RULES FOR OPENING THE DOOR IN THE WEE SMA' HOURS.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3662, 10 April 1883, Page 4

RULES FOR OPENING THE DOOR IN THE WEE SMA' HOURS.

1. Upon reaching the stoop, wliich is still where it was iv the morning, retreat to the kerb; then imagine that you are iv an elevator, and, swinging your arms rapidly aud powerfully, advance upon the stoop ; the momentum thus acquired will carry you irp the steps to the door.

2. Having got to the door, grasp the protuberance (that's the knob, but you won't recognise it) in your left hand, and while using the protuberance as an anchorage, as well as a landmark, begin to explore directly beneath it for the keyhole. lj. Tho keyhole found, fumble in your pockets until you collide with a thin piece of wood. That's a toothpick ; but by all means insert it in the keyhole ; it has never been known to open a door, but this must not discourage you.

•J. Should the toothpick fail, a penknife may succeed. Therefore, leaving the toothpick iv the keyhole, insert the pocketknife also. Perhaps you arc studying a combination lock aud have hit upon the combination. An expert will decide.

b. No ; the penknife and the toothpick have not opened the door. Something must be wrong with the lock ; it has been tampered with. Not so fast.

G. You have a button-book. Put the hooked end in tho keyhole. Turn it three times to the left anel twice to the right. Pull it towards you vigorously. Shout and stamp; jam tlie toothpick and penknife farther iii. Give the button-hook another tremendous pull. The door is opening. A figure holeling a lamp anel almost spectral in a white wrapper stands iv the vestibule. You have discovered the combination ': The combination is complete? Yem'H hear all about if, when you get up stairs. Good ni-rht, yon poor, miserable, enslaved married man. Now, don't stand there protesting that you havo taken nothing stronger than lemonade. Did lemonade bang your hair ? Docs lemonade make you stutter !' Did lemonade give you partial paralysis of the legs? You'll finally admit that you've been down to the club. Yes, verily, the club, like charity, covereth a multitude of s i n . s .—Buffalo Commercial Advertiser.