WIT AND HUMOR.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3551, 25 November 1882, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

An old gentleman finding a couple of his nieces fencing with two broomsticks, said : ' Come, come, my dears, that kind of an accomplishment will not help you in getting husbands.' ' I know it, uncle,' responded

one of the girls, as she gave a lunge, 'but it will help us to keep our husbands in order when we have got'em.'

A certain politican at Albany being called a fool a fortnight ago, one of his defenders said, ' No, he isn't a fool; he's a noodle.' ' What is the difference ?' growled the original accuser. ' Why,' answered the other, ' the difference is just this : a noodle is a person who hasn't backbone enough, to be a fool.'

Some boys were annoying a venerable negro, who astounded them by solemnly sayiDg : ' Take car', you young white wilyun, or some ob you may be de Czar of Rooshy some ob dese days, an' den I'll jes' trow a bottle ob 'splodin' stuff at yer feet, an' den whar'll you be ? ' ' What is the meaning,' asked a solemn old prig of a mischievous boy—' what is the meaning of the proverb, ' Never look a gift horse in the mouth ?'' The boy instantly replied, ' I suppose it means the same as ' never look a gift horse chesnut in the wormhole.' '

The Detroit Free Press says that ' when the press of this country will do one-half the free advertising for a widowed seamstress that it will for an immoral actress a great start will be made towards burnishing up the jewel of consistency.' ' He was gored by an angry bull,' wrote a reporter, in describing the death of a farmer. ' Don't be tautological,' said the editor ; ' strike out the word angry; of course a good-natured bull wouldn't do such a thing.'

An American woman in Europe being asked who was the patron saint of the United States, answered : ' I can't say as to the men, but the pattern saint of American women is the dress-maker.'

The clergyman was annoyed when he saw in the report of his sermon that his nice phrase, ' the penitential tears of the convert,' had been turned into 'the penitentiary tears of the convict.'

' It doesn't hurt a man to be called a liar,' said a mother to her son, who was chafing under an insult.' ' That's all very well, mother, but I want it to hurt the other man,' responded the son.

' What aro toadstools good for ?' asked Emily of Augustus, as they were walking through a meadow. ' For toads to sit upon,' answered Gus. ' Oh, what f unGus!' sneered Emily. Resolving to be better without doing better is of no practical value. A good resolution is a fine starting point, but as a terminus it is utterly valueless. What does a bank teller tell ? Young man, check yourself, and do not incur any liability by attempting to discount that question.

Why are seeds, when sown, like gate posts ? Because they are planted in the earth to propagate. Dropping the h is an ex-aspirating habit.