WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Cromwell Argus, Volume L, Issue 2641, 22 September 1919, Page 2

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

"Why is Adeline so angry with the photographer ?" "She found a label on the back of her picture saying, The original of this photograph is carefully preserved.' " "And so you are the noble fellow who rescued my wife at the risk of your life ?" said Mr. Tightest. "Take this shilling, my brave fellow, as an expression of my thankfulness." The Hero : "All right, guv'nor, thank ye," and then he added, softly : "You know better'n I do .what | your old girl's worth." Sufferer : "I have a terrible toothache, and want something to cure it.' Friend : "Now, you don't need any medicine. I had toothache yesterday and I went home, and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that the pain soon passed away. Why don't you try the same ?" Sufferer : "I think I will. Is your wife at home now ?" He : "We'll have to give up our intended summer trip. My account at the bank is already overdrawn." She : "Oh, John, you are such a wretched financier ! Why don't you keep your account in a bank that has plsnty of money ?" The world-famous editor was dying but when the doctor bent over, placed his ear to his breast, and said : "Poor man ! circulation almost gone !" the dying editor sat up, shouted, "You're a liar ; we have the largest circulation in the country !" and got out of bed and wrote a leader on the malice of unsuccessful rivals. An.allotment-holder was busy cultivating his plot. He had been digging for about an hour, when his spade turned up a threepenny-bit. Ten minutes later he found a sixpence ; then he found a shilling; then he found a florin. "By Jove, he said, "I've struck a silver mine !" And, straightening up he felt something slide down his leg. Another shilling lay at his feet. He grasped the truth. There was a hole in his pocket. A battalion was being instructed on "How to take a convoy through open country"." One company was told off to represent a convoy, the men being told that they were to represent horses, cows, and waggons. After a short halt the advance was given, and the convoy moved on. One man, however, continued to lie down, and the major, galloping up to him, said : "Here—-you—why don't you advance ?"

"I can't, sir." | "You can't ? What do you mean ?' "I'm a waggon," was the reply, "and I've got a wheel off !" After two years in the mud and trenches of Flanders Private Thomas Atkins obtained leave, and made what he conceived to be the best use of his holiday by getting married. On the journey back, at Southampton, he showed to the inspector his marriage certificate in mistake for his return railway pass. The official, who chanced to be a Scot, studied it carefully, and then said : "J3h, mon, you've got a ticket for a lang wearisome journey, but no on the Sou oh-Western Railway." The millionaire, whose wife had recently died, walked through the general office to his private room. While so doing something caught his eye, and he called the manager. "Wilson, I am very glad to see you sympathise with me in my recent loss by decorating the office with a little crape," he said, pointing in the direction of a black piece of cloth hanging on the wall. The manager looked dumbfounded. "Crape, sir ! Crape ! That's not crape ; it's the office-boy's towel." TAKING PRECAUTIONS. Into the village post-office there went a bright-faced youngster clad in his best clothes. He carefully deposited in front of the postmistress a big slice of iced cake. "This is with the bride's compliments," he said, "and my sister asks you please to eat as much of it as you can." The postmistress smiled delightedly. "That was awfully sweet of your sister," she said. "I suppose she knew of my weakness for wedding: cake." "Sure," said the youngster, "and she thought she'd send over a bite of it this afternoon just to take the edge off your appetite before she posted any boxes to her friends."

THE SECOND BARREL,. An Englishman who stopped over night at a Western American hostelry noticed that'instead of ringing a bell, or sounding a gong, at mealtimes, the proprietor went to the front door and fired a double-barrel-led shot-gun. Later in the evening the traveller commented on this> strange procedure. "That's a novel idea of yours," he smilingly remarked to the proprietor, "calling your guests by firing a gun." "Yaas," drawled the proprietor, "it ginerally fetches 'em round in time to say grace." "Yes," admitted the Englishman. "But, pardon the question, why do you discharge only one barrel ?" "Wouldn't do to shoot 'em both," answered the proprietor. "Have to keep t'other barrel to collect pay for the meals and lodgings !" A farmer's wife, hurrying from milking the cows to the kitchen, from the kitchen to the churn, from the churn to the woodshed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted to use her vote. "No, I certainly do not. If there's one little ; thing that the naen-folks can do alone, for goodness' sake let 'am do it."