been fought with cloakroom attendants' in every part of the British Isles. “Wash and Brush Up, 3d,” and other signs hang proudly on the walls in wrought copper, cardboard, and plain enamel. Three young midshipmen were sitting in the Gun Room —one at a table writing, one full length on an experienced looking settee, and the third beside an ancient and alcoholic piano which, like all Gun Room pianos, is row and then given a glass of beer just tc encourage the poor blighter. They had, I gathered, just concluded a “moan.” Now the “moan” of a Gun Room is the naval version of an Army “grouse,” only it is organised better, anti is more comprehensive. The midshipmen fling their moanful forms into chairs, and one says:— “Come on, you chaps, let’s have a moan!”

“Well; xny moan is . . . .” begins the first, and so they go on in great detail. It is good for the soul: a kind of spiritual emetic, • The unofficial description of a mid-

shipman is; “A method of conveying abuse from one naval officer to another naval officer of senior rank.” ■ “I don’t understand that,” I said.

“Well, you see, sir, it’s like this,” explained a midshipman. “The captain calls me and ho says, ‘Go and ask Lieutenant Brown what he imagines lie’s doing with that boat!’ 1 go and say, ‘Please, sir, the captain wants to know what you are doing with that boat!’ ‘Oh,’ says Lieutenant Brown with unseemly anger, ‘the answer is—go to hell!’ Then Igo back and say, ‘Mr. Brown says that it’s all right, sir, and he’ll he off in a second, sir!’ You see the idea ?” The most absolute autocrat in a ship, after, of course, the captain, is the sublieutenant in charge of the Gun Room. Here his word is law. He keeps a cane in his cabin with which he, and he only, can chastise the budding admirals under his charge, “Of course, I don’t cane one a month,” said this young demi-god-to me, “hut now and then, don’t you know, one simply has to prevent them making fools of themselves. Then they get six of the best.” “Not in the Gun Room?” “Good lord, no; in the bathroom, where you can get a good sweep on.” “But snotties seem on the whole exceedingly well-mannered and smart.” “Oh, they’re not too bad! Sometimes a new snotty is a bit funny. I remember one little fellow who was told to go and tell an officer that the main derrick was to he worked at sixthirty. ‘Right-o,’ said the officer, ‘let me know when the balloon goes up, will you?’ At six-thirty the snotty wont up, sallied, and said, ‘They’s working the main derrick, sir, but I can’t see the balloon anywere. . . Tlie midshipmen sleep amidships in hammocks, or on the floor, wrapped in blankets. One of the great arts in moving about a battleship at night is not to walk on the sleeping snotties. Early in the morning a midshipmen detailed day by day, and known as the Duty Snotty, awakens his messmates by the simple act of cither kicking them or prodding them. They then awaken Tko a flock of starlings, chattering as only the very young can chatter at G.MO a.in., and disappear on deck to lie drilled by a master gunner or to try out their nascent authority on squads of seamen, who help them all they can.

j They dress for dinner, whistling popular fox trots, and at this time you can often hear the name of some actress ( mentioned with devotion, for the Gun I Room is subject to “pashes.” Some ! Gun Rooms have, f believe, a “pash” for Tallulah Bankhead, others have a “pash” for Gertrude Lawrence, and some are even sufficiently enterprising to write to the object of the current “pash” and request a signed photograph. This is never refused. A midshipman receives £7 Ids a month, and Ids average ines s hill is £4 10s. If lio is under eighteen his wine bill for the month is limited to 7s; | over eighteen ho can spend 1.5s on i drink. If lie exceeds this he goes hej fore the captain, and knows all about it, frequently taking the water cure for long, heerless weeks. In the old days the gun room was the scene of wild and violent games, many of them, I believe, brutal. These have gone out of fashion. “Dogs of War” is, however, still played. I The sub. in charge of the Gun Room | .shouts out; “Dogs of War!” and his wild young men line up ready to perI form outrageous orders, i “Kissing the officer of the watch!” I Out thej- stampede in a frantic herd, ] and the officer of the watch does not ' need his telescope to tell him what is in the offing. The relationship of officer and midshipman is officially the relation between priest and Deity, but on occasions the gods unbend. ' Before the war the officers of a GerI man battleship dined aboard a. British battleship. Things became bright, even brilliant. The German officers stood

apart, unable, or unwilling, to join in the fun. The sight of midshipmen I waltzing with senior officers offended their sense of propriety. Somehow, towards the murky end of the evening, the captain of the British ship emerged from the undergrowth of a Rugger serum wearing the jacket of a midship- | men. and declaring that never had a : better “rag” been staged by the Navy since Britannia ruled the waves. “And you.” said the senior German officer to the British captain, “yon command this ship?” “1 do,” said the British captain, , straightening his midshipman’s jacket; “and, what’s more, i’ll race you round the ouarterdeck for a fiver.” The German neglected the challenge, j and, with a baleful eye on the midship-

man’s jacket, said: “And they obey you —after this ” “They damned well do,” said the British captain. “I don’t understand it at all,” mused the German, who departed wrapped in a perfect fog of misunderstanding.