THE CHANGING SCENE.

Dominion, Volume 1, Issue 92, 11 January 1908, Page 5

THE CHANGING SCENE.

_♦ 4 ,3 /, ! A BIRD'S-EYE VIEW. ' (Br x,Casual Cheoniceeb) 1 In'a Press, Association oho day this' week in the evening paper i ± under'tho headmgj! ,l there appeared i the following remark- ' ! ablo item. i "Fifty-ono births were' ' ro-i ( j gistered m Chnsvshurch in the last two ' days of 1907, being a record for tbo .cffiM, .-. /- ' 1 the average being t eight per day." It is i ] claimed that a two days' product of 51 on ail ' average, of eight per days has .never,, been, ,v{ aclnoved beforo. .h A local-,: mathematician v. suggosts-r-in defiance :of grammar,. it must a, -J; be pointed- out—rtbatr tho average may refer;y.,- a to the whole year.'*; But- it is unnecessary l to :;.- : - 11 complicate tho m.itter. What is clear -is 't ~] that Chnstchurcli' put up a fino uphill'.performance, a'nd, it appears to-have just saved 1 tho'match m tho .final over. ,> x " ■ 111 the same budget of "Christehurch Mat- i ters". we noted an* equally brilliant performancer "The holidays, passed without a tram- s *lkM way accident, thejexception;being the kill- -. :•••• ing of'' a horse. I '/! The othor exception* fcrred to was, ofi.courso,. a chimney fire in , i.' Temuka. 't ,' . "H " "No, I'm ooppin': no. more advice:■ from -jjs* spiritualists,", said Billo., is the. ~ ■ worst'tbing a bloke can cop.: Cop anything, Ginger, but don't cop advice."' ' '■ "Rule o' me own, Billo," said Gingar. ' / "Wot's tho trouble?" " ' / •.<-''A v 'spiritualist*'lady 'oped that in.future a ';r "■ * ; ;:i greater freedom would como:• , between '! preacher an' listener. The congregation,' she;v Baid, oughter chip in; .Well, -I went, ter .'-'i church nex' Sunday; •-. Th' oldbloko-in the ~ , .'.; pulpit', 'e says; -Remember thatyer Bufferin's s-vjj ■is : only tempory.Bear your crosses.' So. I-v. ? ups an'- says, lightin' mo pipe, ■' 'Arf a ,mo', ' v - I'd like ter 'avo that made clear.' 'E stopped, an 1 looked at me as :if Vd bin 'it ;i, in tho back with a 'arf-brick. - ' 'Ave yer;-!', ever slep' out on the Reclamation?': I'sayß.-'.: ; v:-;»> 'E doesn't answer. 'Let's argy .it, mato,'. I says; 'Let's got. this 'oro thing, settled.'y. An' I wuz goin' on: ter 'ayo it out, iv'en, ; . ', : another .old bloko came an! tapped mo on ... tho shoulder. 'Hout er this>'s 'o sojrs,-. an! v l v . ; i-; 'ands 'im one on the smeller.; : An', then hout:v; v '.v'i I weht, with fourteen sidpsmen ,'ung on : toe- , :r----in festoons." >.■,vi'-v.' '■* "Au' wot 'appened?" siid Ginger. ; ''Two quid-or. Don't you take advice, ..:y Ginger. An' don't go ter church.": . ...-V-.,U There seemed to bo more than . met the eye-in those', suggestive passages from ■ an, | editorial in a local journal on Wednesday: ~ .I "Then., suddenly, enter upon tho gloomy: ■ - j . stage,' opposite- tho ■ disconsolate prompter, • : 1 ;.i tins phoenix of tho palette—this: moa, of .'j canvas commerco — Seventeen Thousand / : : ' Tour Hundred and Fifty-Eight Pounds- ,• • Nino i Shillings , and Fourpence. . How? j • Whence? Even omitting tho oddments and ~ . ■ ; /:j appurtenances, Why?. .. . •., Here, is an- .. other problem.to.Bolvo; for Australia also— • as: some-of her local painters have declared ; :J with the pangs by an economical ' diet of Fiji bananas—Australia also is an .. .; ,j inartistic country, au art-abjuring nation, / Then? if?. Whether? • Well,-suppose tliat,..instead of questioning unaccountable conse- . quences.'we admit them? Supposo wo de- 1 j , mur to the preinißses?" , 1 . ■ i. Inspector Ellison, however,: will r. . j be glad to learn, says that tliero is nothing in tho rumour. Tho missing document,, ho v says,'has, been found-.- Tho crowd, ho points :. - out, behaved quite well, although tho coffin ■■ ■] contained a roll of , load.:. Ho ascribes the .. .I wholo affair to tho heat. • ,

"A well-known authority on daisies, referring to • the Wellington milk'' supply? , this morning,says a'- local, paper on Thursday,

"said that it was'unfortunate that' milk was' opnipio; and foreign matter was not easily, discernible to the naked eye." That is all very well, but before:'making. up its mind tho public will wait until the botanist's, opinion, is corroborated by some responsible authority on gas engines. ,

A calile message reports !■ .that Lord': Iloberts has made an appeal to the nation, for funds to. rcscue Crimean and Indian Mutiny veterans from the workhouse. The appeal is the outcome of tlio revelation, in connection wifch a banquet 'to veterans to commombrato the jubilee of the 'Indian Miitiny,! that many of the: veterans came .from the workhouses. ' i ■

Of tlio heroes at the feast Sing tho' stimulating fnmo: ■ How' they marched from London East, Waving crutches ,as they caine. They had dressed them in ■ their frayed and . .faded best,'For tho Empire! overjoyed, : . " Cooks and waiters had employed . To dispel that aching void 'Neath the vest.

7, In the workhouso they had thought , V- : That the. Empire had forgot 17 , -All • the glorious, fights they fought/.' . V Little dreamed they it hnd not. Unexpected , came the summons to appear <\. Each rheumatic veteran > With his clasps and crutches ran;. • ' As lie charged at Inkcnaan With a cheer. "

How tliey rushed the besr and beef! How the veterans displayed Appetites beyond belief 0! Tho glorious charge they made! For their services, how glorious tho crown! And through every loyal man Noble thoughts of-Empire ran As each palsied . : i Put it down.

Willi what gravo eye-dimming pride In Past Vnlour's high reward Tho Dominion laughed and cried ' .For these,children ot : the sword! Dear to England aro her olden fighting-men.; Fully paid is Honour's sum: . .■ Now, let Valour hobble home, To the workhouse and the 1 slum ' Back again.

"The Empire is, not- to bo savod by kicking goals or hitting Tourers','' remarked Tub Dominion the other day. Mr. Abo Bailey thinks otherwise, and, thanks to his commercial training, he has been ablo to discover the "missing link" for which tho biologists of Empire have vainly been seeking. Ho suggests the formation of "tin Imperial Cricket Board of Control, rach colony to havo one representative, nnd England one, in addition to tho Chairman." It is easy to prophesy the history of tho now movement. Mr. Deakin will object, of courso, to tho way in which Mr. Winston Churchill will attempt to abrogate the Jones-Barling Treaty; Mr. Bailey will topplo to his ruin after a gent)-' ral election, at which tho British public will pass a vote of censure .upon "cricket slavery." Finally, howovor, tho sclieme will' be embodied in tho constitution of the Empire! Before carrying out any policy the. British Cabinet will bo required to play each of the Dominion Cabinets, and tho victorious Cabinet will decide tho question. The Houso of Lords will be abolished and tho Marylebone Cricket Conncil will tako its ploco., Members of tho various Parliaments will be required to pass a practical examination, Messrs. Cotter and Holder being tho examiners. Eventually a statesman will arise and propose that the off theory is no longer .suited to, the Empiro, and that disruption

.will-follow unless there is a reversion, to the on theory. . A long and acrimonious contro-. vers'y will ensue, and . the bonds of Empire will, be seriously strained. In' tho meantime. Germany willhavo declared wai;,.'and, Rafter the.'first 'shock - :of disco've^'that the/enemy intends to' send a team of battleships' instead' of cricketers, thsj snub-nosed, ■ bare-faced colts-will leap from pavilion and crease and strike, with'their bats and wickcts, honTe'/, . "I . wondher how' ..much 'twill '-'cost' -«our graridchilder," said Mr; Dooloy."I wondher,, whether we can lafforrd it. • I doubt,: Jawn, .whether -1, shud anny longer postpone mo returrn t' th' ould lap'." . .. ''What's th' throublc?" asked Mr. -Hen-, nessy.' : ' "Me frind Joe Warrd has hinted that there'll be a million surrplus'.: Yo neednli. intcrrnp,' Jawn, 'f'r yo dinriau what a surr--plus,' a modheren .surrplus iv th' joo' Warrd ayra, raly is. I, think: I mils' discharrgb' Hogan, an' sell th' goat, f'r I nivcr knew things wnz so ba-ad.. -A half-million surrplus I can stan' without fcelin' ' th' pinch, " but without' sthric' econ'my, Jawn, we'll have th' bailiffs in th' front room now that me frind Joe is goin' t' lash out t' th' choqn iv wan million-stig. tol! me how th', surrplus is made. Th'' Printer sen's f'r th' lightnin' calc'lator. 'Bill,' he says, ,'wurrk me. out a. million. surrnlus.'. lie says. An', he borries 'wan million an: a half, adds it t>' th' balance fr'm last year, adds th' exciss iv. income over expenditure, an totals up two million: He thransfers wan million iv ihis • revynoo ,t' : public ' wurrics, air th'. million surrplus lef'./Y'add what ye'owe t' what.' yo didn't pay oft.' It's, diff'rent 'fr'm th' method iv th' ignorant, au' old-fashioned business man that puts his surrplus in th' bank. Me frind Joo says 'Live within yere means,' says he, "even if yo .have.t' borry t 'do ut,' he say 3. In 1891 . ,th'' surrplus .was'., three-an'-six. In 1901 it was half a million, an' th' counthry, didn't :borry more thin eight millions that year. Be 1902' th'* surrplus, was six hundred thousand', an' they bor'ried tin millions. Th' more ye make th' more ye borry." •

"But if th' public debt is incraysin' tin'

times as fast.as th' little heap. in-th' top / dhraw iv.th' green bureau, how can wo be ; doin' well?" asked Mr. Henncssy. . . "Ye-haven't th' linanceel gift, J ami.- If 'I wuzt' go t'.,.M6ses at ,tli'. corrner an' ask f'r three Hundred becuz I had med tin cints,

an' had only borried five hundhrcd last wake

though I'had med sis,cents an' a quarther, iMos'es "wad get in some fut an'' elbow work on me. But that's low finance. Jn high

finance, as conducted' be me frind Joe, who I'd back agin all wizards, colour barred, in th' .. Primeering thrado—in high finance,' Jawn,- th' greather tli' surrplus th' more y' owe. :-Will it-be. three or, four, million that Joe will borry? I think, Jawn, that th' man in London whoso wan is t' han'.us out wads .may.;be gettin' res'less. |I: think, Jawn, I'll sell th' goat. I'll apply : f'r wan quid, me share iv th', surrplus,.-an' I'll slopo before I have' t' pay me share iv its expinsivo consequinces. .'E'r I seem t' get, less out.iv th'-surrplus forrmed lie addin' .what we owe t' what wo .didn't pay thin aven th' sinkin' fun'- does. It got 3s. 6d. in eighteen sixty one.' I'd take ,lialf. a crown, 'Jawn, an' be glad t'Vgct it. I'll discharrge Hogan,' an' sell tli' goat. I can't afforrd tli' rayspojisibility iv beirt' wan iv th' ■ proprietors tiy-ti' surrplus.".