Toilet training Success will come

Press, 3 December 1987, Page 12

Toilet training Success will come

by

MAVIS AIREY

"I don’t bring my friends home because Anne might dirty her pants and they’d laugh at me." (8-year-old). "I just couldn’t tell John’s mother that we haven’t got Wayne trained yet. We just don’t go there if we can help it. We make excuses not to go.” (a mother). "He’s always smelly, and he doesn’t seem to care, rm always telling him to go to the toilet, then Mum tells me to leave him alone, so we end up having a row.” (16-y ear-old). "It's hard to go out together. We can’t trust him to tell us if he wants to go. You just never know when it will happen.” (A father). Toilet training is one of the main problems causing stress in families with young children, yet it is very rarely discussed, says Phyllis Brock, of the Leslie Centre in Auckland. “It suffers from being 'not quite so nice to talk about.’ A lot of families don’t want to mention it They’d prefer it if training just happened naturally,” she finds. The days and nights of wet nappies, pants and sheets, the mess and the smell, the extra work and the embarrassment, the rows and the sense of failure, combined with the conflicting advice of friends and relations, conspire to sap the confidence of families with toilet training difficulties. Her message is reassuring. Ultimately, all children will gain control of their bodies, provided there is no permanent physical problem. Using the experiences of families who came for guidance and counselling to the centre, she has written a book, “Toilet Training Toddlers,” aimed at the parents of children aged two to five. The secret in helping children gain control of their bodies is knowing when to expect each stage of development to happen so that you can encourage the learning and help with any difficulties. As a parent, you may have an earlier expecta-

tion than a professional of the age at which your child should gain day control, Phyllis Brock says. "This may be in part due to your wish for relief from those wet and dirty pants or nappies, and also because it is much easier for a toilet-trained child to attend a day care facility, creche, playgroup, or kindergarten.” Up to the age of about 20 months, children have no conscious control over either bladder or bowel. It is purely a reflex action.

“The old and now obsolete practice of ‘holding out’ utilised this practice to catch something in the potty,” Phyllis Brock says. “This practice had nothing to do with toilet training, but everything to do with toilet timing and parent training.”

Confusing the reflex action with self-control can mislead parents into believing that their children are being deliberately naughty when they do not perform on the potty as expected. Somewhere between the ages of 20 months and three years there will be a right time to start toilet training. This right time, she advises, is dependent on the physical and emotional development of the child.

Some children are early developers, some late. Girls tend to have a slightly more advanced developmental rate than boys, and parents who as children achieved dryness (especially at night) at a later age will frequently find the same characteristics in their children. Whether this is because of heredity or parents’ different expectations is not clear.

Children need to reach the necessary level of emotional as well as physical development to achieve self-control, she advises. Babies don’t mind being wet or dirty, but older children as they begin to relate to other people, learn that there are socially acceptable ways of behaving. When the time is right developmentally for your child, the likelihood of success in a short time is high. “Toilet training often becomes a battle situation when it is attempted before the child is emotionally and physically ready. It is better to wait than to push your child into fitting in with your training schedule.” Physical abnormalities,

health problems, developmental delays, diet, fear, and family circumstances can all contribute towards some children being late learners.

If you think a medical or physical problem is causing the delay in your children becoming toilet trained, get your doctor to examine the child, she advises. There will be many times when parents feel toilet training will never be achieved. The book suggests ways at dealing with setbacks and the trying stage of being almost there but not quite. Sometimes children will revert when a new baby arrives. They need to be shown by praise and encouragement that their parents appreciate them not acting like a baby. Sometimes, going to the toilet develops into a demand for the parent’s attention, which requires a

firm refusal to do what the parents know is not necessary.

A child may be dry and clean at home, but not when out at kindergarten or someone else’s house.

“Some children slip up when confronted with new situations, especially when you do not remain with

them,” she says. “They may not know where the toilet is or if they are allowed to use it. They may be too shy to ask or to go or they may not know whom to ask or perhaps they are so overwhelmed by all that is going on that they forget to be attentive to their bodies’ messages.” Parente can help by making sure the child knows how to ask to go to the toilet, where it is, and whom to ask.

Phyllis Brock acknowledges that for some children, the Leslie Centre’s programme will not work without attention to other difficult behaviours. If parents do need extra help, she suggests turning to the Public Health nurse, Plunket nurse, or doctor, or contacting the Citizens Advice Bureau or psychological services of the Education Department.

When toilet training has been successfully accomplished, the whole family benefits. Phyllis Brock quotes these parents: "I’m a different person, it’s a load off me.” “We feel good and so proud of him.” "My wife and I don’t argue like we used to.”

"No more embarrass-, ing times when other people look at you. I feel OK as a parent now.”

"There’s a lot more laughter now. He tells everyone that he’s a boy and puts poos in the toilet. He’s so pleased with himself.” “We now feel happy about leaving him with friends or his grandparents, and he loves being with them.” ♦ ♦ ♦ “Toilet Training Toddler” by Phyllis Brock and the Leslie Centre is published by the Government Printing Office at $14.95.

‘The whole family benefits’