If you go down in the woods today

Press, 28 November 1988, Page 4

If you go down in the woods today

Wilsons wook."

Why am I lying in bed, talking to myself? Because it is 2.37 in the morning and I am wide awake. What a ridiculous situation to be in. It must have been that scary science fiction film. Perhaps. The five cups of coffee wouldn’t have helped either. I could always get up, and potter around the house. At 2.38 in the morning? Only burglars potter around houses at that hour. What would the family think if they woke to hear me lumbering around in another room? I could lumber quietly. Or I could will myself to go to sleep. 0.K., let’s try. Sleepy ... sleepy ... I am drowsing ... I am asleep? No.

Didn’t think so, or I wouldn’t have answered myself. This is ridiculous, now come on! Think of a blank wall. O.K. One blank wall. Think of nothing but that wall. Uh-oh. What? Somebody just sprayed “insomnia” on it. The only way you will get to sleep, my lad, is to adopt a calm and rational approach. Right. Try relaxing parts of your body by command. Work up from the toes. O.K. Feet, you are sleepy. Relax feet. Knees, you are exhausted, go to sleep. Tummy, take the rest of the night off. Eyes and brain, you are oh-so-tired and may now shut down until morning.

There. I am totally relaxed. Bom-de-bommidy-bom-bom-bom. What in hell am I doing now? I’m trying to remember the words to that song, “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic.” It is 2.42 in the morning and I am singing “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic” to myself? What’s wrong with that? Can’t it wait until morning?

No. If I can’t recall the lyrics now, I shan’t be able to sleep. Think of something else. Think of restful, happy words that bring you the warm glow of contentment Can you think of such words? Yes. “Cheque enclosed.” Think of something else. If you go down in the woods today you’re in for a big surprise. Great. You’ve remembered “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic.” Now will I sleep? Yes. Oh, I feel quite better now. Mmm. Just snuggle into the pillow and doze ... off ... Picnic time for teddy bears. The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today! Cut that out! I’m sorry. I just re-

membered the next line. Great hairy fool! It’s 2.53 in the morning and here I am singing kindergarten rhymes. I won’t be feeling so chipper in the morning. Quite. Well I’m content now. I’ve mentally planned the redecoration of the house, drawn up a model aeroplane building schedule for the next year and decided in which order the bills will be paid next month. I can sleep now. Sure? Positive. Can I get some sleep? Certainly. Don’t forget to turn down the volume on the radio alarm clock. The last thing I need is some breakfast announcer screeching in my ears when I will be very overtired. Okay. I’ll turn ...

down ... the ... volume ... in ... just ... a ... “WAKE UP! It’s a bright sunny morning so GET OUT OF BED sleepy-head! You’re on Radio Noise!" “Where’s our breakfast, Dad?” “Don’t forget Mum’s cup of tea.” “Dad. The cat’s miaowing to be let out and I think she’s done something in the corner.” “Dad?” “He’s asleep.” “Poke him. That al-, ways wakes him up.” It is 7.07 a.m. and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep, you are my best friend. Speaking of which, where the.hell were you last night? Probably having a high old time at the teddy bears’ picnic.— DAVE WILSON.