A PRIZE ESSAY ON LAW.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3095, 30 May 1881, Page 4

A PRIZE ESSAY ON LAW.

By a Pkinteu'b Devil,

Law is law. That is what learned scholars call a perfound remark ; which a perfound remark means as neither the writer nor tho reader understands its meaning. If you goeß to law with your neighbor you loves your neighbor as yourself, seem' as how you puts yourself and your neighbor to a dollop 0' expense. "To the law and the profits," meaning that all the profits goes to the lawyers. Laws is alius even-handed : which if you bets on credit you is in the law, while if you bets ready money you is out o' the law. Alius you bet on credit, and you doesn't require to pay, unless you chooses.

Judges is pompous pussons who is called " My Luds." ) hey says sternly, "Prisoner at the bar, are you' guilty or not guilty ?" which the prisoner answers and says, " How does I know until tho members o' the jury has a-returned o' their werdic ?" Then the judges looks most sternest of all and says, " If there is any maniferstations o' applause we clears the court." Which they never clears the court. If tho judges was only to says " We mean to clean the court," and did it, they would confer a everlastin' benefit on outraged humanity. A Scotch judge was absent from his duties for three drys, which when he returned the Lord President asks him, "Why was you absent?" And the judge answered and said, " I weroa-buryin' o' my wife." Then the Lord President he says, " A werry good excuse; I wishes we had all as good a one." And tbe other judges looked as if they wished they had. Then

they sighed their deepest, and went on wi' the business o' the court. City magistrates is coves as is faraious for the uniformity cf their decisions. O.ic feller half kills another feller, and knocks one o' 'is eves out; and the feller .vho commits this trifling offence gets fined 40 bob Another feller fakes a wipe from a pocket, and he gets three months 'ard. _ County magistrates is coves as basin their time made a good deal out o' thievin', and in course is clown on the thieves terrible. When v gamekeeper kills a poacher, the prisoner is acquitted, seeing as how it was self-offence ; but if a feller steals a turnip, he gets his six weeks 'ard. Which ifc a-sets a example to evil-doers ; and when the feller comes out o' prison, he goes and steals a chest o' drawers, or a elephant, or a haystack, or anything he can lay his 'ands on. 'Cos his thieving edication 'as been thoroughly completed in

gaol. Solicitors is men who doesn't solicit. They simply takes everything you has gut, and then bids you good-bye. For per example :—A feller owes you £25, and he won't pay. You engage' a solicitor who don't solicit. He soon gets the' tin out o' the feller, and expenses too. Then the solicitor a-sends you on an rteeoUii'ty which lie asks you to remit him by return of post £6 3s 4d, ihe amount of expenses was put in getting the £25 Which the £25 has also swallered up the solicitor as don't.solicit. ■ hen you finds that instead o' bein' £25 out of pocket you is out o' pocket ±31 3s 41. This is what is called Kquity, seem' as the feller who owed you has to pay jest exactly the same sum. Then you lives huppy all the rest o' your days, 'cos how you have done the feller who owed y-u the tin, ant! the solicitor as don't solicit have done both o' you. Barristers is men as has either too much or too little work to do. Give a barrister 11 name and everybody goes to him and give* vim all sorts 0' work ; while barristers as is iiis sooperiors, but has no name, is starving. Barristers before they becomes barristers must " eat their dinners"—which they does so, when they can get 'em, but which they often has to put up with a' alf-pint o' four half at one d. Barristers is lamed ignoramuses. They talks aloud and has voices like saw-mills. Some on 'em becomes Judges, and some on 'em l ord Chancellors, which they forgets their old friends and dies at the age o' 97, highly respected by the noomerous pussons they have so successfully wronged. The embyre barrister who was a-chewing o' tobacco was asked by a bencher. "Quid est ?ioc?" which he spat out the soothing weed and said " Hoc est quid.' Which the same embrye wa3 asked to translate Nisi Dominus Frustra ; and he answered and said, Nisi means one thing Dominus means another, but I forget what Frustra means, which showed that he knew all about it -and more. A many barristers writes for noosepapers, 'cos they can get the papers in for actions for libel, and the libels raises the circulations ; which the barristers then apologises and says, "O no, it warn't meant for you, not by no manner o' means." The paper then advertises that it has the largest circulation as never was seen nowhere. Which it is not true. Nothink ain't true.