A CHAPTER ON KNOCKS.

Clutha Leader, Volume VI, Issue 339, 9 April 1880, Page 3

A CHAPTER ON KNOCKS.

[By J. D. M.]

Mr Moore, having been requested to publish the following MSS (which was read by him at the Catlins Harvest Home Entertainment), has placed it at our disposal. Not the knocks which create contusions or facial disfigurements resulting- in war-paint, but the knock at your door. Those only, whose doors possess the appendage of a knocker will appreciate my remarks. Knuckle-rapping on the panel is expressive of nothing else but pain to the rapper — and I have nothing to say about that. ' The latin proverb of " Est modus in rebus" tells us there is a medium in all things, and, to be liberal, we maintain there is a medium even in a street-door-knocker. Knockers are at a discount in this Colony ; at Home, a door without a knocker is about aa unusual as a man without a nose. And such knockers as they are too ! Kept scrupulously clean and well oiled, their manipulation is a real pleasure— not easy of acquisition, but only the result of long practice. As a man may be known by his manner, so equally may a man be known by his knock. Those of you, who will take the trouble to study human nature through the medium of a door-knocker, will find that the knock ." : oft proclaims the man/ even as his character is implied by the choice of his companions, or by the style of his dress or his wife. The real gentleman of frank and manly bearing, who is what he seems to be — A sensible honourable man, announces himself at the Frontier by ah easy unconstrained hearty self-satisfied happy Rat-tat-tat. If you are sitting at your fireside in a drowsy" after-dinner-kind of stupor— the ; knock electrifies you; and permeates right through your constitution, and sends the blood dancing

through your veins at the rate of knots A galvanic shock can never do youas much good. The knock exactly implies your visitor, and you are glad to meet him, and await his entry with an amount of expectancy which begets real pleasure. The man who knocks at your door thu9, is a gentleman, who will grip you by the hand, and when he says " I'm glad to see 1 you, old fellow!" you may believe him, (which is saying much)., This knock, to an unexpert, may appear closely allied to the knock of; your quondam (with a stress on the last syllable) friend, the assurance agent, who presumes on an obsolete friendship, to knock at your door and enquire after your health, and a halfsovereign. But to the skilled ear there, is a difference as apparent as the clankof a bad coin to the ring of a good one.' The one no more resembles the other than cheese, vinegar, and imagination resembles dressed crab, It is a counterfeit, but a fraud. The gen-vine embodiment is wanting. I guarantee to tell an assurance agent's knock from all others. . Itis loud and -rhyrnical, and. rendered with the. cool assumption of unmitigated impudence, and of imperturbable effrontery. So far as the.execution of the knock goes, it is.perfect in its way— the time is good but thetone is bad. .Then again, who dots not know the Dun's knock? Poor Dv Pangloss, L.L.D. and A.S.S., gives a pithy and feeling description of it in the play of the " Heir-at-Law," and I, am persuaded many others could equally well describe-it if they liked to do so ; at least, I can, and will. Usually 'tis a wretched uncomfortable knock given with much hesitation and trepidation, as if fearful of the consequences of its announcement It bespeaks the Dun, and if your pockets are empty, and a writ is hanging over your head, the Lord keep you ! for it is then the most horrible sound that can irritate the drum of your ear. Usually it is as weak as workhouse gruel. Its bass is necessity, its treble humility, its tenor tenacity, and its alto importunity. The symphony of the chord is all embodied in the one elongated and eloquent knock on your door. The peculiar ingredients of that knock are all plainly audible to the attended ear. It is always a single knock, but frequently repeated at intervals, and is the most expressive single knock there is. "It seems to kaock you all of a heap like, or into a cocked hat !" said an acquaintance of mine, to whom the knock was as familiar as household words. Again, there is the clerical knock, the deep intonation of which is unmistakeable. If it announces a High Church curate, then it is a full choral knock of solemn cadence and meapured .time, with little grace notes of ritualistic significance. If the Low Church then it is as plein and measured as a coffin, and suggests a host of Puritans. The knock of the Presbyterian parson is peculiar, and does not sound unlike a challenge. The one vibration which spoils the harmony of the chord is dogmatism. The knock of the medico is also peculiar to the profession. It is hastily given and precisely, even as he uses his lance. Frequently if. is a very prolonged knock, this idiosyncrasy being in uniformity with the bill at the end of the quarter. Then there is another knock, of which the wife only is cognisant. It is such a comical, such a peculiar knock, that I have left it until the last. ; It never occurs during ordinary hours, for it is an extraordinary knock. 'It is in fact a nocturnal knock. Usually it is the sequel of the well known song, " We won't go home till morning." Heard indoors, this knock is peculiar, inasmuch. as there is always a preliminary rumbling about the hinges of the knocker, as if somebody outside was shaking hands with it, which is sometimes the case. At other times, sundry and: severs tugs at the knocker, act as a prelude to the play. These ■ tugs suggest that someone is holding on, which is also sometimes the case ; indeed, I may say, is frequently the case. And then, when the knock; does come ! it is the most erratic knock in all the knockable vocabulary. You can tell by its vibration that, the acting agent is drunk, although he wishes to imply ultra 1 sobriety. The wife well knows this knock.: Bile, or congestion of the liver generally follows a regular course of these knocks. We must not forget I to mention in conclusion the knock of that hard-featured-ink-bottle-on-two-legs, the tax collector. His is a cold remorseless 'c'yni&J supercilious knock* its very heartlessness being its prominent characteristic. You do not require to ask who it is that's knocking. "It is such a noxious knock, that it makes one knqSk-kneed to think of it. We will therefore dismiss this knock, as we 'would the tax collector, if we. could— summarily. Lastly there is the " knock-off." It is about time ; I gaye fv ai practical "definition of this knock ,w;hich I do now.,