FUN AND FANCY.

Dominion, Volume 1, Issue 75, 21 December 1907, Page 20

FUN AND FANCY.

•UNDERSTOOD.-.;': T7 LOVED a maidon onco so well , ' L ,As she. was passing fair^;; : J_l And that is more, the truth to toll, -. . v Than now to love I'd care; . And sho,would \et,me.kiss her hand . _ : When I'd boon very- u',..., .-..., - ; That; is, -if- I would' understand, v. i ., \. -At longth I understjop'd.' ; ■; >;' ' • •I asked her for her photograph . , To ilight my,lonely rooin.; She laughed a. merry little laugh, — :. ■ - But: left-' mo • to. my, gloom _ '. For that was, .such. a .'"strange j.demanq.. ' Sho: did not: think sho'xould-^: • ißecauso I might not "understand. ( . ( And then I understood. V .I. wooed .her .in tho .morning,,.noo.nj' : \ v And afcurnoon, and night,..... ] ; I would have fetchcd th.o very moon ( ; • --.And stars for.her delight; . •.She said ray lovo .was truly grand, . ' . And that .some day she would 1 — ; 'And '.hoped .'that..l "understand, v ,' ; , ' How'weU.l;,understood I',;; ' ''•At Ust-1 took l)y ,forcb/'of ..arms r': s ' £ . : The kisses-she denied; 2"'' Her dimples were her chiefest charms, And so she nevor cried, ■ v ;But "faltered as . with nimble-. hand.... > She re-arranged !her snood, ' . you'- wouldn't''understand! But I had understood. V .. . —WILLIAM',BARD M'VICKAR. ,

THB TALE .OF 'BILL- TliE SAILOR-MAN. Oh;''twas a'Sailor-man named Bill -~ -Had longings for Low Latitudes; . , f 'His friends predicted for., 1 him, ill,. <■ '•'AVith tnto'and. trying'platitudes J . ■~ 'But Bill; determined to-be bold, .. . • Chartered-the'good ship Leopold,. ' lAnd'thus'hb stowed'hor.spacious holdi ■' - >• ■' 'A- leg of-lamb, a- slice of harn, . i 1 ~,,, . "And fifty-nine cheeso• sandwiches^- ! >... IA.H-'apple pic,, a quart of-ryo, u -.m . Jfor< to rejoice that land which -is■ lAbaft-the-Southcrn Hemisphere. • [And keep;its natives in good cheer...in course^of;time,;.to,suit. -myrhyme,/,,,. ' iiJiil reached: the South Extremity . Of- Baffins; Bay. V-VAhoy.!-. Belay 1" . ■'. "/ > Cried vhe;',and ekp -. ... • lA -lovely Southern Queen .approaching, , .[Whose modiste, certainly ..needs, coaching I''..-,; ,i ; 'Hercostume was a;,' "jieau de.noir," .au".napurd:; : .' • • tadVjefc'.Bm/tajfj a^te, -\ : SheiWas a .Queen,-and highly'swell-; . . -. (Wherefore, he madly..,dashed , his mizzen,■. 'And landing, asked her"to bo .his'n ! ' r ;\ ~,,. 'And they were onelr Tfye'setting-sun r . vßeh'eld.tHeir'unibn quite'c'ordpleted;■ \ v ■ I^eSth''™a"''tirißiß; , 'in'-'dijgiiity,'> ■ " The Royal Queen atjtable;seated,;; l '"' • 'Admired' Bill's taste with eager haste, • of . the :, wedding r T)anquet: there; . iWas'nothing left' b'ufc ; feet''and I .hair;'; ' CAnd'hairj', ybU;know, tastes; extra; ; lidrtid, : f" Kspecially -is; ohmates torrid) > ■ ■>■■ -. • ' So^-there-was-nothing .fit to pat--, I' . . faave ieet,-' • -■ o< i:.- • . Tho which-our Royal' Queen declined ' ..Far politesse, when she had dined. ■ 1 • • 'And she.mourns l still her lover,Bill, -i V . , 'gri'Qvings,igastr.onomicai,:: yi^, ''So'goocl, .so tpue, so-.tender,-tool ;.. I .. Oh,-may-my 1 astronomical . . Ulvwities-waft, quickly, to me.. ~ .. ] •Another such ,to;win-and woo-me! f J tl -,..i The wise in. no. wise lose, , .-,Yei.Maidens plump <or tall or slender'. > „>iRegarding.Lovers,nwhen you.,chews,■ tihoose ye.a man, both good.and—tender! 1 :THE; RHYMESTER'S CONFESSION* I'd- 1 rather do .rhymes of-a-morning- betimes - ~ .:. Thaiv anything'else on' tlie gamut of 'crimes.-' lJisc'iirsing I 'verfiing begaii ■ nursing, ' And chasing-a metricaMhou'ght ; as'it ; climb,S ' Is',sweet, I ropeatr^why,'-e'en as-'igait" ; Tho r chewing" rm 'dt)lhg'quite l !lyric I ly chimes." Alas;--what 1 : a' !" ,! My'- head's; a l , taorass 1 .-.' Of -singular, jingular : metres : ''en 'masse: :> ' Nor-do they retrdift'at the'noise 'pf'tlie streeti'■ :•* But 1 tread - through [' my- head' to the' beat'' of : , ' -my feet, *■■■■ .'"-' - 1 . 'The while each - particular r rupti'oli auricular '" (Jars 'of 'the'ears' or. a"hubbub'- v'dhicular),- ! '' ! ' ' i'alls into S: line|"as I'though' l by 1 ' •»> 1 - To' actVas'a'dactyl 1 or't'rbchee of mine.'.;'' . Ah v irie;'Hyou'cari see'by: the force-of my'plea;'| How'trbublesome-biibblesbme : metre hiay be. One hint:is enough--for—some stuff'in tho , . rough, - ; 1 'And I promptly advert »tb my shirt-slccvo. or cuff; " no'ij'A:word I-'have-hear.d |, tliat' , ijs I, 'ddd',' : or'-a' , namb 'That's oddfer; is-fodderfor feeding'thVflame'.' !AJso-the vernacular adds,'a- spectacular--; - • Shine,to a;{linb that was othenrise.'tam'e.' This| shows,': I suppose; a's f, far as lt 'goes; l • 1A) skill with-'the quill qui.te unsuited tq pro.se.' '!And so,'iwhen'l'm'hit by v a'rhythmical : fit," l r rhyme ! against time, and I' don't, I admit; JJistob l with-a.curb'any :verbular bit'/' Bufi build up upon it a sonnet or skit. ■ :I-never 'exp'e'ctjit-3:course'to direct,';""" *, 4 Bnt let it'espress'its excesses unchecked;'-,--' "i'is 'better-.'than'''drinking, to-my way !: of ; thinking,' I ■-' v 'i'pr .othets;'not : 'lV must endure; the efFect; 1 ' ; iFiay,'pardon this,'praise of'my Ways, biit r for ■ v" 'days -' 1 ' I've" itched-"to be'rich,'in 1 reward' for*'^my -.M-'.-i.. Ai'dimayb'e L.inight",-' so' weli rinditei' IfjOnly I..'had' some''ideas' v/hen'r.'.writo: ' UNFORTUNATE-REMARKS;

J Bofore : ..'mdiing , '(ise l of quotations, v.veil' or Scripture, o'iio fought' to' bo' careful time tins' idea' 'bo -, conveyed' is ; just'what J ; |s .in-i sometimes,' ''even'' with f I;.>. Wtiriteiitioiisp'oii'd '.g!6'As' astray.. At- a. dinner givori • by', an 'English; nobleman ;'an. oWi'gf'jxfc'i-.. man rose'to -proposo a toast, and iljs opohirig-' seritenco'! 'Vas'' ehHiusiastici.ilj'ap-' platided/' it'; Watf'.'eTidontly'. not .quite; wliii't'" ho' Bad'intended it should be. . ''"I- feol," said' he ; '"that [for' a .'.verjjr'.plain country • squiro liko my&lf 'to address, tb'jj learned company is indeed to dast p:>iii'ls ! li( ; - fore swine.' •""' ' • It was some time before die understood why his-hearers laiigheH so upToai'ioiisly. ■ A showman at a fair wound up a glowing "description* of what' was< to be 1 seen , iii'his booth •• with j the ambiguous ; statement--.•• -''Step ;in,-. gentleman;-;step' : in.-- Take my ; word for it you-Will be"highly delighted when you come out!" . .- ; s »thateldo."' : i'A : Parisian.- once .remarked ■to Longfellow ■that there was one American word tnatMionever could'-uuderstand' or- find' in 'any''dictionary. :. : r, • """" " .'What:'is it?" inguirod the poet.'"' "Thateldo," was -the reply." •; s. "Inevor heard of the word," said Longfellow. Presently a servant' came in to replenish tho'firo. Aftor putting on ii little fuel, Longfellow remarked to him — .I'That will.do." ; L '"Ha I".exclaimed the Frenchman, "that is the. very, word, which has troubled mo." - ' - "COMPANIONABLE. '.Edward was:.discovered one .day. in..tho street throwing-stones at a' cat, and was soveroly reprimanded' l for his cruelty by his mother,, who also ; pointed out to him how dangerous it, was. to tho passers-by for small' boys to indulge in such sports. Shortly after this tho family went- to Naples, and on their/arrival found Vesuvius in a mild statu of eruption. Edward'was-a silent observer, of the^phenomonon-for some minutes. "Who is throwing'stones out of that mountain?" he at last- demanded. .-. '■'God;''-replied his : mother.'-' . ;>f "i'hen; I wish he'd come' ,arid play \?ith mo,"'i; Edward said. ".We'd get aloDg together tirst-rate," '

IN SEARCH OF INFORMATION. "How. do you mana'go to find your way across;,tho ocean?.",'. said, a' lady to a son captain.,' ... ' Why,, by. the compass. The needle always points .to",tho nprt ; h." "Yes, T know, But i(l what .if you'wish to RO.south?" Miti: : ■

WOULD NOT WAIT. Book Canvasser: "I should like to meet your husband, madam, and show him this valuable .work- on—tho' heavens and tho ;earth! Listen to that! There is a mad bull iloose in tho street.....l— —" - i- Lady of tho House: "Oh, no! That is my ' husband roaring about having to pay his dog licence.;.: Ho will see you in a few moments, and-^!';., ■ • ,I!ook Canyasser: "Good-day! . .

OH \RACTFFJSTIC ■■ OF HIS TRADE. ■Visitor (to pawnbroker):• "I supposo you receive, ratlier' -a--, bad 'class of customers in your'business?'' : - .- ' Pawnbroker": "Yes'; few of them have any redeeming .'qualities'.'', ' . / , - MEETING HER HALF WAY. She; "If wo are'going to get married, you miist give up smoking.' ! , ;-'Hb:' "Yes.":.'She:' MAnd drinking; and your club. : '.She':' : ' : "NoW, doesn'-ti. anything. else suggest itself-(to you that you..-will givb up.'of your own - accord?" - • •,Hb:'"Yes\" - '' : She: "What?" " ' 'He:'/All idea-of niarryiiig you." :, ' , MORE,ADULTERATION, i.i-AiiV"But, '■ my.dear,-fellow,', you. needn't grumble- Why, you;were;bom .with a silver spoon in-vour-mouth.". v . -B- : :" "Ah —-so-t-hoy thought at first; but they round out,it(Was orily electro." INSIsTIID ON IT. ■ ' - , Police Court Lawyer (to plainly .dressed witness)': '.'l'-presume, my good fellow, you are.- a-labourer i ..Witnessi (civil engineer): "You are right. I am a workman, -'sir;!?/ | "Familiar,witluthoiuse ofvpick, shovel, and spade;-'! presume ?"'•• . ' ''To:some extent. .Those are not the prin-cipal-implement s of my trade, though." ; r-."Porhays-you,,will condescend to enlighten me as : to-your principle implements"' fit is: hardily ,worth,>while. Yoii don't understand; their or use." (Loftily): "Probably:;not; but I insist on knowing "what' tlioy i are." , "Brains." NO BREACH OF PROMISE BUSINESS : ••:; i ;*;:^.; ; ;,.;for'lira.; • " ! ,"No,-:, ;6eorge,'.'. she said, "I cannot marry you. iT sliall always .osteem you as a friend, -but I-cannot.be.-your wife." " , : /.George hesita:ted'.ir,o.', f."Clara,", -hb said,--.brokenly, . " will" you granb;.mef:'6ne., fafonr«before I go away for ever?"-, iilv • . •' . c"Yes,'.'Georgo;"'she.replied, kindly. "What-isi-it?"; 51: •;.! .tl ' , .."Pleaseiput your-refusal down on paper;. I shall,feel safer." .- - , ' UNGRATEFUL. :Judge: - ."Prisoner;j.the bar, have you anything to'say fori,yo,urself?" '. ■ ' ■ Prisoner,:' Yes, I - admits. I'm a vagabond and n thief; but v'er oughter bo ( werry. thankful ..I'm/'here and let me . ..orf lightly."!;--. • «f- •'.- ;-Judge,:,("Hpw>.'do,you make that out?" : .-'Prisoner"Well, supposo wo blokes went a striko and turned -honest, what would as you do fur a livin' ?" ;,. J^dge,,.(spyerely):.."pin—five years', penal servitude."' • ---

' NOBODY ASKED HIM. "Will ydii be" kind enough to take that sack iff thii* teat?" '"Said' a countryman who got into a train. "No sir. I don't propose 1 to do anything of the sort, : replied ' tlio traveller, who was sitting on tho other sido' of the scat. ■ ; : "Do you say that you are going to let that sack stay t-hero?" ■' "Yes, sir, I.do-" ".. ' "In' caso you don't removo that sack, I shall bb' under' tho painful necessity of calling the guard." ' ''You'"ciih' ! call'ih tho guard, the ongineer, and' ; th'e'.'brakesman,''.if. you want to. Perhaps 'jfou had hotter ; stop and telegraph to the gonoral manager about it..". ' "Tho guard'will 'put'you out of. tho train." '"I dohi't caro if .ho docs. I am -not fe't-wg to take thfj-t sack from the place whero it is." "The indignant passenger went along tho train, and soon returned with the guard. "So you rofuso to removo the sack, do yon?" asked the guard.'; •"I do." (Great' sensation.) '• "Why do you-persist' in refusing to remove thc'sack?" ' ' "Because' it's not mine." "Why didn't'yoii say so at onceP" "Because' nobody asked 'me."

Tbe Last §traCo. The stniit man'with tho florid complexion brought tho front legs of his chair down upon the porch Moor with a thump. "I'm thirsty again," lie said, glancing sidewise at his two companions. "Wherein you differ from a camel," remarked the young college man. "A ramel can go nine days without drinking."., . The thin, wiry, bronzed old , gentleman sitting between them nodded approvingly. "Very true," said he; /'very true. \our statement concerning tho. camel is porfectly correct; Did I oyer 'tell -you gentlemen of tho adventure that I had with a came) while in Arabia?" "Is" it a story?" inquired tlie young man. ' "Well—yes," assented tho old gentleman, with some show of reluctance. "It is a istory—if you caro to hear it." ' The stout man seemed disgusted and disappointed, but ho repressed • his . emotions. "By all means," lie said, resignedly. "By all means jet us hear tho story. ' Tho old gentleman devoted a few silent seconds to mental preparation, and then began: . v ' "El Daffa, whore I spent the .fall of 1887, is situated in Western Arabia, about .one hundred and twenty-five miles north of tho Imarioh Mountains. It is such a quiet, dirty, comfortable little town that I was loth to leave -it; but my orders, when they came,; were imperative. . "Those orders arrived on December 5, in a message, from Major Murphy, the commander of our expedition. The message was brief, consisting of only these ten words: 'I am waiting for you at Hofboof. Come at once. Murphy.' "If you 100k 1 at the map of Arabia you will see that Hofhoof, lies just ovpr the Turkish border, and is exactly four hundred and seventy miles duo east from El Daffa. Now, four hundred and seventy miles by camel is. a full six days'.journey. So I had no tinio to waste'.••

' "Beforo. nightfall of that samo day I had purchased a camel—a - fleet-footed '.Arabian beast of the variety, known as Nomanieh. By midnight I had my few belongings packed upon liim. And at thrco o'clock in the morning, ail hour before' daybreak, I was roady to mount the beast and set out on my journey to Hofhobf. : "Tho . camel knelt while. I clambered up on to his back, and then with a groan arose unsteadily, to his feet. Guiding him by means of tho strong halter with which he was furnished, I rode him around to the town; fountain and lot him drink. This was an act of folly that I soon had occasion to ropent. But I was not then as-well acquainted with camels as I'am now. "After he had taken a long, refreshing, uninterrupted three minutes' drink, in which operation ho consumed thirty-five pints of water, I turned his-head eastward, and away we went. "We'had been three-quarters of an .hour on our journey when I discovered what a gigantic blunder I had made in .letting. tlip camel have that drink. The discovery came about quite naturally. Believing that it would be advisable to adjust the baggago, I had decided to make a brief halt. I therefore grasped tho halter-strap firmly in my right liana, and pulled it with alLmy might, giving at'the samo time tho . customary signal to stop. The camel :paid no attention. I pulled'witJi both hands; but to'no. oft'ect; tho- .camel-. will • sped • on. I said,.-'Wlioa 1' but lie misunderstood me. Sarcastically,' I said, 'Got up!' and he did..' Aft'er..fifteen minutes of unceasing efforts 'I suddehly.de: sisted, as • there flashedacross - me a full realisation of my. predicament. .Tho camel had'had-a-drink, and was consequqntly.vgood for nine days. .Now, in- view of the 1 fact that we should reach Hoflioof .in only six days, the situation was, .to, say the .least! unpleasant. But,l could do :nothing,, and so resigned myself.- ". ■- .■ ';J ' "Six times the night closed down; over us, and six times more the red sun burned; his track across the sky. And then, oil. December 12, at half-past four in. the morning, we came in sight of H0f1i00f...., ■V.'- - "The ancient walls of the <jity, silhouetted, against tho eastern glow; loomed up. before us black and ghostly. wo neared; the walls I tried, again to check-the'camol but I might :as well havo i tried to olietfkthe wind; ho- bounced right '.straight along. Murphy was standing outsido ..tho city's gates as wo flew past; and I shall never forget the look of astonishment and anger that flitted across his face as, he; realised that'. I was. not going to .stop. •Hq .ordered' me to halt. But how could I halt •. the camel? >It was a high camcl; .it-had! hofire-' escape,"and there I'was. -. V- : V' - "Murphy was amazed.-' Commands failed him, and ho began to swear' at; mo. Ho was afraid that, I couldn't lioar.thimi 'so.ihe.'. paid live beggars a "centime apiece to help 1 him. And they did help him. As long'as ;I 1 was within ear-shot I could hear .thein. 7..They cursed and derided me, mocked. aiid-Yevjlcd my ancestors, my.! ..past, rand. liujig a pall over my future. ~ , i . • "Tho. camel had now still three days to go. So I planned to ride around.in,a. largo-.circle that, at of..three: days'.would',bring' us back again to the city., .The plan was a success. On i December 15, pearly/iii the moniirig, we arrived a second , time, -before tlie gates of Hoflioof. .• : ' ; ' "This time the camel halted..obodiently; and knelt \;o let mo dismount.; upon hearing my explanation; apologised' for swearing at me, and made the beggars give him back his centimes." / ■ .

A DISCONCERTING GRANDA. When grandpa comes to visit us And stays a or'two, And pa begins to make a fuss At everything I do, And says I'm worse than some disease, Then grandpa takes me on his knees, And when he lets me go Ho tells pa kind of low: "You ought to bo more patieriter—boys will . bo boys, you know." When I upset my soup one day, ." , .And spilled it on,tho lloor, Pa'.told me to go.right away" And not come hack no more;' • Ho said I ought to have to get My meals the way the.'heathens et. And after while, when ho Was not around to see, Why, grandpa gave 1110 half-a-crown to spend 011 him and me, One night when I got. whipped and sent To bed, and it.was all As dark as pitch up there, I went And listened in tho hall, And grandpa scolded pa! Wisht there Was 'only grandpas everywhere— ■ If all our pas, you know, Could.be our grandpas,'oil, 1 Then wouldn't this here world be fine and good to live in, though! ■ WHERE FOLLY BEATS. WISDOM. Dr. Emil Reich was once discussing marriage at a dinner in New York. "That' was a wise, saying of the old Greek philosopher," murmured an electriciaifc"Wlicther'you marry her or not, you will rfe. gret it." "I knew an old maid in my native'Eperjes,' r said Dr. Reich, "who once got off a saying almost as good as the immortal Greek one. , " 'Auntie,' said her . little niece to her, 'what would you do if you had your lifo to live over again?' "Tho lonely spinister, with a sour smile, answered— ■ . " 'Get married before I had senso enough to.decide to be an old maid.'"—New York "Tribune." CHEAP WINE. A very rich, very economical, and very parsimonious young squire was making preparations for a tenants' ball some years ago, and at his wino merchant's discovored a cheap brand of champagne. "This," lie said, "is a good brand of champagne. It is quite good enough for those people who will como to my tenants' ball; They couldn't toll tho difference, anyway." , Accordingly , lie ordered a dozen cases of the cheap wine. A day. or two before the event, picking up his newspaper, lie noticed that his wine merchant had a half-page'ad-vertisement; ' He ran his eyo over it, and saw in big, black letters the paragraph"Try; our celebrated champagne, -at 38 shillings a dozen, as ordered: by Gobsa Gold, Esq., for his forth- , coming, tenants' ball."—"lllustrated Bite."

AN EXPLANATION WANTED. Mother: "Ella, go to bed. Say ogod night to your governess and give her a kiss." Ella: "No, mamma; I don't want- t<j give her a kiss." Mother: "And why not?" ■ Ella: ."Bccauso when anyone pives her a kiss r.lie boxes their ears. Ask papa if she doesn't."

JUDGING'BY HIM! Guest (angrily): "Look-a-here, landlord, I'm heartily tired of the way you do business here. Didn't you ever have a' gentleman stop with you before?" Landlord (gazing at him searching!}-): "lium!' Arc you a gentleman?" (More angrily): "Of course!" (Decidedly): "Then I nover did.", MUST DO SOMETHING' Magistrate: "How comes it that you dared to break into this gentleman's house in the dead of night?" . '. Prisonor: "Why, your Worship, the other time you reproached mo for stealing in; broad daylight'. Ain't I allowed to woris at all?'' , TOO MATTER-OF-FACT. She wasn't feeling very well, and had been making him go.two or three times to the chemist's. At last he got comfortably settled in front of the fire with a newspaper. "George, dear." • "Well?" "We have been very happy together, haven't we?" .. .. "Yes." ' "I've always been a true and loving wife to you, haven't I?" • "Uh-huh." "George." "Well?" • ' ' " ' v ' "If I should— if I should not be spared to you, you will.not marry again?" l • • : . "Not if I, know it j". replied George, with such alacrity and omphasis. that, she rose from the sofa ,and went.,to her room. 1

MISPLACED CONFIDENCE., ; A little girl came.in from.school one day, verj' indignaiit because, she had been kept in to .correct her problems after tho others had .beeii dismissed. ■-. '.' " "Mamma,'" "she"said, "I'll ' nevur,' lieyur speak to N Edna_, Bates again as long as I live!" • "Why, dear?" asked her mother.. •• , "Because," pouted tho littlo maid, "because I copied all my sample's from her, and evey one of 'em was ivong." —Julian Menkey. ' AN OPPORTUNITY IN PROSPECT. Young Mr. Billington: "Amy, my love, 1 wish we lived in the good old days, when a knight could fight for his lady love." , Miss Cooington: "Why, - George .dear, as for that, you haven't asked papa's consent to our engagement yet, you know.", THE VOICE .OF EXPERIENCE. . Husband: "My dear, I want to ask' you one favour before you go off on that long visit." 1 . Wife: "A thousand, my love. What is ifc?" "Don't try to put the house in order before you leave." ■ "It wouldn't be hard work to do so. "Perhaps not; but think of the expenso of telegraphing to you every time I want to find anythiug."'. ' RECOMMENDED. Ethel: "Would you accept Jack if you were me?" ■ . ' Ada: "Yes, I think-so. I found him very agreeable for a few mouths."

REBUKED. . The deacon's wife wanted to jot down the text, and loaning, over to her scapegrace nephew, she whispered— "Have yon a card about you?" "You can't play in chafel," was his solemn, reproving answer, •'And tho good woman was no fluttered that- she forgot all about tlie toxK

7be \saff-7aper Trouble. A HOUSEKEEPER'S EXPERIENCE. " You recollect the paper on our staircase? It was quite fresh. Wo asked an idiot of a house-painter whether ho could paint tho dado and whitewash tho ceiling without damaging tho wall-paper. Ho spiled, and said nothing could' do easier. They would hang sheets over tho paper. Well, ho forgot to tell his men, and they spjashed a'wav merrily. When we arrived we found that our wall-paper had been whitewashed as well as the ceiling. 'Sickening, wasn't it?" "Very. What did you dor" •"I abused tho imbecile. He said they tt-ould clean the paper. They spent days dabbing about with sponges and pails and wet cloths. They took tho pattern off." "You made them repaper tho.walls'?" "Yes, I did. But, good neavons, it was a job. First, we had to choose a paper. Have you ever chosen a wall-paper?" "It: is a bit of a business." "A bit of a business? It is tho deuce of a business ! You see, the wife wanted something fresh, and artistic, and soft, and cool, and warm, and bright, and restful. I told her to jileaso herself, but, no, she would have me'in it. Look here, do you know who designs wall-papers?" "They say it is the Royal Academy!" , "AVell, whoever they are, I wish they had one neck, so that I could wring it! ' Wallpapers are—well, they are tho limit." "Ugly?" ■ "Don't ask me. It's not their ugliness I mindi Ity's their variety of ugliness. I believe all tho bad taste in the world is busy designing wall-papers. Honestly, I nearly lost my reason. We spent days in showrooms looking at fellows flapping tho patterns over benches. Wo got muddled., We lost v all power of judgment. 1 ' At last, I begged tho wife - to tako anything and bo dono with it." , "And did-she?" "No. She wouldn't give up hope. My dear boy, we lived in paper-shops. Unvo you ever had a wall-paper headache? No? I envy you. It's tho worst kind of headache. It makes your brain crawl with curly horrors. It's worse than D.T." "What did you choose in tho end?" "Brown paper. . Common, ordinary, cheap brown paper." Will you believo it, they could not paste it on the walls without splashing the paint ! ' Then they tried to touch up tho whito paint, and they not only covered it with blotches and patchos, but they slopped it over on tho paper. I tell you," it made mo< sick." . , ' " t What are they doing now?" "Oh, they aro repainting tho paint."— James in tho London "Leader."

INJURED INNOCENCE. Farmer Oldboy (to Tommy, in the applo tree): "If you had come and asked me for them apples, I'd a' give ye all ye could eat." Tommy: "l knowed it, sir. That's why I didn't ax ycr." Farmer Oldboy: "Well, I'll have to give ye'a'good thrashing." Tommy: ."What', for putting so much confidence in yer?" A NEW REMEDY. -.- About ten. o.'clock. one niorning two men met and' began threatening and calling each other, names.i O.ile filially called the other a : liar,- and • tljo. two were, about; to grapple, when,'a. womau opened the door and said— "Gentlemen, are you about,to fight?" ..- "Wd'aro!"-they answered together. "Then, have the .kindness to wait a moment," .'she continued,. ."My..: husoand has Deen sick for weeks,- and is now. able to sit ',up. : 'He is' very -.downhearted-'this' morning; and if; you'll/only wait ;till I'can .draw him. up to tho. window, I know, he'll be very grateful to you both." disappeared in the. house, and, after ■one look'into each: other's .faces, - the men smiled, : shook: hands,:-: and .'.'•departed-' to?' gether. •..' ~... . .-. ■ MERELY A 'COMPROMISE. One time/'on. the Texas, frontier,'a man cameiiit'o camp riding on; an.old;mule.,, v "How much-for'the mule?" asked a bystander..'' ■ .: .' ■ . "Jist' a • hundred-, dollars';" answered the driver. ' ",' ,' *"• ' ' ■ "I'll give .you five, dollars," said the other. ..' The driver' stopped short,, as: if in'amazement;, and then slowly, dismounced.,... "•:•. > :."Stranger,'" . said".he,' 'T ain't a-going'-.'to-.'let.::a. •'little' matter ' of, . ninety-live dollars ■stahd - between' mo and' a mule trade. The mule's'.yourn." ■ , - , :

"OP TWO EVILS.'.' " Slid (thirty-five.in'tlip shade).: "You must either ,marry iue:or.'buy ihe'a'silk 'dress; this is: leap-year,.you.know." , . ' ;.- He: ''• "."!• " ' : 'Slie'(archly):|".You,must.'' ' Ho (resignedly) : ."Well, what'-kind of silk ■would you prefer ?','/ .; - . THE '■ .WAY' HE ' DID \ IT. i ; ■ ' ■ A. man road'in ..the ]kper'that .the family should always bo the 'scene of'.laughter and merriment, and that"no meal should'be passed jn' the: moody'sjlririce that so often character-. ises.' such : cigcafions. v /'■■■■. ; •The"' idea struck'. lrim/so favourably that when his family 1 had gathered round the table that evening ho said: "Now, this sort of thing of keeping so muni at meals has got to stop. You near me, you girls? You begin to tell stories and keep up-an agreeable sort of talk like; and you, boys,- laugh and be jolly, or I'll take and dust your'jackets until you .can't, stand. Now begin!" . The glare that ho sent around the table made the family resemble a funeral party. ACCORDING TO CIRCUMSTANCES. An Englishman and an "Irishman met ono day, and the former, wishing to have some fun with Pat, asked him if no was good at measurement. • "I am-that,"-said Pat.

"Then, could you tell me how many shirts I could get out of a yard?" asked the Englishman. "Well," said Pat, "that depends on whoso yard you get into." -A*SEVERE ORDEAL. The two ladies had-not met for some time, and they were - vitally interested 'in each other's welfare.' "I hope your health is better than when I saw you last," said the first . "No; I grow worse every day," was the response. "Too bad, too bad ! What seems to bo the matter?" "No one knows, and the doctors, say they can't tell till after the post-mortem." "Why,-how awful!' You poor, dear tiling I In 'your stato, you can never live through that." , ; : THE LAWN SWING. On the coolest spot of my shady lawn, Where the clovers bloom and the woodbines cling, When I am weary iu' brain and brawn I : baste to tbo love of my old-lawn swing. The tall elms droop in a soft caress, The breezes play on a fancied lute, • As I fling myself to its glad ombrace, And gently press, with an eager foot. For I—know It will go—just so, Never too—fast, ' • Never too—slow, Never too—high, Never, too —low, Backward, —forward, ; ' Go, swing,—go I L waivo the joys of society For tho tranquil dreams of an idlo mood; I shun tho friends that aro dear to mo, And.tiptoe'olT to my solitude. ■ . Away with! play , and the toil ofHho day J Give mo the joy of a drowsy mind! Oil, let mo float in my lawn-swing boat In the soothing balm of a summer wind. For I—know It will go—just so, Never too—high, Never too —low, Nevor too—fast, Never too—slow,. Bnckwa rd,—forward, Go, swing,—go! 1\ Cleaveß.

WHAT HE HAD TO SAY FOR-'UIMSELF. "Extenuating.circumstances'.''have seldom been pleaded with greater ingenuity or upon mqre novel grounds than : by a culprit recently tried in a German court of justice for murder and 'robbery., According, to?'custom'; the:presiding judge, beforo sumftiing up the evidence for. the jury's consideration,.'-asked .the prisoner whether lie'.had anything to say for himself. ;. ; "Only this, your-honour," replied, the latter; "it was not a murder at all, but a'sui-; cide." .... . ; ; Judge: "How do you make-that out?" Prisoner: "In this way;-your honour. The deceased for years ■ before -his death went about, everywhere' saying that, he-was determined to put an end to-himself, but, he never had the courage to do so. .- At' last his resolution moved me to pity ; 50, in order to save him from disappointment, and, mOre especially, from not keeping his .word, I suicided him:" .- ; Judge: "That is all very well,'but what mndo you take his watch?" . , > Prisoner: "When he was dead he diu not require a watch. I did,' and so I very naturally put it in ray. pocket- Besides, your honour, lie was an old friend of-mine, and I wanted something t, 0. remember him by; ■

KILL OR CURE. ■ A stranger, journeying in France,_ fell sick unto death; his friend called' in a medical man, who demurred about giving bis professional services, fearing the wherewithal might not be forthcoming to settlo his bill. The friend, producing a hundred-franc bill, said: "Kill him or euro, him, this is yours." The sick man died, and'was buried; the doctor, finding his -money- Slow to appear, reminded the survivor of-the'debt. ■ "Did you cure him?" he asked. - "No, sir." • . \. "Did you kill bim?"- . "Certainly not."',. ..'. ;•• "Then you havo no claim on me, sir;-1 wish you good-day."'' ','/..'// A • PRECAUTION. • • ■ - He' was tho room. -~ • "George,she said,.''if a fir© were suddenly, to break out' in the houses -what.would be your ; first impulse, do' you.- think ' : f'AVell,, my first thought 'would be'for you, of course. 'I would get - you to a place of safety, :and - then •do -what -;I- could to' extinguish the flames."?'. .-/ • "It would : be very ■■nice' bF'ypu',' my; dear, to think, of;,me,= first:;,.butif, a 'fire, were' to break out-now,; for. instaiiije,; wouldn!fc>yo)i lose v. valuable r; timein/pinjiing 'across • the room?" a ••; • . "Perhaps I should," , "said . George, as he . changed-his seat. v.: 1 1 / SMART. '■ "Ain- eAinpnt Jiidge usod- to say. that, in his' thing ever said by a witWSs^b v ''a'' : 'coun6cl. was the reply given'to Missing',' the barrister, who was at the time leader of his circuit. -. • . . Ho.'was: defending; a prisoner charged with •stealing a donkey. The prosecutor had left the. animal tied to. a- gate, and when life returned it!was gone... . ~ - Missing was very/severe in his .examination of'the witness. 1 ■, • ,"Do-ybu mean.'io say, witness, that the donkey- was. stolen ..from the: gate ?" . meaifto say,;; sir,'' giving the judge and - ju'ryv'ajsly:look;-,at' : .the. same timo pointing to' the'-counsel,/'the ass:.was.Missing." ■■ : HOW, HE ATOULD.MANAGE, • "Patrick'," said' 4lie' -Moloney";. t6lls:irie' you have-stolen one' of her .finest jigs./. Is- tbat!sq?".-..- <• •• ■ <"Yes;' i horioftfeVv *•• /, ■'■. '- / "\\Hiat: have; you-.doner: with'it'?!' .. ... "Killed it; and' a'to-.it;, yer* honour." "Oh;'/Pat-rick : , when'.you ,arc brought face 40-'facp- with the iwidow . arid her pig on - the 'judgmehfc'day,\wb^a<^nrifr ( 'will®Qtt be.-able ,-t-o-, give-' ofyourself-" wheii '..the,; widow. accuses ■you' T '■ 4 "Did 'you say ': the 1 pig-, .would; be there, yer ,riverence?" , ■■'> /> "To.'be sure; I did."■...'; "Well,. thin/yernriyerence; 1-11' say, 'Mrs. Moloney, there's your pig.'." . EMBARASSIXG TO A MODEST MAN; In misery most dcep am l'immersed'■ I'm saturated so with'.Shakespeare's wine, I really cannot tell—and hence aril cursed—. Which thoughts are. gentlo'Will's; and which ■ are mine. ' : ■•-/•, • —John Kendrick Bangs.

caught! : She was.a pretty girl, and sho blushed, a little as she stepped into the editors'room. "I suppose you-don't care.for poetry here, do you?" ■ ■ ' ' "No," said the-editor,, diplomatically, "I can't say we do." •• " " ' ' "I. thought as much from .the verse you publish," she rejoined. And then she.was, gone.;.'. ; ' IN'DOUBT. Ethel: "Oh, Jack, have you seen father?" Jack: "Yes, I have come straight hero from his ollice." ■ Ethel: "And did he give his consent?" . Jack: "1 couldn't quite mako out. :He seemed disinclined to commit himself' definitely."; ... ' ; • ' Ethel: "Why, what did he say?" '• Jack: "He didn't say anything at all." Ethel: "Did you ask him?" v Jack: "I said, 'Sir, I .wish to marry your daughter. Have I your consent ?' and he' turned and looked at me a. mifftite; then he began to grow red: in thefacts, and then he grabbed me and threw, me oyer the'banisters,.and before I could ask him; again he had slammed the door and-locked it'."■

, AN over worked elocutionist. Once .there' was a' little, boy, - whose 1 baine was Robert Reeco; ■ , • : . - ; And every Friday, afternoon ho had to 6peak .1' piece. • Sn many poems thus he'learned, that soon-hs had, a 'Store • Y '.. Of recitations in his head, ' and etill kept learning more. • And now this . is- .what happened; ,\He, ,wa» called upon, one week, • ' V-' And totally, forgot the piece Ihe .'^as'about to speak !■• ■ : : r His -brain he cudgelled. Not'a-Vofd: remained within 'his :head! : '•• v ■ - , And' so: he spoke at'-random,''-and''this' is' : what . he'.said :. . • ... -. ... "My Beautiful, my .Beautiful,••who standest proudly by,' • ■"■•/ . ... It was'' the; 'schooner - breaking ' waves dashtd-high!.|,v Why' is: thei Forum'crowded ?i-;.,What -means this shr in.Rome?, Under a spreading chestnut' tree there " : is' no place like home! ■'•. • • .... "When Freedom from her mountain-.height cried,•; Twinkle, little,.■stir, , . i' Shoot if you must! this {old gray. head;i King Henry.of Navarre! . ..., Roll on.,thou; deep; and, dark-blue, castled crag ■ of Drachenfels;'.', -- My..'name is' -Norvai', otf the' Grampian: Hills. • ! -rings" out, wild bells! - ' "If you're-waking, .call;me early, fo 1 he or-not to be, ~ ".. .' -. The curfew •; must; not. ring ', to-night!''. Oh, ;. : woodman, spare that 'tree!' K,y'- . Charge. Chester,' charge.!'' 1 Oni. : Stah]eyj ,'onl ;' And let who will be.'clever!' The boy stood on the , burning. deck, but-* I go on for', ever!" ' . His elocution , was superb/ his voice , aud gestures, fine;-' ■: His schoolmates all' applauded ,as he, finished the last line.. '. i "I see' it-doesn't ,matter," Robert -thought. what- words I siv, ... ;. So long as'l declaim with oratorical 'display !*- —Larolyn • Wells, in' ■" PUTTING; IT PLEASANTLY. ' A'.: "I trust we shall see a great'deal of your friend when lie'comcsQo town. My daughter will bo back from 'the country by the, time ho comes. Sho s a wonderful pianist, you know:'' 1 ■ y .Mr: B.:' "Oh, my friend won't mmd that, He is as deaf, as'a; post. '.- WORTH REMEMBERING'. . ,; C"'' Judge: "You have already been punished many,,many, times I'see'." ~ '• . Accused (modestly)" Yes,'-my.': lord; \bfcf please don't forget' that' I Have also Been several times-acquitted,',' . ■ WHEN"t6, DINE.. "v • -J.- C'* "When dine?" sftme' fellow-asked-Diogenes, so runs the'fable: .'--l - "It-rich," he answered, ''when.-you likejj' ' If needy, when you're able."- . • - ■<