WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Cromwell Argus, Volume L, Issue 2650, 8 December 1919, Page 7

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

The sailor, had just told the old lady in the train what his share of the great war was. '-'ln a submarine !" she exclaimed. "How nice ! And what do you do ?" "Well, mum, I runs for'ard and tips her up when we want to dive !"

Customer : "By Jove, I am glad to sec you back. Has the strike been settled ?"

Waiter : "What strike, sir ?"~" Customer : "Oh, come now ! Where have you been since you took my order ?"-

Mary ' "Why do you always buy two kinds of notepaper ?"

Jane : "Well, when I write to Jack I use red paper—that means love ; and when I write to george I use blue paper—which means faithful and true."

The thinnest man in the world was arguing with the man of the mighty fist as to who was the greatest "draw" in the theatrical—or, rather, circus—world.

He of the mighty fist listened patiently to the thin man's tale of triumphs, and then burst out : "See these fists ? Why, the other day I took a brick in either hand, gave a squeeze, and —dust ! Then I went through a forest, pulled up a tree with my right hand and one with my left, squeezed them together and, tTehold—sawdust !"

The thin man wasn't impressed. "Then," went on the man with the fists, desperately, "I went into a field, picked up a bull in either hand, squeezed 'cm together, and, hey presto —beef tea !"

A rather choleric golfer went out to play for a second time on a cer 1 tain course. Evidently his fame had preceded him, for at the drive-off he found an interested audience of local youngsters. • "What's this ?" demanded the choleric one, gazing at the assembly. "What do you want?" "Nothin"," was the non-committal rejoinder of the leader of the bunch. "Then clear off, every one of you !" exclaimed the player. "There isn't anything here for you to watch !"

"We didn't come to watch," returned the youngsters, without attempting to move on. "We came to listen."

A missioner was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the "pillars" of the church to which she belonged. As he looked upon, her sweet, placid, countenance, bearing few tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was moved to ask her : "My good woman, what has been the chief source of your strength and sustenance during .all these years—the real basis of your unusual vigour of mind and body ?" The old lady thought' a moment ; then, lifting her eyes, dim with age, yet kindling with sweet memories ■■ of the past, answered : "Why, breakfast and dinner and tea !"

TALKED TOO MUCH. An amusing instance occurred the other day of the ease with which one may get into trouble by having too much to say. A rent-collector had been waylaid, stunned by a blow on the head, and robbed. Ultimately a young fellow was arrested and charged with the crime. He stoutly maintained his innocence.

Despite the efforts of his counsel to keep him quiets prisoner continually interrupted while the prosecutor '.was giving evidence.! "How much do you say there was in the bag ?" prosecutor was ask<sd. "I'm not quiite sure," was the reply ; "but I should say there Would be over seventeen pounds." "That's another lie," blurted out the prisoner. "There wasn't sixteen !"

It is not surprising that the verdict went against him.

A little vinegar added to water in which bacon, or ham is boiled improves the flavour.

AS INSTRUCTED.

A firm of accountants engaged, a youth, a veritable schoolboy, as of-fice-boy. This youth had, as part of his duties, to keep the postage and petty cash-book. One day he had to pay the street-portecr sixpence fpr carrying some books into the office. The same day the cashier, on looking over the boy's cash-book, found the entry, "Poirter, Gd." "Now, John, when iron have a similar entry to put through your book you must put it this \tfay, 'Porterage, 6d.' Will you remcml »er that?" said the cashier. "Yes, sir," replied the boy.

A few days afterw: jrds the cashier, while again examining the book, found the strange <mtry, "Cabbage, Is." "I've noticed," ssid Anna, "that it is the big men u'ho are the most demonstrative in tbieir love-making." "Perhaps," remarked Alice; "but, after all, a girl should xiever judge a lover by his sighs." Medical Officer : f'Hal.'e you any organic trouble ?" Recruit: "No, sir., I ain't a bit musical." A policeman, whose evidence was being taken on Commit on, deposed: "Tlv; prisor/er sat upo a me, calling me an ass, a scarecrow, »a ragamuffin, and an idiot/' and, th, is being the conclusion of his deposit ons,. his signature v/as preceded by the formal ending : "AH G f which I swear is true." Officer : "Conscientious c 'b lections ! Rubbish ! If you were iio t omc home and find your wife lighting , a burglcr, wouldn't you interfere t" "No, sir ! I'd leave fche In 'rglar to his fate." A joke is like a nee Rankle ; ,it has to be seen ,to be appreciated,