MISCELLANEOUS.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 5259, 30 June 1888, Page 6 (Supplement)

MISCELLANEOUS.

MR AND MRS BOWSER.

I had mentioned in a casual way that we seeded some dishes, a new carpet, and some tablo-linen, and that I must get down town and buy them, when Mr Bowser came home at 2 o'clock one afternoon and said: ' Well, are you all ready ?' ' For what!' ' Why, to go down and buy those things.' ' But I didn't know yoii wanted to go. Indeed, I wish you wouldn't.' ' Oh, you do ! Aro you ashamed to be seen with mo on the street P ' You know I'm not. I'm afraid you— you ' •Well, what" * You'll jaw folks and get into a quarrel.' ' Mrs Bowser, are you getting soft in tho head f Jaw folke! Get into a quarrel! Humph ! Aro you coming ?' We first visited the carpet store. I had not yet miido up my mind whether to buy* brussels or velvet, nor whether to get light or dark colors. I expected to take ft chair and have tho clerk roll down about fifty Eieces of each kind, and to be all of two ours making up my mind, Ono clerk ran to place chairs for us. A second arranged tho window curtains, and v. third enquired of Mr Bowser: ' Did you wish to look at somo carpets I' , ' Did I como up hero to buy oysters?' doraanded Mr Bowser. 1 Ah—nm ! Light or dark colors 'r' < Light." 'But tho dark are all tho style, you know.' ' I don't know anything of the sort! There are plenty of whito hor.sea and houses, and white shirts and hate; and I don't know why light carpets shouldn't bo fashionable. Roll down this piece.' 'Yes, sir; but you won't like it. This dark pattern is what Mrs Gov. Smith floloetptl for her front bod-room.' ' Yes. Well, 1 nioy get thai; for my horee barn later on. Send up a man to measure the room, and give me that light pattern.' ' Why, Mr Bowsei !' I said, ' You haven't selected already!' ' Certainly.' ' But wo—we- •' ' Pivo minutes is enough for any one to select a carpet, Mrs Bowser. We want body-brusaels, und wo want a light ground. That's all thore is to it. Wo will now go over and buy the table linen.' 'But gan't I have time to look around?' • Time J "do you want 01. timo ? You want three , linen tableetothe and two dozen

napkins. TVe've got the money to pay for 'em. What more is desired P , ■ * But it's so sudden.' 'So aro earthquakes. Wo'll go in here.' We entered a dry goods store and sat down to tho linen ocmnter. A young man came forward to wait oa us, and after being , told what was wanted, ho queried': 'So you want somo real linen. "Well, hero is something I can recommend.' 'Iβ that all linear , ' Tea, sir ' 'lait f' asked Mr Bowser, as be turned to me. I didn't think it -was, but I told Mr Bowser to let it go. It was tho custom in all dry goods stores to lie about such things, and no one thought of raising r. row. ' Madame, , enid Mr Bowsor, nu he took tho cloth over to a motherly old lady, •is this all linen P 1 'No, sir;' it.'c half cotton !' she replied after an inspection. • Where's the proprietor of this store ?' ho demanded of the clerk. ' I—l'll call him, sir.' The proprietor came up. ..-'.• 'Is that linen 't , asked Mr Bowser. ' It passes for linen, sir.' " If you put a cow's home and tail on a horse he'd pnss for a oow, wouldn't he? Sir, this look.l to mo like a potty swindlo, and one you ought to bo ashamed of !' The proprietor began to blow up tho clerk, and the clcrk'said he'd resign, and we got out doers I penned Mr Bowser into a doorway, and said: • I'll never, nover daro enter this etoro again!' Tho next store was crowded, and as wo renohed the linon counter it was to find every stool occupied. I tried to get Mr Bowser out, anticipating- trouble, but unfortunately at thatmomont one Isuly observed to another: 'Dear.me, but this Is tho third afternoon I'vocomo down town to buy a table-cloth, and I haven't got suited yet.' ' And I want four crash towels, and I've been all over tho town twice,' replied the other. • Here,.you !' snapped Mr Bowser to tho clerk, ' are you busy ?' • Waiting on theso ladies, sir.' 1 Have they bought anything ?' 1 No, sir.' • Are they going to ?' • I—l don't iiiow.' •Well, I've no time to fool away. "We want threo liven table-cloths and two dozen napkins.' The ladies arose in great indignation. Each, of them gave mo a look that pierced me to the heart, and each ono gave Mr Bowsora look which ought to have shortened ■him two feet, but which had no apparent effect. In seven minutes wo had found what wo wanted, paid the bill and were ready to go. Tho clerk acted a bit sulky, and Mr Bowser was getting ready to give him a blast, when I appealed to' him to hold his peace. I told him it was tho custom for several thousand ladies to come down town every afternoon to shop, and that shopping consisted of promenadiug up and down to show thoir suits off to a lot of well dressed loafers, and entering the stores aad taking nn hour and a half to buy a sixpence worth of lace or ribbon. Tho clerk melted a little at tho earao moment, and I got Mr Bowser out without another eruption. ' Now for the dishes, , ho said as we got out, and went to a crockery store. My heart sank as I saw tho place crowded with ladies. Wo halted beside ono who was saying to a clerk: 'And so that tooth-pick holder is six cents?' • Only six, madamo.' ' How very cute !' ' ' Yos, it is.'' ' And it is imported P' •It is.' ' How very, vory charming ! This is the same ono I saw yesterday, is it f ' Oh, certainly.' 1 ♦ Dear me, but I wish I could make up my mind whether to take it or not. _ You see, wo may move in tho spring, and if we moved, you know ' . ' I want about $15 worth of dishos,'. interrupted Mr Bowser., ' Yes, sir, in jusfc a moment.' 'How many of those toothpick holders have you got ?' ' Only live.' ' I'll take tho lot; and now como and wait on me. I want twelve cups and saucers, twenty-four plates, three or four platters, two tureens, and a fish platter.' The lady turned about and killed me dead with one long look. Then sho looked at the back of Mr Bowser's neck and tried to murder him, but he would not fall. Theu she returned and killed mo over again, gave her shoulder* a twjst and walked out of the ftore. She had har<% departed when a fresh arrival asked our clerk, busy though lie 'was, to .how her some teaspoons. 'Mndatiu, , said Mr Bowser, 'do yau I wish to buy some spoons ?' •P-rhap;. , ' Do you know whether you do or not ?' i Why—l—l will look at them.' ' Very well; you sit down and wait until I am through buying. I came to buy, I know what 1 want, and shall pay cash down.' 1 was killed again, and if looks could have crushed Mr Bowser, he'd hay« been a mangled corpse in ten seconds. We were only thirteen minutes buying tho dishes, I and us wo jrot out and reached the car, Mr Bowser find: ' Mrs Bowser, when you como down town do you go fooling around the stones and obstructing doorways, and crosswalks like the women wo have seen to-day.' ' I—l guess I do.' ' And end iip by buyintr four cents worth of something r' 1 Yes ; it is tho custom." ' And would it have taken you three weeks to buy what we bought in two hours ?' 1 Yes, Kir.' ' Then I'll write this very day to on idiot asylum and see if I can squeozo you in ! It's no wonder every other home in Detroit is full of ecundiil, and every other husband wants a divorce!' IT COST TOO MUCH. In the early days of tho direct tea-trade between China and America, importers were anxious 1 o secure the earliest cargoes of anew crop. Tho fastest clipperhhips were engaged in the trade. Great hasto iv loading them was followed by a hot race to reach Now York. Tho first cargo brought the heat price and large profits; thesuccosufulcaptaia was always rewarded, so every known aid to navigation was adapted. A young captain of onu of Mr Aster's clippers, bought on one of his trips anew chronometer, mid with its aid made a quick passage and arrived first. Ho put the price of it into tho expense uccouut of the trip, but Mr Astor threw it out insisting that such «n item* of expense foi new ftmgled notions could not be allowed Tho captain tbpreupou resigned, and tool service with a rival line. The next year h< reached port long in advance of any competitor, to the great delight and profit of hii employers, and the chagrin of Mr Astor Not long after they chanced to meet, and Mr Adtorinquired, 'By the way, captain, how much did tho chronometer cost you?' 'Six hundred dollars, , then with a quizzical glanco he asked, ' And ho%v much did it cost you, Mr Astor ? ' Six thousand dollars.' Men are often unfortunate in tho rejection of what they call now fangled notions, but Robert Cleave, seed merchant of Invercargill, N.Z., and a member of the Town Council, has, discovered a ♦ new-fangled ' proprietary article that has given him ontire satisfaction for his outlay. Ho writes: ' Two years ago I began to bo sadly troubled with a complication of bodily ailmento. AH parts of my body were invaded hy intense pain, which in the client, hips, loin, and back, were almost unbearable My circulating and digestive organs wcro all out of order, my urmc constantly loaded with sediments. l r rie acid doubtless existed to excess iv my blood, which was greatly deteriorated. During tho night I would bo awakened by tho most intense pains in tho loins and hips, which be.oarao of a violent and burning , naturo. Acting on tho advice of my doctor, I repaired to the hot springs in the North, where I underwont hydropathic treatment. I did not derive any perceptible benefit at that alleged shrine of health, but on my return homo I took a treatment of Warner's s.u?b Curo and Warner's bavx Pills. Whon Iliad taken a few bottles of tho medicine, my paint were greatly modified, my blood scorned stronger arid pnror, which I attribute to the fact that your Tnedicines dissolved tlw lactic acid in the system. My improvement is decided and permanent. Ido not suft 3r now fro.n attacks of pain as formerly, and my mental restlessness, a pronounced system of my disease, j has left mo. I havo now consumed about fifteen bottles of Warner's safk Curo and a few vials of Warner's safe Pills, and can certify that it is the only medicine of the many I tried, which has done me any good, and lias brought my health to its present (satisfactory stufo.' Mrs Louis Coutts, of Gore, N.Z., writes : ' I havo suffered for a number of years from an affection of- the

bladder, combined with kidney disease. The .latter complaint was evidenced by pains experienced in the back. -My ■■•■water- wan always filled with a muous discharge, and when urinating I experienced asealding- sensation. At times I was under tho neuessitv ot rising again again from my bed, seized •with im uncontrollable desire to urinate, but the attempt to do so was ineffectual. When however,! was obliged to micturate, I often suffered much pain. There wae a feeling of languor nndermining my formoractivity anil good health, and I felt disinolined to any exorcise. Having undergono medical treatment for my complaint, without beneficial resulte, at tho besrinninprof lastyear I commenced th « use of Warner's safe Cure. To my great «nd pleasant surprise, the second bott'a greatly mitigated my very painful symptomu. In all I tookabout twenty bottles of Warnor'ssAKs Cure, whichhastfioroughlysubduel my urinary difßoulties. , Many a physician is daily finding his patients, long timo chronic invalids, unaccountably restored to health by the use of the new kidney specific. Ne .v fangled notions are somotimes very valuable, nnd it costs too much to foolishly reject them. " ■■■•■•