DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 30, Issue 143, 13 March 1937, Page 26

DIVERSIONS

Tlie officials who engage, men for certain Government Departments have one of those highly scientific intelligence tests to which every candidate is subjected. Up to a few days ago. these tests included a couple of catch questions—the kind that couldn’t be answered. You proved you had brains by not trying to answer them. All went according to plan until a university graduate turned up for the exams. He was asked the two questions —and to the horror of the scientists lie answered both. Here they are, with his answers:—

"How long,” read the question, "is a piece of string?” ‘‘A piece of string,” said the bright boy, ‘‘is twice the distance between the centre and either end.” Think that over! • "How far,” read the second question, "can a dog run into the woods?” To which the young man answered: “A dog can run only half-way into the woods. After that, he is running out of the woods.”

Toasts were in order. The chairman rose to introduce a prominent elderly speaker, and said:-— ‘‘Gentlemen, you have just been giving your attention to a turkey stuffed with sage. Now you will give your attention to a sage stuffed with turkey.”

"1 want some grapes for my sick husband. Do you know if any poison has been sprayed on these you have?” ‘‘No, mum; you’ll have to get that at the chemist’s.”

Traveller: "What, is the use of timetables it your trains are always late.'' Porter: "What use would our wait-ing-rooms be it’ the trains were always on lime?"

“What makes you look so disgusted, Sharp?” asked one young lawyer of another. "Why. .von know that old skin-flint Jones, don't you?'' "The millionaire? Yes." "Well, lie died yesterday without, making a will, and here are half the lawyers in town hard up. His heirs will probably get every farthing.”

Playing over an Irish golf course, a peppery old man lost Ills ball and accused bis caddie of having stolen it. When a moment later it was found, the golfer began an apology; the boy interrupted with: — “Arrah, uivir mind. You thought 01 was a thafe, and Oi thought you was a gintlemau, an’ begorra, we botli made a mistake.”

A certain vicar had two curates; one, a comparatively elderly man, was a fine preacher, much better than the vicar. The other was a young and handsome fellow fresh from college and very popular with the ladies. They were both too popular, anyway, for the vicar's liking, .so he gave them the sack. On their last Sunday at the church, the older curate preached a farewell sermon at the evening service and took for his text, “Abide ye here with the ass while I and the lad will go up yonder and worship.”