WHY CRIPPS SUFFERED.

Cromwell Argus, Volume XXXVII, Issue 1987, 7 May 1906, Page 2

WHY CRIPPS SUFFERED.

“Why, Cripps, what on earth is bh« matter ? ” exclaimed Bodley, as he met hint in the street. Mr. Cripps presented the appearance of s man who had undertaken to engage in i prize tight, and had thrown up the spong* at the end of the 0,487 th round. He was it a general condition of bang and bung anc batter. “ Matter!” replied Mr. Cripp®. “Whati the matter with mt? You wait until I meel the manufacturer of Butterwick’s Oleaginoui Scalp Balsam and Nourisher for the Hair and I’ll inform him what’s the matter with me. ” “ Had a tight with him—eh?” “ No, sir. I believed in him, that’s all Believed the lies he published in the papers And he's not the only one. There s a whoh lot of others just as bad. Why, you know that my hair began to come out, and Butterwick’s advertisement induced me tt buy four bottles of his Oleaginoui Nourisher. The Hist bottle rooted the hail out by the handful. By the time I go! through with the fourth bottle I was bald ai a watermelon, and my head, which wat swelled up to the size of a beer keg, was red as tire and all covered with lumps as large a; door-knobs. And just when I was at th« worst Butterwick sent an agent around t< get me to give him a certificate that thi Oleaginous Nourisher was what it ie repre seated to be.” “ Y T ou refused, of course !” “ I tried to brain the agent with the fourth bottle, but it missed him. Justal the time when I began with Buttei wick’a poison I undertook to use Jarvors’ Balm oi Indiana Dentifrice to cure soreness of m 3 mouth. I don’t want to speak harshly ol Jarvers, but if I ever encounter him I wil explain my views to him with a club. Look at inj r mouth, only three teeth left ! Cone, sir, gone ! Jarvers’ Balm of Indiana swooped ’em out just as a tiftcen-mch ball goes througl) a row of ten pins. If you ever want to get rid of a tooth, don’t have it pulled. Touch it with the cork or the butt-end ol one of Jarvers’ bottles, and it will fly out ol your mouth as if your jaw was loaded with blasting powder.” “ Is that what blistered your cheeks so?’ “Ob no. That was done by Dr. Hoover’s Elixir for the beard. You know I never had any beard worth speaking of, and so I thought I would stimulate its growth with Hoover’s Elixer, which was warranted under a penalty of five hundred dollars, to produce board and moustache on the smoothest face within six weeks. I first tried for a moustache, but the only effect was to make my upper lip stand out like a front-door step, and when I applied the elixir to my cheeks, they puffed out so that they buried my ears. As the beard has nob grown, 1 have written to Dr. Hoover to claim the five hundred dollars, and if it don’t come in I’m going bo sue Hoover for it.” “ But that is not what makes you lame, is it?” “ Wicherby’s Wizard’s Sure Cure for Rheumatism is responsible for that. 1 had rheumatism in my knee-cap, and I applied six- bottles of the Sure Cure without any result. Wicherby encouraged me to continue, and before I was half through the eighth bottle I had rheumatism in both legs, in the small of my back, in my chest, in my left shoulder, and in both elbows. I began to have occasional twinges in 1113' neck. One more bottle of Wicherby’s Sure Cure would have made me ache out loud, so’s you could have actually heard that rheumatism for half a mile o.n a still day.” “Did you complain to Wicherby?” “ No ; he left town for the summer. Cone to the While Mountains. But I have engaged an energetic and experienced murderer to up there after him with a shot-gun ; and il you see in the papers that Wicherby, the Sure Cure man, has been assassinated, you will understand that I’ve got even with him. And now 1 must say good morning. l‘ii going down bo take out a warrant for a mar who sold me a liverpad filled with sawdust Billerton is his name. I’*n going to take th< law on him !” And then Mr. Cripps hobbled oft dowi the street, looking like a complete ruin.— Max Adder,

Wife: “I saw the loveliest lace spreads to-day, only 2.50 dole., and 1 wanted them awfully, but I knew you wished to economise, and so I didn’t get them.” Husband: “That’s too bad, my dear; you should have got them. Anything which adds to your happiness and brings gladness to your eyes, anything which lightens your domestic cares and gilds the lowering clouds, anything which box’ders with sweet flowers the thorny paths of duty and appeals pleasantly to your aesthetic nature, making life worth living, home a paradise, you are welcome, doubly welcome to, my angel, if it doesn’t cost more than 2.50 dols.” j | |

“I like that young Hicks,” said Ethel’s father. “ He’s the kind of man that doesn t know more than I do.” “ Yes,” returned Ethel’s mother. “But do you think a young man who knows as little as that will get on in the world ?” “ So you went to sing in the choir?” “ Yes.” “ What part?” “ Well, I went in as first bass, but they changed it to short stop when they heard my voice.” There Was. “I thought I heard a sound as of heavy firing, ” remarked the occupant of room No. 1,634, stepping out into the corridor. “That’s exactly what you did hear,” replied the janitor. “I have just been kicking a 200 pound loafer down the stairway. Cost of Discomfort. “What makes a man look so much like a martyr when ho has his photograph taken?” “How can ho help it? The artist makes him foci like an idiot and then expects him to pay for it He’s Still Explaining;. Mrs. Youngling—John, do j T ou suppose you can hear the baby from where you are if ho wakes up and cries? John (who is reading the newspaper) —I duuno. I hope not. er. Field Observation*. “You’re cutting a pretty wide swath,” said the rake. “Yes,” responded the scythe with a sigh, “but it goes against the grain.” Foints of Resemblance. “These photographs are hideous, They are just like you.” “No, they must be like you. They don’t flatter. ’ Business Item. “These now all wool dresses almost sell themselves.” “They come nearer giving themselves away. ’