Reassessing men’s masculinity and sexuality

Press, 28 November 1988, Page 10

Reassessing men’s masculinity and sexuality

A book which exposes men’s refusal to express their feelings “clearly and cleanly” will be launched in Christchurch this evening. “The Prance of men — And a Process of Change” has been written by the Christchurch men’s group leader, Allan Marriott. He believes the title accurately describes the way New Zealand men behave towards women, other men and themselves. “I think it’s time we men spoke out about masculinity and male sexuality. We have developed a history of silence and collusion,” Allan says. “As husbands, partners, fathers, colleagues, lovers and friends, we abuse and emotionally withdraw. We leave relationships and are left because we choose not to deal with our attitudes and behavi-

our. We choose not to take responsibility for our vulnerability, fears, aggression, anger as well as our warmth, gentleness and sensitivity,” he says. Allan, who has led more than 40 men’s groups in the city since 1982, says some of the examples in his book may seem anti-men or negative. “Men may want to say, ‘Yes, but ...’ But I want men to see that all the examples are the way we men act in common situations. Many of us want to protect ourselves from knowing the effects of our behaviour. I ask men who read this book to avoid doing this,” he says. Allan’s book is based on material he has accumulated in his “male system” courses, which focus on

the way men have been brought up to use and misuse power, be angry, blame others and repress their feelings. Male researchers have written on what is wrong with women, children, society and our political and economic structures. Men have been excused, he says. There have been few models of a different form of masculinity. Some have been lost in history, just as women’s achievements and ideas have been. “We may have to become our own models,” he says. Despite the grim picture of New Zealand manhood, Allan believes men can change themselves — to the benefit of everyone. “If the will is here, our prance can be different. It

takes just one man — the man in the mirror,” he concludes. The Christchurch Playback Theatre’s interpretations of Allan’s themes form the photos of his book, which will be launched by Dame Jean Herbison at the Christchurch Polytechnic tonight. Published by Hazard Press Ltd, “The Prance of Men” costs $16.95. Mid-life for women Middle age is a time we tend to dread, especially if we are women. We imagine ourselves as unattractive and unwanted by everyone from our partners and other men to our children and employers. But according to 445 Christchurch women, the

middle years can be the best years of your life.“ The Time of Our Lives — A Study of MidLife Women” is the name of a book just published by the Society for Research on Women. It has been written by seven Christchurch members and is based on a survey of 445 Christchurch women aged between 35 and 60. Positive messages come through the book loud and clear. The main finding is that far from being tossed on society’s scrapheap, women in the middle years feel good about themselves, their lives and their future. Perhaps most significantly, the “empty nest syndrome" we hear so much about does not feature at all. Not one woman said she was dejected at children leaving

home. In fact, most seemd relieved. Most of the women in the survey said they had support from family and friends and that they were living in satisfying relationships. All S.R.O.W. members, friends and interested people are invited to the launching of “The Time of Our Lives” this Wednesday, from 4.30 p.m. to 6.30 p.m. at Ham Homestead, 87 Ham Road. Phillida Bunkie, who with Sandra Coney sparked the cervical cancer inquiry in Auckland will be the guest speaker. Wine, juice and finger food will be served. The cover charge is $5. Those who would like to be there are asked to phone Valmai Elley at 515-851 in the evenings, and Margaret Sweet at 515-607 during the day.