The perfect candidate

Press, 18 February 1989, Page 24

The perfect candidate

By

A. K. GRANT

“Mrs Margaret Murray was responding to a report that the Citizens’ Association fears the conservative vote would be split if she stood against Sir Hamish, who will almost certainly be confirmed next month as the association's candidate. Such a split would clear the way for Labour’s candidate, who will most likely be a city councillor and Local Government Commission member, Ms Vicki Buck.’’ — “The Press,’’ February 15,1989.

WHAT everybody appears to be overlooking in their assessments of the Margaret Murray/Hamish Hay imbroglio is that Mrs Murray, Sir Hamish and Ms Buck will in fact be splitting the vote against me, since I will almost certainly be confirmed next month as mayoral candidate of the Satirists' Association. I say “almost certainly” but in fact there is no real doubt that the Satirists’ Association will confirm me as its candidate since I am the only member of that association, and I don’t propose to admit anyone else to membership for fear of the damaging splits and divided loyalties that ruined the. Shadbolt administration in Waitemata. As I contemplate the forthcoming campaign I fail to see how I . can lose. I realise, that this view Slays me open to charges of but consider, the situation. I am the only satirical candidate. Therefore I will capture the whole of the pro-satirist vote Whereas the anti-satirist vote iSWW among the three candidates, and if Mrt'Murray drops out I evra u -

will still come racing through the middle between Sir Hamish and Vicki Buck.

So you had better get used to the idea of me as mayor, because that is what is going to happen. In due course I will help you to get used to the idea of me as mayor by releasing details of my policies, but I am not going to do that now, for fear they are pinched by my rivals. But I can make the Satirists’ Association position a bit clearer by telling you what we are against Progress, basically. In fact, our campaign slogan will be “Progress Is a Myth.” Or maybe “Potholes, Not Progress,” because we are certainly in favour of filling in potholes. But we are anti-tower, anti-gondola, anticasino.’ We would certainly be anti-geodesic dome if anybody proposed one'. We don’t want any further, extensions to the airport and it is a matter of supreme indifference to us whether or not Queenstown gets an international airport We don’t want money from the sort of tourists who would rather go to Queenstown than come to Christchurch.

We are unconcerned by the parking situation at the hospital. It people don’t want long, healthy walks to and from their car they shouldn’t go to the hospital. On the other hand we fail to perceive the architectural merits of the Government Buildings behind the Cathedral and think they should be pulled down and turned into a car park. We have some positive ideas about the Robert McDougall Art Gallery, which I will reveal in due course. We may try get

the road tunnel closed: we think this city was a better place to live in when everything from Lyttelton had to come over Evans Pass. We think there are far too many support groups in Christchurch, and think they should be compulsorily amalgamated into one gigantic underfunded support group. We are running on the mayoral ticket only,, and don’t look forward to a good working relationship with the new superCouncil: in fact we look forward to a series of furious rows and maybe even the odd libel action. We will, and this is one of the few pieces of policy I am willing to release at this time, spend millions on the latest technology to ensure that the wicket at Lancaster Park can be turned from a superb one-day wicket into a superb test wicket by the mere flick of a switch.

Oh, and we won’t send out explanatory leaflets with the rates demands telling you what we are doing with your money. If you want to find out what we are doing with your money, you will be met at every turn by a network of evasion and denial of Byzantine complexity. That should give you some inkling of the flavour of my mayoralty. I am looking forward to October, and am already preparing an acceptance speech congratulating my opponents on a clean and hard-fought campaign. I will be magnanimous at the moment of victory, but may turn a BIT nasty afterwards.

Remember, “Progress Is a Myth.’ r It is a slogan you will be hearing much more of.