Psitive parenting being a parent need not be a chore

Press, 21 May 1987, Page 16

Psitive parenting being a parent need not be a chore

“So many parents we see are feeling anxious, seeing parenting as a chore. We want to say to them, ‘Stop worrying so much — even if you can’t change life situations like unemployment and divorce, you canchange your children’s behaviour.’ ” Laraine Toms’ confidence springs from experience at both the giving and receiving ends of parenting philosophy in the post-Spock ’Bos. An Australian sociology graduate with a special interest in social change, she found raising a family focused her interest on children and changing family dynamics.

A teacher, she has also run parenting classes for the Department of Technical and Further Education. But she admits that though she had learnt the theory in her studies, it wasn’t until she had children of her own that she really appreciated what parents go through. “It’s not till you’ve sat up all night with a child in a coma that you really understand a parent’s fears; not till you had a school resister that you

really understand what it’s like. “It wasn’t until I used ‘reflective listening’ with Christopher before he went into hospital that I realised how valuable it is.” Laraine Toms soon found herself sharing her ideas and experiences in books. “What Happens in Hospital?” arose from her child’s frequent hospitalisation; “Cooking for your Baby” offers her alternatives to reaching for the can opener without spending all your life in the kitchen. With recent trends in health food con-

sciousness, it has become a best seller in Australia. Her latest book is “Positive Parenting.” It was written with her long-time friend, Jan Levett, an educational psychologist and also a parent, who knows firsthand of the traumas families go through in divorce. The book was written in response to the sort of questions both women found cropping up again and again at parenting sessions. The world has changed enormously since today’s parents were children, and this has presented a challenge parents are often ill-prepared to meet, they feel. “In the past parents relied on authority, with reward and punishment being used to ensure obedience from their children. Today’s children accept rewards as their due, and question your right to punish them!” The answer, they believe, is not increased permissiveness, but what they call their “responsible democratic approach to child rearing.” “Positive parenting is based on the child’s rights as an individual — but that doesn’t mean letting it get out of control. They

must respect other people’s rights, and that includes your rights as a parent. The child isn’t the centre of the world,” Laraine Toms insists. What positive parenting boils down to is nurturing self esteem — both in the parent and the child. Children have a habit of living up — and down — to your expectations, they point out. Perhaps parents do too. “If you believe yourself to be a worth-while person, while acknowledging your failings and appreciating your skills, it follows naturally that the world around you will see you

also as a worth-while person and treat you as such.” So parents have to start with themselves. Both authors agree it may not seem easy to be a confident parent in a world of conflicting pressures and rapid change. “Begin by recognising and believing that being a parent is worth-while and valuable. Prepare for it as you would any other desirable job ... Accept that being a good, effective parent doesn’t always come naturally. “Like any job, being a parent often requires research, the development of special skills, and the development of contacts and support networks.” While she agrees that there is no single “right” solution to every problem because children differ and so do their families, she feels their basic philosophy holds good for all. “We believe the basis of successful child rearing is love, and development of healthy self-esteem. It is every child’s right to have firm guidelines and limits. We are sure that parental guidance based on positive reinforcement works much more successfully than harsh punishment.

“We firmly believe that much ‘bad’ behaviour can be prevented. An aware parent can solve many difficulties before they become overwhelming problems. “We can’t go back to the way things were in our childhood. As parents we have to make the best

of whatever situation we are in. Teaching our children to accept the realities of life and how to cope with change is vital.” This is why the book is based on behaviour modification principles. “Often looking for reasons is not helpful, because you can’t change

the situation.” “Positive Parenting” concentrates on children aged five to 12 in the belief that many books focus on the toddler, preschooler and adolescent, while primary-aged children are overlooked. Both authors admit there is nothing new or

radical about their philosophy. They have been, influenced by Piaget’s understanding of child development: the methods they outline would not work with a child under five, they say — and by William Glasser’s “reality therapy,” which seeks to change behaviour by dealing with what is rather than trying to discover why it occurs. Their ideas are also very much in line with the Parent Effectiveness training programme developed in the United States, which is used by the Australian Health Department. It has been adapted for Australian conditions, and is now taught through schools by counsellors like Jan. Laraine Toms hopes it won’t just be conscientious, middle-class parents who read the book. “We hope to reach a wide range of parents. We’ve deliberately kept it jargon-free, and we’d

hope everybody finds it easy to understand, and non-threatening.” But she agrees that positive parenting methods seem to ask a lot of parents. “A lot of the principles may take time initially, but they will save those long hours of battling. “Let’s get our priorities straight. It may be faster to give a child $lO to go to the movies and say ‘I haven’t got' time to discuss it,’ but the product is so worth-while. We are dealing with children here — they have a right to your time and your caring. And if you don’t, it costs everyone." “Positive Parenting” by Laraine Toms and Jan Levett (Nelson/Hodder and Stoughton), $14.95.

“Today’s children accept rewards as their due, and question your right to punish them!”

“There is nothing new or novel about their philosophy”