Facefià.

Clutha Leader, Volume II, Issue 82, 3 February 1876, Page 7

Facefià.

"A little nonsense now and then, Is relished by the. wisest -men." The man who keeps his word.— The man who never speakes. - Why is a drawn tooth like tilings, forgotten ?— Because it's ouc of -the head.

What are they which, though always drunk, are never intoxicatad ?— Toasts. To prevent her over's withdrawing from his promise, a young lady from the. North always introduces him to her friends as " My intended husband." v No," says Mrs Podgers, very positively, " if I go into the country, Mr^ Podgers goes with me. This city ain't no safe place to leave a man alone in."

Stumbling 1 into his room he sat down on the edge of the bed and soliloquised thus : " Feet wet, tight boots, a sore on one hand un a felon on t'other, and no bootjack in z' house, Sings got to be different. Either I mus' get mamed, else get a bootjack, wishall I do ?" Some burglars, upon entering a house, blew out the lights and tied the occupants in different parts of the room. One took it to heart sadly and exclaimed, "Oh, I'm undone— Pm undone !" Upon which another replied, IC Then come and undo me."

" Can a man see without eyes ?" asked the professor. " Yes, sir," was the prompt answer. " Pray, sir, how do you make that out ?" cried the astonished professor. He can see with one, sir," replied Juvenis. To Kill Fleas. --Chain their hind legs to a tree, then go around in front and make mouths at them.

" J can bear," said a sufferer, " I can bear the squealing of a pig, the roaring of thunder, or the squall often thousand cats j but the voice of a dun is like the crack of doom ; and when I hear a dun, I am done out and out."

An Irish soldier was boasting recently that he captured three Russians at the battle of Inkermann, and that he felt in a very awkward predicament. " How did you take so many, Pat ? " asked an officer. "Plaze yer honor," was the reply, " I surrounded them." A venerable lady in her hundredth year lost her daughter, who had attained the good old age of eighty. The mother's grief was great; and to a friend who came to condole with her, she remarked, " 0 dear ! oh dear ! I knew I never should be able to raise that child !"

"Tommy, what is longitude?" "A clothesline, father." ' Prove it Tommy.' "Because it stretches from poll to pole," said young Hopeful.

Among the conditions of sale by -an auctioneer in a midland county was the following :— " The highest bidder to be the buyer, unless some gentleman bids more."

A young lady who lately gave an order to a milliner for a bonnet, said : — "You are to make it plain, and at the same time smart, as I sit in a conspicuous place in church,"

The man who plays. at once on the tramp of fame and the horn of a dilemma, got his first ideas of music on hearing a hay cock crow, while he was tying a knot in a cord of wood.

An eminent and witty prelate was once asked if he did not "think such a one followed his conscience. " Yes," said his lordship, " I think he follows it as a raan„does .a horse in a gig — he drives it first."

A lawyer in one ofthe western courts lately threw a book at another's head. The court required him to apologise. He did so, and added, "While I am about it, I may apologise beforehand for throwing another book at him the first chance I get." • Colley Cibber once went to visit Booth at a time when he knew he was at home, but he was told by the servant he was not at home. Soon after Booth called on Cibber, who openthe window and told Booth that he was not at home. " What do you mean ? " asked Booth. " Why, that I believed your servant the other day," retorted Cibber, "and you ought to belive. what I say to-day." t{ Pat," said a builder to an Irishman that was engaged in carrying slate .to the top of a four story building, " have you any houses in Ireland as tall as s this one?" "Ya'as, Mc Mithers cabin." " How many rooms had it ?''■ " There was the ateing room, the slaping room, the kitchen room, and the pig pcn — four rooms." ' That's a story,' said the builder. " Ya'as, four stories," j says Pat. / ' !

During the stormy days of 18.48 two stalwart moboerats entered the bank of the late Baron A. Rothschild at Frankfort. " You have millions on millions," said they to him, " and we have notb: ing j you must divide with us." — "Very well; what .do you suppose the firm of Rothschild is worth ?" — ■" About forty , millions of florins."—" Forty millions you think, eh ? Well now,' there are forty millions of people in Germany 5 that will be a florin arpiece; here's yours." *

A policeman, giving, evidence at; Bow against a woman accused of robbing a pawnbroker, assured the magistrate that,. on telling. the prisoner the nature of the charge, on. which he captured her, , she "turned away from bim. and: swallowed a bed tick, a pair ($ Stays, two brass candlesticks, a smothingiron and a pair of .bellows !'.'Magis-> ; trate : " Nonsense ! JElaye jou los^your , senses .'•* Your Worship,; 'tis the tickets of them, I mean, she swallowed,!-* AA '■ ' A AAA * A' : '■ A