In Lighter Vein.

Cromwell Argus, Volume XXVII, Issue 1375, 3 September 1895, Page 7

In Lighter Vein.

Mr. and Mrs. Billiger M'Swat Swear OS. “Lobelia, my love, another long and delightful evening is before us.” The young husband was arrayed in a dressing gown of gorgeous, variegated and dazzling complexion. He rat in a luxurious armchair and rested bis tired feet on the soft plush cushions of two other chairs. In hia hand be held a magazine of large print, which he was trying laboriously to read with the aid of an eye-glass he had purchased under the deep and solemn conviction that his position in society required him to use something of the kind. “ Is there anything else I can do for your comfort, Billiger?” tenderly inquired th« young wife. “ I think not, Lobelia,” he replied, after considering a few minutes; •' though if you will kindly open that package of ‘Lone Jack’ and put the smoking set within reach I shall be obliged.” Mrs. M‘Swat did so, and with her own fait hands she filled his new meerschaum, whose bowl was already taking on a brownish tinge that gave promise of richer and grander results in the happy future. “You don’t know, Lobelia (puff), how gratefully I (puff) appreciate your (puff) kindness in interposing no objection to my indulgence in (puff, puff) this habit. Hard as would have been the sacrifice, Lobelia, I (puff) would have quit it cheerfully—that is to say (puff), with comparative cheerfulness, if you had exacted it.” “ How could I have asked you to quit smoking, Billiger,” replied the young wife, “ when you have never made the least objection to my chewing gum ?” Mr. MoSwat laid the pipe down and looked at her in astonishment. “Do yoUiChew gum, Lobelia?” he said. “ I never suspected it,” “I—l confess that I do sometimes, Billiger.” “ Mrs. MoSwat,” he • said severely, “ have you any idea of the consequences of inveterate gum chewing ? Do you know anything of the inconceivably vile materials of which the stuff is made ?" “ It can’t be any worse, Mr. M'Swat, than the poisonous, filthy, reeking fumes of that dirty old pipe you are r “Lobelia M'Swat, have a care I Dcn’t provoke me too far, or ” " Billiger M'Swat, do you dare to threaten me? Don’t glare and squint at me through that eye-glass till you know how to use it. You are ” “ Lobjlia 1” exclaimed the young husband, pale with conflicting emotions, “ you have spoken sneeringly of this meerschaum. It cost me a pound. But let that pass; I can bear it. To think, though, that the woman I have vowed to love and cherish ” (and his voice faltered), “ upon whom I have poured out the treasure of a heart’s richest affection is a g-gum ohew-chewer! Oh, oh, Lo-be-belial” “B-Billiger?” sobbed Lobelia, “I’ll qu quit oh-ohewing if you’ll quit smoking 1" “ I’ll do it, my love 1” he exclaimed. His brow aflame with a lofty and noble resolve, Billiger wrapped his smoking set, with pipe, tobacco and all, in a paper, and threw the package to the remotest depths of a dark and gloomy attic on the topmost floor, while Lobelia gathered up all her wads of gum from their various hiding places, rolled them into a compact bundle, and threw them into the attic likewise. “ With these slight sacrifices, Lobelia,” said Billiger, tenderly, “we propitiate the good angels of domestic bliss and banish forever the demon of discord from hearthstone I” • • • • • Forty-eight hours had passed—fortyeight short, happy hours. Night had come again. Billiger was in that attic. He bad sneaked into it and fumbled noiselessly about for something. In the dark his hand came in contact with a shoe, and he grasped it. It had a foot in it. There was a faint scream. “ Mrs. M'Swat, is that you ?” “ Mr. M'Swat, it is.” “ What in the world are you doing here, madam ?” “ Sir, I am looking for my gum. What are you doing here?” “ Madam, I am hunting for my pipe.” Of Great Capacity. Mrs. Hobson: “Your husband is very fond of fox-hunting, ia he not, Mrs. Vancouver?” Mrs. Vancouver: “Yes, indeed; very.” Mrs. Hobson: “ How bars can he take?” Mrs. Vancouver; “I don’t know exactly ; but I have beard it said that his capacity at bars is very great.” A Chronic Affliction. ** Good gracious, old man 1 What ails you 7” “ ’Tis an intermittent fever. I have it every month.” “ Dear me I And how long does it last you?” “ Oh, five or six weeks.” A Humorist. “A dog is a natural humorist, isn’t be T" said a travelling man to a friend. “ A humorist?” “ Yes,” “I don’t quite see it. “He ia much a waggish creature.” Equal to the Emergency. In her cosy little chamber, with her feet upon tin. fender, She was reading Walter Scott, the while her husband, young and tender, Wore a smile upon his lips that neither tongue nor pen could render. “ Not one person out of twenty with the first fond lover marries.” So she reads, and o’er the sentence for a passing moment tarries, While her question, with a subtle subteifugs, he quickly parries. “ Was your ardent protestations unto me join first cenfession ?” And, “Was your beloved letter your initaial concession?” “Well, I married my first love, providing yon did,” she said, faintly. “If you didn’t—why —I didn’t,” with a smile serene and saintly. Thus, by woman’s wit, the quarrel was averted very , • ’