PICKLES

Dominion, Volume 27, Issue 252, 21 July 1934, Page 18

PICKLES

“Yes,” said the ancient villager, “I be the oldest inhabitant—9s this month, and I reckon if it hadn't been for this putting -back the clocks I’d have been a centurion by this time!”

“What do you take as a. remedy for your insomnia?” “A glass'of wine at regular intervals.” “Does that make you sleep?” “No, bub it makes me content to stay awake.”

Thg school teacher wrote on the back of Johnny's report card: “John studies hard and is an apt pupil, but he talks too much.” Johnny’s father wrote back: “You ought to meet his mother.”

Friend: “Ah, professor, o I hear your wife has had twins. Boys or girls?” Absent-minded Professor: “Well, I believe one is. a boy and one a girl. But It may be the other way round.”

Nurse: ,“Why aren’t you eating your rice pudding, darling?” Tiny: “’Cos I don’t like it.” Nurse: “Well, now let’s pretend you do like it and eat it up quick. Come along.” Tiny: “No, nurse; let’s pretend I have eaten it.”

Husband: I’ve had a slice of luck while you’ve been out! Wife: Have you really? How? Husband: The landlord called and said as how he’s fed up with calling here and getting no rent, so he said we could have the house for nothing. Wife: But surely you didn’t take it? Husbahd: Why, of course I did!” Wife: Well, all I can say is you are a fool. .We'll have to pay rates now."

“Do you- think you cpn make a good portrait of my wife?” 'V'My friend, I can make it so life-like you’ll jump every time you see it.” «■ * « • Husband: “What made you choose lemon for your new dress?” Wife: “Because I had such a job squeezing it> out of you.” , Lover (eloping' with' -his adored): “How much fe the fare?” Taxi-driver: “That’s all right, sir. .The young lady’s father settled all .that!’! * A little girl who had been naughty was lectured by her nurse about heaven and “the other place,” and it was ultimately settled-.that in future she wotild be good and have no fear of- “the other place.” “But. if I was very, very good,” said little C-issie, “do you think they’d let me have a little devil up there to play with?” 0 * • Business man (who had got on in life) : Yes, when I first came to New York I had only a dollar in my pocket with which to make a start. Interviewer: How did you invest that dollar? Business man : Used it to pay for a telegram home for more money.

An old Scot was smoking-in the waiting room of a railway station. A porter said to him Don’t you see that notice on the wall, “No Smoking Allowed ?” “Yes, I do,” said the Scot. "But how can I keep all your rules? There’s another one on the wall, ‘Wear Spirella Corsets.’ ”,

“Trim the lawn, ma’am?” asked the disreputable-looking gardener, who was carrying a large pair of shears. “No thank ybu,” said the lady of the house. “Clip the bushes, ma’am?" “No 1”

“Well, ma’am, I must earn an honest penny somehow. What abaht ’aving yer ’air bobbed?” ■

Tommy had been given the job of sweeping the snow from a neighbour’s front doc® After he had completed the task—ifhere was a big pile of snow —the neighbour came to the ,door and pressed a coin in his hand. Tommy looked at it, but not a word passed his lips. “Now, Tommy,” said the neighbour, “what should a little boy say when he has been given a penny for sweeping the snow away?” “Daddy says 1 musu’t use that kind of language,” said the boy.

“Aren’t you the thought-reader who was entertaining the company a couple of hours ago by finding needles and other small objects they had hidden?” “Yes.” [‘Well, what has kept you here so long?" “I’m looking.for my hat”

Mrs. Higgs: I 'aven’t seen yer usband about lately,. Mrs. Higgins. I ’ope 'e’s quite well. Mrs. Higgins: Didn’t you ’ear? ’E fell off a tram, and got conclusion. “You mean concussion, my dear.” “I mean conclusion. ’E died.”

An inspector was examining a class in geography, and, addressing a small boy. he asked: “Would it be possible for your father to walk round the earth?”. . . “No, sir,” replied the boy promptly. “Why not?” “Because, he fell down and hurt nis leg yesterday.” . * « •

Member of Anti-gambling League: I will not) say I have never gambled. I once bought a ticket in a’ raffle for my wife. Man in Audience: So. that's how you got her!. .

A company was talking about a departed acquaintance. One asked .another, an American: “Are you going to his funeral?” “No,” the American replied, “but the proceedings have my entire approval’!” ' * - ' »

“When did you hurt your hand, Bill?” “Coming home last night, from Jinrs parley. I’d very nearly reached the house when some clumsy idiot trod on it,”