Facetiæ.

Clutha Leader, Volume II, Issue 87, 9 March 1876, Page 3

Facetiæ.

"A little riionsenfee now arid then, tl lis relished by the wisest ihen." . ; '*lj The .folloWihg curious epitaph i&J really in Lydford -' churchyard, on they borders of Dartmoor :— % >. V 'Bore lies in horizontal position, . ; the outside Case of (jrEORGE RbUTLBrGH, WATOHirAKKB*; V V V Whose abilities in that lino were an honor to ■ hia prof sssion. '. ' - Integrity was the j^ainspring, and prudence th'fe - Regulator ''**.. . of all the actions of his life. Humane, generous, and' liberal, his hand never stopped-, ; till he had relieved distress. So nicely regulated were all his- motions,' that hb never went' Wrong -- " except when seta-gioihg by people ... who did riot know his Key : '; Even theD he was easily set right [again. He had the art of disposing his time so well that his hours glided a\yav in one continual round of pldaslire and delight, till an unlricky. minute put a period to his existence. He departed his life if ov. 14, 1802, •• aged 57 : .'Wound u|7 , r In hopes of being taken in hind by his Maker ; '• j : , and of being thoroughly cleaned, 'repaired, ; arid set a-going in the^wbrld to' come. Mrs Partington says slie may be old now, hut shea s seen the (lay when shewas as young as ever she was. " u ELaty, have you laid the cloth, fob breakfast yet?" " An' sure I.h&v?, mem-^-and every thing else but eggs ; an' isn't that the old Hen's work, surely?" The wayto'ihake a tall men " short is to ask him to lend- you a^few pounds. The first half of life is spent in lotigfing. for the second ; the second in regretting the firgt. . - • r - At a parish examination a clergyman asked a charity boy if he'had everib'eeh baptised. "No, sir," was the -reply, "not as T knows; but I was waxatf* ated,"

"Pa, said little Jimiriie, *f* I .'c-aine very near getting to the head 6f my class to-day." " Hbw is that; thy son ?" " Whiy, a big word came all the, way down tb me, and, if I only could have spelled it, I would -have gone-clear- up." Angler— ** Deuced- odd; Donald, I con't get a fish over seven pounds, when, they say Major Grant above us killed half-ardozeri . last w6ek that tiirhed twenty pounds a-piece." DonalcM? " Aweel, sir, it's no that niuckle delete i' th' sawmon ; but thae folk *up the watter is bigger leears than we're dooft hdro."

/Why is 'the son a quarrelsome fellbvf? —Because hia never shows - himself without making a shine ; but' then -it - ' is only done In the heat of the moment; and> upon the least reflection,, the whole matter would seem in a verydifferent light! - ,;

Keep yourtemper in disputes. The cool hatniiier. iasliiohs the red-hot 'fron into any shape needed. It is less painful to learn in youth than be ignorant 'in age. Be civil.— When a rich quaker was asked the secret of his Hucceaa in 'lfA*» he answered, "Civility, friend, -feiyility," • Some Pulaski hoys understood' : to. jplay base-ball in a field wherepa ram !was feeding recently. Ite bhttecl the ishort-stop through a picket fence, arid iforced all the rest to make a home run. iThe boy who. was hutted through the fence was the only one scored, and he carries the score with him, but he can^ 5 not see it.

How could he ? — An Irishman, 'get*-ting-on a* highly rhetalled horse./ it. tan away with him ; Upon which,' ohe. df his companions called, out ; to r him,, to strip him, honey,' criecl he. 'how can I do that when I've got no spurs ?' Wheri are gloves unsaleable 1— - When they are kept on hand;- ■ *" Drop ihe a line!" as the drowning man said to his fellow on deck." .

" Sir, you are just like the motion of a dog's tail."— " Row so?" ™ Because you are a wag:' ? '7 ' ', : . '. _L " Captain Silk! What a riame fbfc a "soldier*!" .."The "finiest in the world" for a captain," said a lady, '"for silk will never be Worsted."

; Scene in an'- Omriibtis.— j^«^ woman with a fat baby": Must, get in. , French Genileiiian •:• ' Impossible ' m adatn* (Td the driver : )You frill XJ&Hver & You're a fool yoiirsali. S^uee^e" in the^e,, ! "Customer— -" Them eggs jin 'the window good ?" Tlajer-^-" Don't 'know^ am't r Heen • ihilSe '-*em*V' ; ' : <)tfst6tile*i£ *'f Ah, 'thought you 'didn't look like a : chicken '! "^Good-bye;^ ! .-.."• *• v .1. .,'-;; , I' An Atiierica'fcco'nteiriporary gives the following version of the opening of a-well-knqwn-T6ong; :~7 y y 'My mbtHer bids ift& bind iiiy hair,* '" ' * But does not tell mo which j Does she m eafa that piece.on my bedroom chair-, Or my fifty-dollar switch? ._ yr , , A' minister- of SK;^ noticed greater attentioiv paid on the part ..of the congregation when young ministers -preached- to ? "them- ? thin Vhen^Hd himself* officiated,V:askedVan , oldttwdmaa the reason. '\..^-^'W.^piojqp^.^ii- :< we ken- ye'fe sbunclpbufr -^ birkies needed he^lo6ked"^ft&^ : - y&f-'-A .:.-.-,