VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume IV, Issue 194, 29 July 1873, Page 7

VARIETIES.

Some descendant of Solomon has wisely remarked that those who go to law for damages are sure to get them. Anna Dickenson's last lecture is entitled " Things Hoped For." Her American critic explains that she doesn't mean husbands. They are a thing she has long ceased to hope for. A minister asked a tipsy fellow, leaning up against a fen:e, where he expected to go when' he died. "if I can't get along any better than I do now," he said, " I shan't go anywhere." An Alabama paper publishes the following notice:— " Married, at Flintstone, by the llev. Mr Windstone, Mr Nehemiah Sandstone and Miss Wilhelmina Egglestone, both of Limestone." An Irishman, leaning against a lamp-post as a funeral was going by, was asked who was dead. "I can't exactly say, s i r ," he replied, " but I presume it's the jintleman in the coffin." The chap who could do all the business he wanted to without advertising has been compelled to advertise at last. The new advertisement is headed "Sheriff's Kale."— American Pettier.

\ countryman, who had never paid more than 20 cents to see an exhibition, went to a New York theatre to see "The Forty Thieves." The ticket-seller charged him 75 cents for a ticket. Passing the pasteboard back, he quietly remarked, " Keep it, mister, I don't want to see the other thirty-nine." And out he inarched.

" Madam," said a lodger to his landlady, " I am very sure that pepper is half peas."— " Peas," cried the lady, " peas, indeed ! That pepper 'is some of the very best. You don't know anything about pepper, sir, if you say there's pe 13 in that."—"For all that, madam," said the lodger, " I'm sure that pepper is half peas—-p-e-p-p-e-r six letters, and three of them p's !" life's tkoubles. How many sick men wish they were healthy ; How many beggar men wish thev were wealthy ; How many ugly ones wish they were pretty ; How many stupid ones wish they were witty ; How many bachelors wish they were married ; Plow many bene licts wish they had tarried ; Single or double, life's full of trouble ; Niches are stubble, pleasure's a bubble. Some queer scenes ensue in Wyoming, where the women vote, serve on juries, &c, like their lords and masters. .Recently six married ladies and as 'many gentlemen were empannelled upon a murder case there, and it became necessary to lock them up all night, Three of the husbands stormed and laved at the judge, and half-a-dozen children made the Court-house ring with their cries ; but the Judge was inexorable, and put them under lock and kev.

A tall and ugly woman recently tendered to a clerk of the San Francisco Post-office ninety-nine coppers, for which she demanded thirty-three stamps. Being told that she could only legally tender four coppers, she began to | ace'the corridor in great wrath, calling occasionally at the window until she had made thirty-three separate tenders of the coppers, and had received, thirty-three stamps. She may have been tall and ugly, but she was also beautifully sharp. An old fellow who is noted through the town for his stuttering as well as his shrewdness in making a bargain, stopped at one of the markets this morning ami inquired, "How m-m-many t-t-turkeys have you got?" "Eight, sir," replied the huckster. " T-t-tough or t-t-tender ?" " Some are tender and some are rongh," was the reply. "I keep b-b-boarders," said the new customer ; " p-pick out the f-four t-t-toughesfc t-t-turkeys, if you please." The delighted huckster very willinuly complied with the unusual request, and said, in his politest tone, "These are the tough ones, sir." Upon which the old boy coolly put his hand on the remaining four, and exclaimed, " 111 Wake tt-these."—Ameri-can Paper.

Settling a Doctor's Biil in Texas.—ln Texas, the other day, a doctor rode fifty miles to attend a p tient. When lie had cured the patient, he presented a hill for 50 dollars, and. proceeded to complete his preparations for his back journey, thinking no more about the matter. As he was about to mount, the patient's husband put in an appearance, with his trusty rifle in his hand. " Doctor," said he, " I reckon we'd better settle this here matter now. You wasn't agoin' off without a settlement, was you? I don't want to owe no man nothin'. Here's a ten, which I reckon is about the squar' thing. Now, if you ain't .satisfied, jest get your weepon on and come aound behind the hi 1 thar, so's the old woman won't bo riled up, and we'll settle it. I don't want no man to go 'way from my house dissatisfied, 'specially you, Doc. !" Louisville Journal.