AN ANXIOUS INQUIRER.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 2996, 1 February 1881, Page 4

AN ANXIOUS INQUIRER.

Thomas Wallace was a fine specimen of the long-waisted, red-headed, freckled-faced type of manhood once so popular on candypulls and quilting-bees in Ohio. His offence consisted in getting drunk on two schooners of beer and threatening to lick a standkeeper on the market who refused to sell him a watermelon as big as a yearling calf for seven cents. " I would like to enquire," began Thomas, as he stepped out, " I would like to inquiro if I am the person on trial ?" "You eortainly are." "Very well, then. I would like time to read up on the laws of the State, secure counsel, and call witnesses." " You'll have to go on trial at once. The case is not so serious that it need occupy over fifteen minutes." " Very well, again. Let's see what the officer says." The officer said that the prisoner was drunk and noisy, and that he arrested him while he was threatening to annihilate tho melon man, " I now anxiously inquire if I can crossexamine this man ?" aßked the prisoner. " You can." " Very well. Now, sir, wore you ever submitted to the test of color blindness ?" " No, sir." " Then your testimony isn't worth shucks. How do you know that I am the man at all ? Your Honour, I anxiously inquire if you are going to let this man's tostimony stand against me ?" " I don't see that colour blindness lias anything to do with it." " But I do." Now let the witness be called." The witness was a plain, blunt man. He testified that the prisoner picked ont tho melon, put down seven cents, and asserted that he would knock the head off any man who said it wasn't an even trade. " I now desire to anxiously iuquiro of this witness if he was ever in gaol ?" remarked Thomas. "No, sir!" was tho decided answer. " Do you call yourself an honest, truthful man. "I do." "Don't you know that you have perjured yourself in this caso, and that you aro liable to State Prison ?" " No, sir." " Very well—you can stand back. I now anxiously inquire if, your Honour, this case cannot be adjourned for two weeks P" " It cannot."

" Can't I send to Marquette for witnesses „ho havo known me all my life P" "No." " Very well. I n>r, : ; -■; ash my hands of the whole affair." "You are fined five dollars." " Five dollars ! I now anxiously inquire where, in Heaven's name, I am going to get the money?" "I don't know about that. In default of payment you will go up for thirty days." " Make it twenty, Judge." "Can't do it." "Make it twenty-five, then." "Can'tdo it," "Say, Judge, make ib twenty-nine and a half, and I'll be ever so much obliged." " The sentence is for thirty clays." "All right. I see you haven't the least accommodation about you, and I'll take the thirty. I don't want to be under obligations to any one. Good morning, sir. As the poet says : Through grated windows and prison bars I'll hold sweet converse with the stars.