DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 31, Issue 106, 29 January 1938, Page 4 (Supplement)

DIVERSIONS

“Ma,” asked the little girl, who was reading a geography book, “where is the State of Matrimony?” “That,” said the mother, “is one of the United States.” Uncle: “How are you getting on at school, boys?” Reggie: “I’m first in history.” Uncle: “An'd you, George?” George: “I’m first in the street when it’s time to go home.” « » Jock had been painting his gate with the words, “No hawkers or canvassers.” His wife saw it and whispered something to him. Jock then added: “Except with samples.” » » « Sergeant: “Did you give the prisoner third degree?” Constable: “Yes. We browbeat him, badgered him, and asked him every question we could think of.” "And what did he do?” “He dozed off, and merely said: ‘Yes, dear, you are perfectly right.’ ” » o » A farmer was walking down a lane when suddenly a farm labourer came running up to him, panting for breath. “Hey, guv’nor, there’s a bull running wild,” he gasped. “Which way did it go?” asked the farmer. “Lumme,” snorted the labourer. “You don’t think I’m chasin’ it, do ye? ” , < A certain rather exclusive club had replaced its familiar black-coated male staff with young and, in some cases, pretty waitresses. One day a member who had been strongly opposed to the change arrived at the club for lunch. “How’s the duck?” he asked an attractive waitress rather gruffly. “Oh, I’m fine!” she replied perkily. “And how’s the old pelican feeling himself?”

“I’m afraid I shall have to summon you. miss. You are doing forty miles an hour,” said the policeman. “Oh, you are too late, officer,” simpered (lie damsel. “Another policeman told me that about three miles back.” * # # Girl’s Father: “So you want to marry my daughter, eh? Well, my answer depends upon your financial position.” Young Man: “What a coincidence! My financial position depends upon your answer.” * * « Curate (admiring parishioner’s bowl of bulbs) : “How delightful to think it will soon be opening time, Mrs. Smith.” Mrs. Smith: “Well, who’d ever think you’d be sayin’ a thing like that! But I’m game to pop out for a quick one if you feel like it.” Two revellers were driving along the highway when a policeman stopped them: “Look here,” he demanded. “What’s the i'dea of driving backwards?” “Backwards?” “Yes,” barked the policeman. “Backwards.” The drunks looked at each other. “I shay,” mused the second one. “No wonder itsh taking ush sho long to get home.” # » • Voice Over Phone: “I want one room for to-night, please. The name is Lumsden—L for Lucy, U for Una, M for Mary, S for Stephen, D for Dick, E for Edith, N for Nellia.” Proprietress of Country Hotel: “Good gracious! Are they all coming? Tiie young office girl was talking to a friend about her young man. “I’m doubtful about my Jim !” she said. “Why, whatever for?” asked the other. “Now he’s got a job on a big refrigerator,” said the first, “I’m afraid his love will grow cold!”