Untitled

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3097, 1 June 1881, Page 4

An old lady who was wont to sit near the door of a certain church recently went, says a contemporary, to tho vicar and asked leave to take a more prominent sitting. ' Why ?' he asked. ' The fact of the matter is,' she replied, ' your curates preach such rubbish that by the time it grts down to me it's worth nothing at all.' A Scotch commoner once asked Sheridan how he got rid of his Irish brogue, as he wishes to avoid his own Scotch accent. •My dear fellow,' said Sheridan, 'don't attempt any such things. The house listens to you now because they don't understand you, *uit, if you become intelligible, they will be able to take your measure !' ' Curious thing about that statue of Wellington,' said old Brown, in a musing «orfc of tone, as he sauntered past Apsley Mouse with young Jones —'always shrinks when ifc rains, you know.' 'Don't say so ?' said the latter. ' Fact!' muttered the old man. ' Every time it rains it becomes a mere statuewefc;' and the old man's left thumb struck against the junior Jones's fifth rib.

A noble lord who returned very late, or rather very early, to his lodgings in Pall VTall, minus his latch-key, was compelled to ring for his landlady, by whom he was very severely taken to task for awakening her from her slumbers at so unseasonable an hour. ' Late ?' said the noble lord somewhat incoherently. ' Not at all, I assure you! It is not much more than one o'clock. I have just heard it strike—three times.' ' What nonsence, Pat, for you Papists to believe in miracles ? Did you ever see a miracle? Can you show me one ?' said Wilkins. —' Ifc isn't for the likes of me to ruake a miracle,' answered Pat, ' but may be I could show you something that would be a miracle.' —' Well, I wish you would,' said Wilkins. ' Let a man of sense see ifc, and I know ifc will be a humbug.'—Pat's temper was considerably ruffled by Wilkin's sneering. He walked on, however, goodhumoredly, until the narrowness of the path gave him occasion to exercise his politness by letting Wilkins walk ahead. Then he seized his opportunity, and with his foot, armed with a heavy hrogan, he applied a heavy kick to Wilkin's rear. The outraged man turned suddenly around to see what in the world it meant. —' Did yon feel that ? ' asked Pat. —'You are a fool!'roared Wilkins. 'Of course I felt it.' He knew, from Pat's brawny frame, he had no chance to revenge it. —' Well, then,' said Pat. 'It would be a miracle if you didn't"'