DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 31, Issue 278, 20 August 1938, Page 3 (Supplement)

DIVERSIONS

Wife: "Owing to the way you talked to her on the ’phone yesterday, the maid has given notice.” Husband: “Great Scott! I thought I was talking to you !”

Jones was demonstrating to Ids friend the speed of his new car. when it suddenly slowed down, came to a standstill, and refused to budge.

“I thought you said this was :i fast car.” said the friend to Jones. “So it is,” replied Jones. "Very fast.” "Well.” said the friend, “hadn’t we better get out and see what it’s fast to?”

Dad was trying to read, but young Willie was pestering him with questions. “Dad,” he said, "does the ostrich sometimes bury its head in the ground?” “Yes, yes,” replied Dad, testily. “Then.” went on the boy. “how does it remember where it buried it?”

* * "I once caught a lion, unarmed and unaided,” boasted, the club bore. “How on earth did you do that?”

“Oh, I just shot him.” “But you said you caught him un armed and unaided?” “Well, so he was ”

A woman went into a shop to choose a book for her husband. When the assistant asked her what she wanted, she said: “I want a book for my husband—a birthday present—show me what you have —nothing too expensive, but I don’t want anything cheap either. He’s not fond of sport, so don’t show me anything in that line, and I don’t want any trashy novels or any poetry, and I won’t have anything in the way of history, biography, geography. Come on. suggest something. I’m in a hurry!” The assistant banded her a book and said: “Here’s a little work entitled ‘How to Manage n Loudspeaker.’”,

One evening, fired after a difficult day, the American statesman handed the menu back to the negro waiter and said : “Just bring me a good meal.” He put a generous tip on his plate. A good meal, a very good meal, was served. This happened several times. When he was waited upon for the last time by the negro, the statesman trebled the tip as a good-bye gesture. Just before he was. ready to leave the table, his now devoted waiter leaned over his chair confidentially. “Thank you, sah.” he said, “an’ if you done got any othah frien’s what can’t read, you jes’ send ’em to me, sah.”

Dickie: “We’re going to have a cricket match—England versus the AllIndians.”

Bobby: “Are you going r o blacken your faces?” Dickie: “No. Some of the boys are going to wash theirs.”

A carpenter was sent from the local works to carry out some small repairs at the house of a certain lady. His mate, of course, went with him to the house.

As soon as they arrived, the mistress of the house called her maid. “Mary,” she ordered, “see that my jewel-case is locked up at once.” The carpenter watched Mary odf of the room. Then, tufning to his mate, he said in a loud tone of voice: “Take my watch and chain back to .the shop, George. It seems this house isn’t safe.”

A business man tells of a friend who said to him one day: “Life—well, it’s just not worth living; it’s just one trouble after another. But I’m going to try out a new scheme. . . . I’ve just engaged a young man. and whenever I have a worry, I’m going to pass it on to him, and he’ll have to take care of it.”

“Now, that’s a good idea.” said the other. "What are you going to pay him?” “A thousand a year.” “What’s that? You complain of bad trade, and pay a man a thousand pounds a year to take care of your worries. Where are you going to get the money to pay him?” “Well,” said the friend, “I reckon that’s going to be his first worry.”

Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Segal were separated for a couple of days, and Mr. Samuel, fond and dutiful husband, rang up his wife. Conversation was continuing on an even pace when suddenly a shriek of “Heavens!” followed by dead silence, sent Mr. Samuel dashing to the police. Fifteen police, armed to the teeth, dashed with him to a house in the next village. They found the telephone receiver dangling above the unconscious woman.

They revived her, and she gasped: “He’s still here in the house. He may be under the bed or in a cupboard, but I know he’s still here. He ran right up to me. ...” “What did he look like?” interrupted the sergeant in charge. “Look like? Why, he looked like—like any other mouse, only more so!”