Do children need a parental contract?

Press, 11 July 1989, Page 17

Do children need a parental contract?

Is signing a contract with your children a solution to family problems? HEATHER KIRBY meets a father who thinks putting parenting on paper works.

Andrew Wray was once what he describes as a cheque-book father. “I went out early in the morning and when I returned home, if there was trouble, I stuck my head in the newspaper, or went to the pub for a drink.” Then, four years ago, Andrew, a chartered accountant, was made redundant from his job in the City of London, and found he was spending a lot of time at home with his wife and three daughters, Sarah, aged 14, Fiona, 12, and nine-year-old Lindsay. He also found that his family was more troubled than he had supposed. Fiona, in particular, her father thought, seemed to be receiving an unfair share of both blame and punishment. One result was that he separated from his wife. Another was that he drew up a family contract, designed, he says, to demonstrate to his children that their upbringing could be different. "I had been brought up emotionally illiterate, to keep a stiff upper lip, which means, in • effect, not acknowledging what is going on around you,” he says. “I felt a very strong and powerful need to make a stand for the children and to find a way to measure my conviction that I wanted and could do things differently.” Now each of his daughters has her own piece of lined, white paper to be renewed on every birthday, which both she and her father sign. It reads: “I, Andrew, your dad, want you, Sarah, (or Fiona, or Lindsay), to know that I love you and you are very precious to me. “I promise that: I will never hit you, or smack you, at anytime, ever; “I think of you as a first class member of the family and of the community; “I will not shout at you; “I will always listen to you when you want to speak to me; “My first concern is for your safety and wellbeing whilst you learn to look out for yourself.” It is a surprisingly simple and straightforward document for something as complicated as rearing a child, but Andrew Wray thinks it is an idea all parents should adopt. He even foresees the day when a family’s contract could be placed on a central register with reminders of renewal

dates being sent out annually. Sarah shares her father’s home in West Dulwich, London. Fiona and Lindsay divide their time between their mother’s and father’s homes. Andrew Wray has recently formed a relationship with a 26-year-old social worker, Martina Brennan, whom he met at a weekend training course where they were both learning about psycho therapy counselling. He says that Martina Brennan, who is a specialist in sexually abused and battered children, has been of considerable help to both him and his daughters, but was not involved in the drawing up of their family contract. He feels that the most important element of the contract is that the children have found a way to redefine their relationship. “The contract gives them permission to be assertive, to take responsibility for themselves, and their behaviour and to demand their rights. It came as a shock to me when Lindsay reminded me that it says in the contract, I have to listen to her. I always thought I did listen to my children, but her perception was different. “It is also a way of teaching them that certain behaviour, because it is not permissible for me, is not acceptable in them either.” He says that when his children first came to stay with him in his home, Lindsay would hurt Fiona in fights so much that he insisted they were never to be alone together. Now, at Lindsay’s suggestion, she and Fiona have drawn up their own contract which says they may spend two hours a week in each other’s company. “They are beginning to recognise that they can unlearn bad behaviour,” their father says. “Now they vent their anger by playing indoor hockey in the kitchen, which sounds like the Third World War has broken out, but at least no one gets hurt.” House rules include no one going into anyone else’s bedroom without

permission, or borrowing things without asking, or interrupting what Andrew and Martina describe as their “quality time” together. Their conversation is frequently quasipsychological with references to permissions, invasions, and negotiations. Andrew Wray is considering training to become a therapist and counsellor. “The beauty of our family contract is it works,” he says. “An essential feature is that I don’t want to have more hassle in my life than I need. "For instance, if the girls are not ready for school or can’t find a blazer I don’t shout because they, not I, have to live with the consequences. I never have to tell Sarah to do her homework. She cooks for herself, and if her room is untidy, that’s her business.” He gives Sarah $55 a week allowance for her to buy everything, which includes between 10 and 20 cigarettes a day, and the occasional lager or beer. “Sarah knows the damage smoking can do, but she has a lot of emotional tension to contend with so I understand her need to smoke,” her father says. “I have taught my daughters that there is a thin blue line and if they step over that, their assertiveness skills are limited. “They have to retain the capacity to say no. If they get drunk at a party, smoke pot, walk home on their own, get into a train alone, or into a car with someone who has been drinking, they expose themselves to someone else’s needs.” Sarah says her friends think the contract is a good idea and wish their own parents would sign one, but the idea of a family contract does not appeal to everyone. Andrew Wray has been criticised by some of his friends. Eileen Orford, a child psychotherapist, says that while she applauds any attempt to be good parents, she is unsure about attempting to put the principles of good parenting on paper. “It would be quite dangerous to make a contract which parents could not keep, and which doesn’t

allow them some room for the expression of not ! altogether nice feelings.” Dr Sebastian Kramer, a consultant psychiatrist at the Tavistock Clinic, is also cautious. “It is a good thing to aim for, but I don’t think a contract would be much use for most parents because we wouldn’t stick to it,” he says. “I sometimes clip my children a bit, and don’t always answer when they speak to me. I recommend parents try to be good enough, not perfect. I also don’t think you should give too much power to children. “What they need most of all, because they are intensely conservative, is not to be lied to, and for things to be predictable. Children have the right to be informed, in a way they understand, about what is happening to them.” —DUO