DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 31, Issue 72, 18 December 1937, Page 22

DIVERSIONS

“It costs me a thousand a year to live.” “Don’t pay it—it isn’t worth it!” ♦ $ ♦

"Isold Sandy a typical Scotsman?" “I should say so. He’s saved all his toys for his second* childhood."

Old Gent: “What do you mean by saying your occupation has gone?" Tramp: “They’ve pulled down the house I used to' lean against,”

Angry Father: “I don’t know what to do about your telling untruths. When I was your age I never told a lie.” Little Son: “How old were you when you started, please, dad?”

Two Scotsmen entered a tram and sat behind a very pretty girl. “That’s a bonnie wee lassie in front," remarked one of them. “Shall we .speak tae her?”

“Nay, mon, wait and see if she’s paid her fare.”

American Manager (back from Europe): “Wai, boys, Spike sure had a wunnerful time in England. Interdooced to all the big guys, Lord Jawn Reith, Sir Derby, the Oil of Connaught, an’ the Dook of Lonsdale: met ’em all, din’tcher, Spike, boy?" Boxer: “Yeah, an’ licked ’em all, too.”

Reports had reached the police that motorists were in the habit of cutting off a corner in a certain Irish village, and the officer in charge decided that something would have to be done before a serious accident occurred. A constable was therefore sent to police the corner. During the first few. minutes of his duty a car drove round the corner at high speed in the old manner. The constable pulled up the driver. “Don’t you know you must go round me?” he asked sternly.

“Sorry," replied the driver. “I didn’t know you were there.” “Well, be careful now,” was the reply. “In future, go round me whether I’m here or not.”

Visitor to Convict: “What brought you to this place?” Burglar: “Sneezing.” jjs * *

Captain: “Have you cleaned the deck and polished the brasses?” Sailor: “Yes, sir, and I’ve swept the horizon with my telescope.” * * *

It was a very hot and sultry day

“May I see the thinnest thing you have in a dress?” she inquired. “Very sorry, madam,” replied the new assistant, "but she’s out at lunch.”

First Labourer: "You orter take a pleasure in yer work,” the boss says, "you orter delight in cornin’ to work.”

Second Labourer: “Ob’ ’E’ll be wantin’ us ter pay entertainment tax next.”

"My wife,” said the newlywed proudly, “can talk for hours on any subject.” "Oil, yes,” replied Ids friend, with feeling. “Mine doesn’t need any subject.”

A little boy had taken his mother’s powder puff, and was in the act of powdering his face when liis small sister, aged five, snatched it from him. "You mustn’t do that!” she exclaimed. “Only ladles use powder. Gentlemen wash themselves.”

"Look here.” said the boss to the clerk, "what does this mean? Someone just phoned up and said you were sick and wouldn’t be in the office to-day.” The clerk thought for a moment, and then burst out laughing.

“Ha, ha! The joke's on him. He wasn't supposed to ring’ up until next Friday!”

Young William found his sweetheart asleep on the sofa when he called, one evening. When she woke up she accused him of stealing a kiss. “Well; darling,” he said, “I will admit that the temptation was too strong for me. I did steal just one.” "Just one!” cried the girl indignantly, “Why I counted at least seven before I woke up!”