UNDER THE VERANDAH. [WRITTEN FOR THE "WEEKLY NEWS']

Daily Southern Cross, Volume XXXI, Issue 5465, 27 February 1875, Page 1 (Supplement)

UNDER THE VERANDAH. [WRITTEN FOR THE "WEEKLY NEWS']

Ha, ha ! Look hero, horn's fun ! A couple of fire brigades are out practising in the Empire City, when the sptuy from one wets tho men from the 4 other ; thereupon tho rival immediately lota fly at the innocent offender. Of course tho innocent must have brought his engine to bear too, nncl then there probably arose tho edifying spectacle of two bodies of grown men sousing one another with cold water. To tho yottnger membors and to tho gamins — who no doubt assisted, as our Gallic friends would say — this must havo been fine fun : and wo can fancy their cries of " Go it, Whitoford !" " Hurrah, Moss, there's one in his eye !" &c. The telegram detailing the fact is eminently ridiculous, and irresistibly reminds ono of a ducking match between two parties of schoolboys, only tho boys, whon tho fun was ovor, would scarcely havo gono sneaking to their masters with the pitiful tale. Ono of the captains, however, brought the matter into Court, and had the other mulcted of 40s. and the costs, nearly £13. Pooty 'ittle dear ! did urn get its 'ittlo jacket wetted ; did urn, then ?

Really, my dear Mr. Herald, you should road your leading articles over before sending them to tho press. You couldn't surely have meant to say this in yoiu* last Monday's issue on tho election of a Super — I beg your pardon, I mean Superintendent, not Supernumerary ; please don't think that that .was an intentional slip, 9 true word Bpoken in jest. This is what you have written : u It will also bo said that it is desiwble to elect some one who will ' work ' with the General Government. Two years ago this was an important consideration ; but, happily for the hon&iir and iiulepmulcuce of the province, tho humiliating confession is now out of place." Why I Because " tho loaves are appropriated wnd the scramble is over!" In other words, we havo got what we wanted; so, a fig for the Government which gave it us ! Really, now, to put the matter delicately, isn't this letting the cat just a UUU too soon out of the bag 1

It seems that our guest, the Hon. Mr. Hastings, has given great dissatisfaction to the Good Templars of Wellington, by refusing to grant them a charter for a central lodge ; that is, in effect, to constitute them into the lodges of tho colony. In consequence, four of them, we hour, lire expected to resign thoir charters., I daresay tho Jion. gentleman knows what ho is about.* Ho may bo aware tli.it thure are other more populated and thereforo, for his mission, more important cities than the Queen of Wind and Drains ; or he may possibly be too "cute to allow one place $o'havi)t so much power over others ; or again, and still more possibly, ho may have bebn* i&t^er weary of the importunate Tomplip. But, whichever it be, what does the resignation of the charters signify 1 Does it moan that the members thereof may disband, and, by disbanding, "fcease to be Good Templars, and thereforo free to consider their pledges as no longer binding I I trust not ; but if it be so, what a splendid opportunity to nonTemplars to clear themselves of the abuse that has no doubt frequently been hurled at them, simply for enjoying what Nature so bountifully provides.

" TTsmg tliecfiiiHO that lacks nHBintaiicc, Jf;ing tlio wiong that nccilH 1 distance, Jf.mg the ftituic in the distance ; Anrl the good that we won't do." Wo havo all read Punch's skit on the looso m ui ding of advertisements in which a piano is wanted by a lady with curiously carved ivory legs : and I do not think that any comes nearer to that burlesque than the following in a local paper : — " Wanted a first-class cook for an hotel at Russell, male or female.'' Which' is male or female, Russell or the hotel? and what, in the name of the sex, is a female hotel? Most of us, too, have laughed at (I think) Scarron's complaint on the trivialities so often found . in Montaigne's Essays. "What the devil is it to the world," he says, " whether M. de Montaigne drinks white wine or red ?" what the devil is it to the world, I add, whother the correspondent was tabooed by Whikekoha to Unihu, or any other man 1

If any outside of the city, or of the Province, should by chance hear of the wonderful tale of the " Worm and the Button," as chronicled by an evening contemporary, that chemist's fortune will be made as surely as the benevolent Holloway, Physician in ordinary to the Human Race, has made his. Many an apothecary has put forth wonderful specifics for the cui'c of that disagreeable ailment, but it has been reserved for the king of them to astound the world, by extracting not only worms but buttons, and not only worms and buttons, but a worm in a button. How the reptile got into the button, or the button round the reptile is as much a mystery as how the button found itself in such an unaccountable place. It surely could not have been the water in its case. And, as we think of that sad story of ihe missing man of whom no clue could be found until one fine morning a trouser button turned up in a sausage, so I apprehend that in the future many mammas and papas will, for some time to come, and, until their offspring attain to years of discretion, be very solicitous as to the pabulum of their darlings. I quite agree with the contributor of the local that the effect was " astonishing," and I propose that for the sake of the discoverer, quite as much as for the cause of science the ' ' trophy" be presented to our museum. Then who will dare to say ho cares not a button for tho diet of worms 1 See the joke ? Cameo.

Not Bad for Bridget : A lady, at her own | expense, sent her servant to tho class of a professional cook, and was delighted with her progress. At the end of the course sho was surprised to learn that Bridget was engaged in looking for pastures new. "Why, ] Bridget, you aro not going to leave me! If ; you had not intended to remain with us, I should not have sent you to learn cooking." •'And iridade, mum," returned Bridget, "you don't expect mo to cook ia the new way on the old wages Vj Tho tnio girl has to be sought after. .She does not parade herself in »how goods. She is not fashionable. Generally she ia not rich, but, oh ! what a heart she has when you find her I so large, and. puro, and womanly. If you gain her love, your two thousands are millions. She'll not ask you for a carriage or a first-class house. She'll ■wear simple dresses, and turn them when necessary, with no vulgar magnificat to frown upon her economy. She'll keep everything neat' and nice in your flkyptrlour, and gire you such a welcome when you como home, that you'll think your power higher than ever. She'll entertain two friends on a dollar, and astonish you with the new thought how little .happiness depends on money. She'll make, you lovo home (if you don't you're a brute), and teach you how to pity while you scorn a poor fashionable society that thinks itself rich, and vainly tries to think itself happy. Now, do not, I pray you, say any more "I oan't afford to marry." Go, find the true woman And you can. Throw away that cigar, burn up that switch cane, be sensible yourself, and seek your wife in a sensible way.