FUN AND FANCY.

Dunstan Times, Issue 2488, 5 July 1909, Page 8

FUN AND FANCY.

Waitress (handing stodgy-looking steak): And what will you have to follow, sir? •American Customer : Indigestion, I guess. Mr Rich: I suppose you find that a baby brightens up the house? Mr Benedict: Yes; we burn nightly twice the gas we used to. Barber (rather slow): Beg pardon, sir, but your hair is turning a bit gray. Victim : Shouldn’t wonder. Look at the time I’ve been here. 1 Mary: Did she make a good match ? - 1 Ann; Splendid. Lots of money, good social position, and all that. In fact, the only drawback is the husband. “I will do my utmost to ‘tamper with justice and mercy,” was the concluding sentence of /an address given by a newlyappointed Justice of the Peace. Mrs Oldwed: Of course,' my dear, I ! suppose you sometimes quarrel with your husband? Mrs Newed: Indeed I don’t, Jbut hje—er—sometimes quarrels with me. “I have been taking some moving pictures of life on ybur farm.” “Did you catch my man in motion?” “I did.” “Ah, science can do anything these days.” “And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who was applying for lodgings, “will you mind it?” “Mind it?” snapped the other party, “of course not. Do you think ■ I’m a nurse?” Shopkeeper: Is there anything else I can send you, sir? What would you say to a piece of this cheese ? Customer; I wouldn’t care to say anything to it. It might answer me back. “I say, Dolly,” said an amateur photographer, “may I take your photograph? You 'look so pretty that I feel I could eat you. ‘Oh, I see,” said the girl, “that’s why you want me on a plate.” Mr Meek: Did you trump my ace ? Mrs M.: Yes ! What of it? •Mr \f. : N-nothing, my dear. I’m glad it was you. If one of our opponents had done it. we’d have lost the trick. Janies: I see that young Noodle and Miss Sharp have made a match of it. He’s got no head at all, hut she’s a clever girl. Griggie: Well, you can’t expect a match to have two heads to it. The Scotsman reports: “In the forest of , the first stag of the season was killed by Miss , a fine animal with eleven points.” We regard this description of the lady as being in the worst taste.—Punch. School Teacher: Johnny, what is a patriot ? Johnny: A man that tries to benefit his country. School Teacher: And what is a politician? Johnny:A man that tries to have his country benefit him. “In choosing his men,'*’ said the Sabbath School superintendent, “Gideon did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down to drink. He took those who watched with one eye and drank with the other.” At a ball -in Edinburgh a well-known . and charming hostess, wishing to get' a partner for one of her guests, asked a gentleman if she might introduce him to a young lady. “Oh, yes,” he drawled, affectedly, “trot her out.” This was overheard by the intended partner, who was remarkable for her native wit as well as her beauty. So when the youth was introduced to her she calmly surveyed him from head to foot, and then quietly said—- “ Thank you; now trot him back, please.” Sister (to elderly prodigal, who is much given to pawning.his things): What’s this ticket on yer best coat, Sandy ? Sandy; That was the nicht I was at M'Phearaon’s ball. They tack yer coat from ye at the doou and gie ye a ticket for 't. Sister: H’m—aye—l see there’s yin on yer trousers as well. The Kaiser lias issued an edict forbidding officers of the army and navy to smoke officers of the army and navy to smoke cigars or cigarettes in the presence of- women in evening dress, either at court or in hotels, restaurants, clubs, private houses or elsewhere. An old regulation is also revived, by which smoking is forbidden in the courtyards and vestibules of the Imperial Oastle, Society women gbeatly appreciate the prohibition, they having long complained' of indiscriminate smoking, The question, however, is raised, Will anybody check the growing custom of fashionable women smoking cigarette* at social functions and in restaurant#? = -I- " 1 Aiiyiij. "" g ' I" J