FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4078, 16 August 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

A late party—The burglar. Off for the Summer—Tho ulster. The King of Greece—Oleomargine. The health question—How are you ? Tho early swimmer catches the cramp. How to make a milkman's eyes waterPump him. A kitchen joke. The flour of the family —that which turns out the best bred. A pleasant tour through Europe is only feasible when the tourist is fees-able. We overheard an old lady ask her little boy how he " dare steal the treacle syruptitiously?" A man gathers wisdom by financial loss. Like a razor, he is the sharper for being strapped. An Irishman, when up in a balloon, yelled, "Be jabers, if yoz don't pull it down I'll cut the ropes." " Oh, you needn't worry," she said ; " I wouldn't kiss you even if the freckles on your face were golden guineas !" A thirteen-year-old girl picked up a book of part songs the other day, and remarked: "Part songs and part what elsef" "There is a use for everything," said the surgeon, as he slyly dropped orange skins on the pavement at midnight. A paper has this advertisement: "Two sisters want washing." Thousands of brothers are in tho same predicament. The world is pretty even—the piano has spoiled many a good dish-washer, and many a good dish-washer has spoiled a piano. Professor: '' What can you say in regard to the articulation of the bones?" Student (doubtfully): " I don't think they articulate very much." Aimec says she has mastered '' ze Anglacc lankvitch." We should say that she had not only mastered it, but was jumping on it with both feet.

" Herr Meyer, I suppose you understood that everyone was to bring along something to the picnic. What have you brought?" Herr Meyer: "My leetle twins, Hans and Jakob."

Little Jack: <' Let's play wo is married.'' Little Nell: " No, I won't; it ain't right." Little Jack: "Why ain't it." Little Nell: "Tause mamma said we musn't quarrel." "Oh, aunt!" cried little Amy in the nursery tho other day, "do make Freddy behave himself. Every time I happen to bit him on the head with a mallet he bursts out crying." From the French.—A good country priest said to a dying drunkard : "My son, you must be reconciled with your enemies." "Then," groaned the poor wretch, "give mo a glass of water." The depression : "Uneasy lies tho head that wears a crown " is absurd, because no sensible king ever goes to bed with his crown on. He always hangs it on the back of his chair, with his vest. " Lovo is blind." Maybe that's how the gas is SO often turned down in the parlour when love takes possession. Because why ? Love being blind, there 13 no good in wasting gas to make light for it. A Pat Definition. —Teacher: "Mary, spell and define atom." "Atom, a-t-o-m, atom; means to go and fight." "How is that, Mary?" "Why, it's what they say to dogs, you know —' at'em.' " The small boy's mother now begins to feel his hair each time he enters the house, but the small boy knows a trick worth two of that — he doesn't go home from swimming until his hair is dry. " Can you draw a dog ?" asked a young lady of a gentlemen caller. The youth blushed crimson, and said it depended upon two things—the size of the dog and tho strength of the material in his pants. Dealer: '' Would you like to have a French clock?" MrsMulcahy: "No, indade. I don't want none ay yer Flinch clocks. It's a clock that I can understand when it strikes that I want, so I do."

We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tensions waiting to bo struck. Because a Chicago girl leaves her shoes outside of tho door of her room in a hotel, to be polished, it docs not excuse the porter for knocking and asking if she wants " those valises taken down to tho office to be checked."

A Scotchman, having a warm dispute with aLondon cabman about his fare, said : " I'd have ye ken I am a Mackintosh." To winch tho Cockney replied : " You may bo a humbrella, for all I knows; but my faro is eighteen-penco." "Ma," said Miss Parvenue, "Jenny Jones has been presented at court in London." "That's nothing," replied ma. "Why, I was in court two whole weeks when my sister was getting her divorce. We are just as good as tho Joneses."

A bookbinder said to his wife at their wedding: "It seems that now we arc bound together, two volumes in one, with clasps." " Yes," observed ono of tho guests. "Ono side highly ornamented Turkey morocco, and the other plain calf." " Oh, dear, I believe I should faint if a man asked mo to marry him," said a giddy, gushing damsel. "Never fear," retorted her practical grandmother; " you might possibly faint, but, if you wanted him, you'd manage to say yes before you did so." While visiting tho Louvre in Paris, a lady showed tho Venus of Milo to her little daughter. "But tell me, mamma," asked the child, " what did they cut her arms oft' for?" " Because she was always sucking Tier thumb." Her daughter asked no more questions. An old German merchant in the city was informed that a lady had called to see him in his absence. " A lady," he mused aloud —" A lady ?" Upon an accurate description being given, he suddenly brightened up, and added :'' Oh! dot vos no lady ! Dot vos myvife!"

"Can you let me have £5 this morning to purchase a bonnet, my dear?" said a lady to her husband one morning at breakfast. " By-and-bye, my love." "That's -whatyou always say, my dear ; but how can I buy and buy without tho money ?" And that brought the money. There is a young lady in North Britain, who is six feet four inches tall, and she is engaged to be married. The man who Avon her did it in those words:—"Thy beauty sets my heart aglow—l'd wed thee right or wrong ; man wants but little here below, but wants that little long." "Poor John, ho was a kind and forbearing husband," sobbed the widow on her return from the funeral. "Yes," said a sympathising neighbor, "but it is all for tho best. You must try and comfort yourself, my deai-, with the thought that your husband is at peace at last." A countryman was sowing his ground, when two smart fellows came riding by, one of whom called out with an insolent air : " Well, man, 'tis your business to sow ; but wo reap the fruits of your labor." The rustic replied: "'Tisvery like you may; for just now I am sowing hemp." A young gentleman at a ball tho other night awkwardly stepped on a lady's dress and tore away about two yards of the lower trimming. He excused himself on the ground that he travelled for his house, and had acquired such punctual habits that he was never known to miss a train.

Here is ono of the latest amenities of rival butcher boys in England—First boy: '' Hallo, 3'oung colonial ! Why your master sells nothing ""lint New Zealand mutton. Yah!" Second boy: "That's right, old foot and mouth disease. He does, and gets full English prices for it too. Yah !" An artful juryman, addressing tho clerk of tho Court while tho latter was administering the oath, said, " Speak up ! I cannot hear what you say." " Stop !" said Baron Aldcrson, from the Bench. " Aro you deaf ?" "Yes, my lord, of one ear." " Then you may leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear both sides."

A very polite and impressible gentleman, meeting a boy in the street, said, " My dear boy, may I inquire where Robinson's shop isF" "Certainly, sir," said the boy very respectfully. After waiting- a few minutes, the gentleman said, "Well, my boy, where is it F" " I have not the least idea," said the urchin. Captain, to two privates practising with their riiles : '' Come, let mo have one of your rifles. You shoot wretchedly." He shoots and misses. "There," ho says, " that is tho way you shoot." Shoots and misses again. To second private: "And

that's the way you shoot." Shoots again and hits. " And that's the way I shoot." She Knew Her Ring.—"Strange," remarked Mrs Brown ; "I have rung at Mrs Smith's door three times this week and I never succeeded in getting an answer. 1 expect the family is out of town." " Possibly," replied" Mrs Jones; "but Mrs Smith was telling me a few minutes ago that she could tell your ring among a thousand!"

" Amy," said the high school graduate to her friend, yesterday, " I gave Sue the frigid vibration this morning." "You gave her what?" asked Amy. "Tho frigid vibration," replied Mildred. " What in the world is that?" asked Amy, in astonishment. "What you call a handshake, you know," explained the high school girl. Messenger boy (in breathless haste) — "Here's the medicine that Mrs Browne sent mo for." Servant (at the door) — "And aro you the little messenger boy that was sent to the drug-store for the medicine?" Messenger boy (endeavoring to catch hisbreath)—" V—yes." Servant— " Well, you take it back. The sick man died day before yesterday." They Need a Change.—"Sam," said a Chicago man to his bartender, "put, away that fine whisky and I'll get in a good stock of the cheapest." "Why, there's going to be another Convention next month, you know," was tho reply. " Yes, that's just it—it's tho Democratic Convention. The successful merchant adapts his goods to the taste of his patrons." "How I pity the poor such a night as this," said Bland, as he satin his comfortable apartment. " Then why," asked Bluff, " don't you put on your coat and go and see if you cannot render assistance to some of them?" "Ah," replied Bland, " then I should not be so comfortable as I am now, and 1 might forget the poor and begin to pity myself. That would bo selfish, you know." A very small Speck was climbing up tho milky way one moonlight night. "Ah, my little fellow, where are you from?" asked the Big Dipper. "Me ? I'm from a grocery store down on earth." "How do you come to be away up hero ? " "O, I've been getting higher and higher year after year, and smaller and smaller, too," '' That's funny. Who are you ? " " I'm the bottom of a strawberry-box."