WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Cromwell Argus, Volume L, Issue 2644, 13 October 1919, Page 7

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

SHE LOST IT. Biddy Malone loft the Ould Country full of joy, but imagine her consternation when, on arriving on the other side, she found that she had lost her Certificate of Character. Great was her relief when an Irish fellow-passenger agreed to write another one for her. This is what he wrote : “This is to certify that Biddy Malone had a. good character when she left the Ould Country, but she lost it coming over.’’ DON’T HURRY ! The telephone bell rang with anxious persistence. The doctor answered the call. “Yes ?” he said. “Oh, doctor,’’ said a worried voice, “something seems to have happened to my wife. Her mouth seems set, and she can’t say a word.’’ “Why, she may have lockjaw,” said the medical man. “Do you think so ? Well, if you are up this way some time next week I wish you would st'fep in and see what you can do for her.” FULL UP INSIDE. By one of those strange chances one of the lady passengers inside the motor-’bus seemed to be carrying infants, one or two of whom were fractious.

At one stopping place the harrassed conductor was faced by two more ladies, each of whom carried the inevitable baby. But patience, though a virtue, has its limits. “Room on top, ma’am,” he said sternly, as he held out a. detaining arm. “The incubator’s full. AT LAST. The nice young man, opening up a conversation with the lady ok his affections ; “I made a perfect fool of myself to-day ! ’ ’ “There ! I knew you would make something of yourself, if you only tried long enough !” was the startling response. SOME PLAYER ! Two golfers were discussing the merits of a lady member, and the one asked his friend how she played with him the other day. “Oh, not bad !” was the answer. “She went round jn about a hundred strokes, and only two thousand words !” A SCANTY MEAL. In a certain hospital the patients were very badly fed, and looked forward to an inspection, when they could lodge a complaint. When one day the inspecting-ofiicer came round, one Tommy was determined not to miss this opportunity. “What’s your complaint ?” asked the officer. “Trench fever.”

“Oh ! And what is the diet ?” continued the officer solicitously. “Two sucks at the theme meter daily !” was the answer. THE TRUTH, j Her Brother (wonderingly): “I I thought you were a great deal big- | ger than you are.’’ j The Hopeful One : “What gave you | such an idea ?” i “Why, sister said that all you did | was to take up room.” 1 THE OLD TALE. I Old Blore grew reminiscent. “You may not believe me,” he | rumbled on, “but many’s the good story I've told under that old tree out there.” “I can Quito believe you,” commented his long-enduring friend. “I noticed when I saw it that the tree was a chestnut.” “Was your wife angry when you got home so late last night ?” “Angry ! Why, she pelted me with flowers !” “But how did you get that black eye ?” “Well, she neglected to take the flowers’ out of the pots before she threw them.” A MATTER OF MAKE. “Yes,” said the American, recounting his battle adventures to an admiring listener, standing open-mouth-ed before him, “a Boche shall came along and hit me in the neck !” “And you are alive now ?” gasped the listener. “Yep,” replied the American. “You see, stranger, the shell was made in Germany, but my little ole collarstud was made in the U.S.A. And I guess the squib subsided. It was some stud !”

Beggar : “Please, sir, I've a sick wife. Could you help me out ?” Passer-by : “I can give you a Job next week.’’ j Beggar : “Too late ! She’ll be able j to go to work herself by then.” j “Do you know, I always feel sad j at weddings ?” j “Well, they are generally occasions | for miss-giving, aren’t they ?” | Pie : “Among Quakers, I believe I men wear 1 their hats in church,” She ; “Plow stupid ! As if anyone could possibly be interested in men’s hats ! ” He ; “Darling you’re looking prettier every day.” She : “Then why do you want to marry me so soon ? Why not wait ?” The President of the United States has no official flag, but as; Comman-der-in-chief of the army and navy his presence is notified by distinct standards. The army flag is red, and bears in the centre the official coat of arms of the United Stales. Bearing the same coat of arms and somewhat similar, except in colour* —blue —is the navy flag. “I can marry any woman' I please.’ “Then 1 conclude you luaven’t pleased any yet.” ... 21’87.