Star trekking through the year

Press, 29 June 1988, Page 4 (Supplement)

Star trekking through the year

SUSAN KUROSAWA

takes a light-hearted look at how the

signs of the zodiac might influence travellers. Madame Kurosawa, a travel writer by day, concedes she is not an astrologer.

It’s not purely by chance, you know, that Pisceans holiday by the sea, Leos burrow through the bushveld on African safaris, and sure-footed Capricorns take off to conquer mighty mountain peaks. Our star signs not only affect our choice of partners and professions and what colour we paint our bedrooms, they govern our travel predilections as well. Aries (fire, March 22 to April 21): Those born* under this sign are impulsive, impatient travellers who thrive on challenge. Arians struggle with bulky carryon luggage because they can’t bear waiting at baggage carousels. They are quick, naive shoppers who end up spending twice as much as anyone else because they can’t be bothered bargaining. Most of the fake Ming bowls and

snowdomes of the Great Wall of China in this world are owned by Arians. They have hideous tempers when things don’t go exactly as planned: Arians would do well never to set foot in muddled India or sleepy South America. Well-organised, sporty travel is ideal. There will be too many Arians for anyone’s liking at the Seoul Olympics. Taurus (earth, April 22 to May 21): Despite the bovine symbol of this sign, Taureans are not often found at loud Spanish bullfights or on rugged outback buffalo hunts. They are passive, hedonistic types whose idea of holiday heaven is a champagne picnic on a ritzy resort isle. The Taurean’s idea of adventure is a menu in a foreign language while roughing it means no swim-up bar in the hotel pool. Taureans suffer from sunburn because they’re too lazy to turn over while baking on the beach. They eat too much and frequently suffer motion

sickness and bowel disorders when travelling. The person snoring next to you on the marathon flight from Sydney to London via Singapore, Hong Kong, Bangkok, Rome and Paris is a Taurean. Gemini (air, May 22 to June 21): In keeping with a dual nature of this star sign, Geminis usually choose at least two destinations for their annual holiday (Paris and Peru, for example). They are disgustingly energetic travellers who want to see and sample the lot. Tour guides lumbered with a coachload of eager-beaver Geminis have been known to attempt suicide by swallowing their microphones. Geminis think nothing of flying twice around the world in one week; they do push-ups in the aisle of the plane, hop around empty seats so they

can engage fellow travellers in animated conversation, and talk louder than the movie soundtrack on channel one. Cancer (water, June 22 to July 21): Cancerians complain a lot: they’re the ones always in front of you at the hotel checkout who poop on about cold toast, warm orange juice, hard pillows and soft mattresses. They’re best with safe, resort-style accommodation, plain food, bland entertainment, heated pools and people who speak English as their first language. Obviously they get on well in the United States and have done much to keep certain Club Meds in business. Most of the demanding old dames who permanently cruise the world on sleek, expensive ships are pernickety Cancerians. A true Can-

cer traveller always carries a stout guidebook (no, not for reference, but to beat recalritrant natives). Leo (fire, July 22 to August 21): Leos are smug, know-it-all travellers who give advice to African trackers about spotting leopards, and contradict venerable Egyptologists lecturing on Nile cruises. Leos are such maddening showoffs they invariably break a leg ski-ing, fall out of canoes splash in the middle of treacherous rapids, or get killed while arguing with terrorist hijackers. They love destinations that are out of the way and faintly dangerous. Beirut would have no tourist trade at all if it weren’t for intrepid Leos. They boast incessantly of their exploits when they’re back on home turf. Leos hold slide evenings.

Virgo (earth, August 22 to September 21): Virgos research their travel destinations for at least two years before setting off. They frequently drop dead, lose their hair or have twins during the planning stages. These ultra-neat, methodical creatures choose clean, efficient holiday spots such as Germany, Switzerland and Scandinavia. They always pack a raincoat and collapsible umbrella to combat a rogue typhoon. Virgos always know exact exchange rates and how much it costs by taxi from Dum Dum Airport to central Calcutta. If you need a band-aid at midnight in your Zurich hotel, knock on the door of a Virgo. Libra (air, September 22 to October 21): Librans are not great travellers, mostly because they can’t ever decide where to go. Carnival in Rio, springtime in the Rockies, a Caribbean cruise or houseboat up in Kashmir? They complicate their choice with a swag, of confusing , options. They’re read every guidebook and travel brochure ever written. If you meet a Libran on your travels, he or she will be instantly recognisable as the miserable, disgruntled soul saying things like, “I knew I should have gone bicycling through Patagonia instead of visiting Expo ’88.” Never travel with a Libran unless you’re a masochist or deaf or both. HtE Scorpio (water, October 22 to November 21): Scorpios like self-indul-gent, stay-put and very private holidays. They are often nudists. These water-loving wanderers will happily travel out of season and defiantly sit on a windwhipped beach in an overcoat or charter a yacht in a cyclone. They order room service, take bubble baths and watch X-rated in-house videos. Scorpios often travel alone wearing eccentric bermuda shorts and unattractive hats; the males of the species often fancy their chances with flight attendants and waitresses. The topless bars of Tokyo’s Ginza district are thick with lone Scorpio men. Scorpios of both sexes turn very mean when they don’t get a window seat, and they write postcards fall of shameless fibs. Sagittarius (fire, November 22 to December 21): Male Sagittarians do cute things like goose-stepping through the streets of Frankfurt, making a huge joke about ordering a white coffee in Johannesburg, and telling the waiter in a Tokyo restaurant that he looks just like someone he shot in the war. Sagittarians are overachievers who attempt Tar-zan-level treks when they’re really about as healthy as a dead rat. Most coffins on aircraft contain Sagittarians who lied when they filled in their adventure holiday fitness forms. They ignore warning signboards of all kinds of frequently enter military zones, crocodile-in-fested rivers, sacred temples and train carriages especially reserved for veiled Indian women. Some Sagittarians spend their holidays in Asian prisons.

Star trekking (conclusion)

Capricorn (earth, December 22 to January 20): The trendiest of travellers, Capricorns only journey to “in” destinations. They are excruciating name-droppers and gush relentlessly about their s-u-p-e-r hols. Capricorns buy most of the world’s supply of Louis Vuitton and Mandarina Duck luggage. If you spot a couple dining al fresco at a trendy Lake Como cafe, sipping campari and carrot juice, and talking designer labels as if it’s a foreign language, you can bet your Bolle sunglasses they’re Capricorns. The combine their love of exotic travel with their passion for pretentious food. Capricorns who visit Paris skip the city sights in favour of bistro-hopping. They are freqently ill-informed and overweight. Aquarius (air, January 21 to February 21: Never befriend Aquarians on your travels and invite them to look you up some time. They will arrive on your doorstep with their entire family and stay for six weeks or until you sell your house. Aquarians travel in packs, they lead singalongs in coaches, prattle on in broad ocker to stunned Tibetans, and wake you up on board a plane to tell you the movie’s over. Aquarians are easily pleased. They are unbearably jovial if the plane’s delayed for seven hours and do horrid things like rallying fellow stranded passengers to play charades. Luckily, Aquarians have friends and relatives around the globe and are not usually