Parenting

Press, 29 September 1988, Page 20

Parenting

Sir,—T. K. Williams (September 23) produces, among other absurd and dangerous ideas, the advice that “at all costs, we must wipe out the domestic purposes benefit” — on the assumption that it has destroyed family life. The family is an important social structure, and deserves something better than woolly sentimentality. Family life is destroyed by inadequate, unhappy families. Studies of children from one-parent families indicate that, typically, such children’s emotional problems (when they have any) date from before the parents’ separation and are traceable to the stress of living with’; unhappy parents; and that financial stress also has ill effects on children. The logical response to both these findings would be to increase the domestic purposes benefit. Removing the financial desirability of marriage could ultimately lead to a society where every marriage is founded

solely on love, respect, and enjoyment. Surely this would be a good thing. — Yours, etc., CATHERINE GLUE. September 23, 1988. Sir, —Mr Palmer is not talking of interfering in adequate families. Early feeding, other nurture and discipline, somewhat modified by later experiences, shape us. Babies whose signals of need elicit loving responses grow happily confident. Babies left to cry become grizzling manipulators. Babies left longer become angry; later, neglected and/or violently disciplined, many, tragically become violent themselves. Fami--lies usually continue to be cooperative and responsive; neglectful and arbitrary; causing and returning anger and violence; ignoring pain, appeals, despair. Maternity nurses must teach parents that hungry babies say “wah, wah,” uncomfortable babies grizzle, hurt babies cry and panicking babies scream. Some parents need to learn selfcontrol and to make responsible decisions about care and discipline. Most may want occasional help or need none at all. It is inhumane not to intervene to help hurt babies. — Yours, etc., SUSAN TAYLOR. September 23, 1988.