‘Creative Parenting’ groups and workshops

Press, 9 February 1989, Page 12

‘Creative Parenting’ groups and workshops

by

MAVIS AIREY

Are you a parent with an iron fist or do you fold like the daily paper? Reg Smith, the Christchurch psychotherapist, finds many parents sway from one style of parenting to the other. In his "Creative Parenting” groups and workshops, he tries to help them achieve a balance in between.

Influenced by Thomas Gordon's ideas on parenteffectiveness training, he puts a lot of emphasis on getting away from the use of power and the authoritarian approach to parenting. At the same time, he encourages parents to be assertive.

“At times, you need to make a stand. If you’re too soft you don’t give any direction at all as a parent,” he says. Reg Smith’s interest in parenting is personal as well as professional. A registered psychiatric nurse trained in various methods of therapy, he gave up full time work three years ago to take on the responsibility of primary care for his three children.

With his youngest child now at school, he divides his time between family commitments and his work as a therapist. > His interest in working with parents is not limited to those experiencing major difficulties. “I see

working with parents as similar preventive medicine,” he says. “Parenting is a major factor in a person’s development. I don’t think parents should strive for perfection, but I do believe they have a responsibility to do the best they can.” He prefers not to think in terms of good and bad parents, but rather of more, or less, effective ones. “Parenting skills are learned, not acquired at birth,” he emphasises. “Most of us today are parenting without access to the extended family. To succeed as parents, we need to have opportunities to share and learn from others in a supportive atmosphere." He sees his creativeparenting groups as offering this sort of opportunity. The groups are for people wanting to develop

their ability to relate to children. Members learn communication skills and explore issues such as developing and maintaining intimacy, the use and abuse of power, and expectations of yourself and your child. Focusing on a topic, such as “listening to our children,” he spends some time teaching about different methods. The group then moves into what he calls the “action phase,” in which he coaches members how to listen more effectively. Members may practise listening to one another, or choose someone to be one of their children and be coached how to listen and relate more effectively with that child. “At first, this approach can be a bit scary,” he acknowledges. “But after a while, the group seems to get the idea and starts to enjoy the whole process.”

One of the main advantages of this approach, he feels, is that the parent reverses roles with the child and experiences the child’s world. “This does wonders for their relationship pnd brings them much closer. It is very empowering,” he says.. Sometimes, he will ask someone to choose another group member to act as the parent. “This way they can see themselves and how they interact with their child. Usually, they have a bit of a laugh, and with increased awareness, can go back and do things differently,” he says. He also spends time encouraging the group to value the positive things they do as parents, rather than focus on all their faults. Raising consciousness of their positive actions encourages parents to repeat them in the future, he finds. After each unit of work, time is taken to share experiences. “It is really helpful to know you’re not alone in experiencing a particular difficulty,” he says.

When it comes to problem solving, he actively discourages advice giving, preferring to act as a guide, encouraging group members to find their own solutions. Solutions found in this - way are

more valuable, he finds, particularly when the children in the family take part in the process, rather than having something imposed by an allpowerful authority figure. . This does not mean the child should become the family dictator, however. “The overly passive and permissive parent does just as much harm to a child’s development as the overly aggressive and domineering parent,” he believes.

“It’s not a therapy group, but at times I may work with individuals in the group to deal with ‘unfinished business’ that is blocking them from being ar effective parent,” he says. The “creative” side of the course refers to working with group members to enable them to become more spontaneous, and so act more freely and come up with more satisfying alternatives.

“I encourage them to express their love and acceptance of their children. I don’t mean just telling them with words but more by their actions,” he says. “So long as a child feels loved, he or she has a tremendous capacity to cope and is less likely to grow up feeling angry and resentful towards the rest of the world.”

Reg Smith plans to start a new creative parenting group at the end of Feb-

ruary. Anyone interested can telephone him on 227927.