Thank you for correcting the text in this article. Your corrections improve Papers Past searches for everyone. See the latest corrections.

This article contains searchable text which was automatically generated and may contain errors. Join the community and correct any errors you spot to help us improve Papers Past.

Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image
Article image

DIVERSIONS

Child Hirn star (seeing rainbow for the first time) : "Say, Pop. What does that advertise?”

Doctor: "Are you ever troubled with acute thirst?” M’Tavish: “No. 1 never let it go as far as that.”

The old Scots widow, on her way to dress the tombstone of her three husbands, was accosted by a former lover with fluent expressions of sympathy. “Three guid men,” he sighed. “Ah, Maggie, ma heart bleeds for ye.” “Awa wi’ ye and yer sympathy,'' snapped the widow, “Had ye ony spirit your name wad be there as week” '

A very henpecked busband reached the end of his patience, and, after a final row with his wife, took his bowler hat from the peg in the hall, and said, “I’m going.” Four years later be returned, and bis wife greeted him: “Where the dickens have you been?”

“Out,” he replied, and hung his hat on the same peg.

A well-known comedian was moving out of his house. Furniture was being loaded on to a van in the middle of a terrific rainstorm.

One of the neighbours passed by. “Hello, George! Moving?” be inquired, chattily. “No; but it’s such a beautiful day, I’m taking the furniture for a ride round !” was the grim reply.

Constable (to motorist): “Excuse me, sir, but your lights are out.” Motorist: “Ob, thanks, but it doesn’t really matter.” “Indeed, it does. May I see your driving licence?” “Driving licence—never had one.” “Is that so? And what about your insurance?” “I never carry that.” “Right. That makes three charges.” At this point the motorist’s wife leaned across and remarked sweetly: “Don’t take any notice of what he says, constable: he’s always like that when he’s drunk.” A householder promised his wife he would interview the estate agent and register several complaints regarding the villa. He was shown into the agent’s office.

“Look here,” he began, “I’m not at all satisfied with the house I got from you. Talk about draughts! Do you know, when I’m sitting in the diningroom, my hair blows all over my face. Just what do you propose to do about

“Well, sir,” the estate agent replied, blandly, “if it’s as bad as you say, some remedy is certainly called for. I’ll tell you what—l always try to satisfy my clients. I warn you I’m no barber — but if you insist, I’ll have a shot at cutting your hair!”

• Bart>er: “Would you like me to go over your face twice, sir?” Customer: “Yes, if there’s any left.”

"You have my sympathy, old man.” “Why?” “My wife has a new hat—and she’s calling on your wife to-morrow.”

Jones: "1 see they’re erecting a statue to the man who invented pneumatic tyres.” Smith: “Wouldn’t a bust be more appropriate?”

The teacher wrote on the blackboard : “The horse and the cow is in the stable.”

“Now,” she said to a little boy, "what is wrong with that sentence?” “Well, miss, you should say, ‘The cow and the horse is in the stable’.” “Why?” “Ladies first.”

Jones and his wife were attending the ship's concert during a luxury cruise. Parts of it were excellent, but there was one singer whose voice, like her figure, had certainly seen better days.

“Yon know.” said Jones, “it’s a terrible thing when a great singer begins to realise she is losing her voice.” “It’s much more terrible,” said bis wife, drvly, “when she doesn’t realise it!”

The film actor and his wife were seated in a secluded corner of their club. The wife had a tongue like a shrew, and was berating her husband in no uncertain terms. Unnoticed by her, a party of acquaintances approached within earshot, just as she delivered herself: “You mean skunk! Of all the snakes I think you’re the worst. You're just a cheap skate!”

Noticing the people who had just arrived, the husband, who deserves a medal for tact, said, “Quite right, dear. And what else did you say to him?”

The plumber was working and his new assistant was looking on. The latter was learning the trade and this was his first day. “Say!” he inquired. “Does the boss charge for my time?” “Certainly,” was the reply.

“But I haven’t done anything.” The plumber had been inspecting the job with a lighted candle, which he handed to his helper. “Here,” he said, “if you’ve got to be so conscientious, blow that out!”

“Daddy, why . . .?” ho began, for the twentieth time that evening. “Look here,” said the exasperated father, “have you ever heard of the little boy who asked so many questions that he was turned into a question mark?” The child pondered over this. “But, daddy,” he said at last, “how did he manage to keep the dot under himself?”

Permanent link to this item

https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/DOM19380910.2.184.6

Bibliographic details

Dominion, Volume 31, Issue 296, 10 September 1938, Page 3 (Supplement)

Word Count
789

DIVERSIONS Dominion, Volume 31, Issue 296, 10 September 1938, Page 3 (Supplement)

DIVERSIONS Dominion, Volume 31, Issue 296, 10 September 1938, Page 3 (Supplement)

Help

Log in or create a Papers Past website account

Use your Papers Past website account to correct newspaper text.

By creating and using this account you agree to our terms of use.

Log in with RealMe®

If you’ve used a RealMe login somewhere else, you can use it here too. If you don’t already have a username and password, just click Log in and you can choose to create one.


Log in again to continue your work

Your session has expired.

Log in again with RealMe®


Alert