Storyology.

Clutha Leader, Volume III, Issue 126, 8 December 1876, Page 7

Storyology.

BROWN'S BLUNDER. By Judge Clarke. My name is— no, I won't tell it; it isn't NoTval, at any rate. Let us call me Brown, for convenience. I had studied law in the country, and opened an office in the city—that is, I had that sort of interest in one, a technically called " desk-room," which '.- may be defined to be the privilege of setting up one's legal work-bench in a corner, with a right-of-way to and from the same for -self and clients-^a right, the latter branch whereof, in my case, ;| bade fair to lapse by non-usage. My clients were.few, and mostly impeeuious. Their cases had more law ' than money in them, but served to bring *ne into cOtirt once in a while, and didn't I improve the occasion 'then? [ T)aniel Webster, with a big retainer in •his pocket, never spread himself on a 'constitutional question, as I have on a ; -five-dollar case, in justice's court, for a ■two-dollar fee contingent. The*balance of trade was against me, ; and 'finances were in a state of chronic -contraction. I iept a tolerable -stiff ; upper*Jip, though. When I -wrote \^irae>'l spoke assuringly of my rising *\ Yctice ; and in my letters to Sophy : Blake, would complain of being over'rtin with work. Sophy was a semi-sweetheart of mine. We had known eaoh' other from child•hood.and when we didn't quarrel, were the best of friends. Who knows what "might have been if-^but I won't anticipate. A note through the post-office in--formed me' one day that Sophia and her -aunt were on a visit to the city, and stopping at the — — hotel, where they •would be glad to see me. -Of course, I went. It was clear in the evening, but Sophy had already got } her best bib and tucker on, as if to go out. *■ Oh Mr Brown I' she cried, when we ■had greeted all around, - I'm so glad to : see you •!' I simpered sislf^corriplacently. * I'm dying to hear Madame Kat'squalli,' continued, ' and was so -afraid you wouldn't come in time '!' Here was a fix to be in-! Katsqualli was -performing high-priced opera before the fashion of the city. The cost ■of a single'ticket was two dollars, which •exactly seized my pile. Of course I ■Gouldn't own to that, after what I had 'written of the extent of my practice. My vanity wouldn't stand it, and on that -rock I split. * T thought I would try a ligh't-*com-tjplexioned lie. \ * I — l don't thick the madame Bings ' I stammered. ' Yes, she does,' said Sophy. '' I've 'read all about it in the papers.' * Wouldn't you rather go to the theatre?' I ventured to hint; 'it's firr f ! more entertaining — and much cheaper,' T added 'mentally. ' Oh ! I must see the opera -!' persisted Sophy j c I've never seen an opera, and I'm fairly dying to see one !' I saw I was in for it. There was no bending Sophy once she got dying for •a thing. There was but one plan visible. For ■my two dollars I could get two tickets to the top tier, and as Sophy had never -seen an opera before, I might persuade 'her that that was the choice part of the 'house. To my great relief Sophy's aunt declined tb go. Had she decided otherwise, my cake would have been dough. ' Shall I call a carriage, or shall we walk ?' I asked, when Sophy was ready. The question, I felt was almost temptingfate. * **The distance i 3 very short,' I jUdded, I went into silent raptures when Sophy preferred to walk. The walk was longer than I had led her to expect ; she stood it without complaint. We reached the end ot it at last ; and having invested my all in a couple of * uppermost seats,' we began our ascent. 'Are we~going into — the steeple V panted Sophy, out of breath, as we entered on the sixth flight. 1 This is the last stage,' said I. * -Goodness ! how high we are !' said Sophy, when the usher had shown us to our seats under the sky-light. I explained that we were in the best part of the house; that the music • sounded better up there $ that nobody of taste went elsewhere — in short, I • couldn't have told more lies in five minutes, had I been for ten years in full practice. Sophy looked a little incredulous ; but the performance began, and she soon grew so deeply interested as to be - oblivious of all else. When tbe curtain fell at the end, arid Madame Katsqualli had blundered througb. a speech in macaroni English, and Sophy hud burst her kids applauding, then, and riot till then, was she 'Teady to go. Ihe tedious descent ended, I was beginning to congratulate myself on getring out of the scrape so handsomely, when we reached the door to find— oh ! horror !— it was raining. | . ' We'll have to take a carriage,' said trophyHowl wished I was a lost child, a 'babe in the woods, or any other thing that couldn't be found. The situation was desperate. T had no choice. I beckoned to the mildest-

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looking hackman I could see, who at nee dro/e forward. 1 handed Sophy in, gave the driver the direction, and jumped in myself. What would be the consequence when I came to throw myself on the tender mercy of the benevolent jarvy, as I should eventually be obliged to do, I 'trembled to think of. Presently, Sophy hinted at ice-ei-earn, and asked me if 1 knew a good place. 1 told her I thought it very unhealthy — especially at night. She said it never hurt her. I replied the doctors had predicted the approach of cholera, and were Warning- people to be cautious in theii* diet, and to abstain from ice-cream particularly. The doctors were fools, 6he said. 1 saw it was -no use contending. At the same time a happy thought struck me. I knew one o't the clerks in a first-c'hrss confectionery. Doubtless he would trust me for the cream, and might lend me -enough besides to settle with the hackman. At anyrate, ( to stop awhile would postpone the evil moment, and I might stumble on some friend of money-lending proclivities. I told the driver where to stop, but luck was against me. The clerk whom I knew was out I With the rashness of despair, I ordered two dishes of vanilla. I ate slowljrand sadly. Sophy's plpte was out 'first. I asked her to have another — it made no difference now, and she did. I would have, gladly lengthened out .the time, but the hackman was getting " impatient, coming from time to time to look in at the door. The crisis might as well come. With as bold a face as possible, I approached the man at' the desk. '■I'll pay for this "to-morrow/ I said. His face assumed a look of want of confidence. ' We do a strictly cash business,' he answered with some sternness. ' But I— l don't happen to have the cash about me,' 1 stammered. What a fool I was, I thought the nett moment. I felt as though I oup:ht to be disbarred for stupidity. Why didn't I clap my hand upon my pocket and pretend ie had been picked ? But the bright idea came too late. ' You had no business to order what you hadn't the money to pay for,' said the man in a loud angry voice ; ' The law calls that swindling.' * The law, sir !' I exclaimed ; ' I know the law, and I'll have you arrested for slander to-morrow.' ' And I'll have you arrested for swindling now-!' was the response ; and, sure enough, a policeman was called in and I was given in charge on the spot. To add to tbe confusion "the hackman rushed in and began clamouring for his pay, while poor Sophy commenced to cry and wring her hands. ' It's my opinion the gal's no better nor her pall,' put in the hackman, ' an' my advice is to 'rest 'em both.' And there's no knowing but it would have been done, but for what followed c What's all this V exclaimed a young man, coming forward from a back table at which he had been seated I recognized him at a glance, and so did Sophy. It was Sam Trett, an old rival of mine with Sophy, now a country grocer, who had come to the city to ' lay in his stock. Sophy -flew to him and clung to his arm. * He — -he — he, 1 she sobbed, pointing her finger at me, ' has dis-dis-dis-graced me ! he brough-brough-brought me he-he-here in a ha-ha- hack, and or-or-or-ordered i-i-ice-cream, and did-did-didn't pay for it, and got us bo-bo-both arrested V Sam gave me a look of scorn-, paid for the ice-cream, assumed my liability to the hackman, and led Sophy in triumph to the carriage, in which ihey were driven away. I learned afterwards that he took her to the opera, and had a private box every night during her stay, besides treating her to all the ice-cream she wanted. The upshot is that Sophy is now Mrs Sam .Trett, and I am a orusty old bachelor j all through the blundering of trying to cut a swell on a capital of two dollars. The experience I have gained since my misfortuneleads me to the conclusion that there are a good many who seek to make a couple of dollars go a long way in keeping up false appearances;, and sometimes even this limited capital is not their own. Girls would do well to follow Sophy's example, and prefer an industrious grocer to a two-dollar fop.