Random reminder

Press, 13 January 1987, Page 25

Random reminder

Mudguardly Mobile

To the manager, El Posho Limousine Company.

Dear Madam, As I relaxed in your velvet armchair and fished the cherries out of the drink, using the little umbrella provided, it seemed a good idea at the time to trade in the old car and a couple of the kids and drive off in the new Sports sports. I am beginning to have second thoughts.

, It comes back to me that the U.S.A.F. has a chip’n’transistor rejection rate of .forty per cent, which accounts for a lot of the worried-looking immigrants to this i corner of the Pacific, and I feel that the ■ motor industry is even worse off. ’ I point my Central Locking System Remote Control Unlocker at the vehicle, and the doors are instantly unlocked. . Fair enough. Unless the wind is in the east

; Of course, I can always put down the parcels and find a key and get in manually, and eight seconds is ample r time to find the other key for the device -that makes your ears bleed, if I do not rock the car first and if I have the key and the key. Usually it is okay. Pardon? ' There is generally no difficulty in triggering the garage doors with the beeper on the front grille, except fo the occasional difficulty in triggering the garage doors with the beeper on the front grille. Imagine my surprise, after one difficulty, to find that it was not a dull cloudy day, but quite sunny, once - the door had been unwrapped from the motorcar. A new grille, your people tell • me, will be flown out from Britain at L°nce. ' \ * They are colourful, the warning lamps Jfcat tell me I cracked headlights Trod low transmHsmn oil. The transmission is a puzzle, at least to your people,

who have had the car for 10 of the last 14 working days and who reckon it is full. I understand that bookings have been made at the Clarendon for the team of transmission experts who are also flying out from Britain. Perhaps they will be able to fix the windscreen washers, which are electronically adjustable to squirt in various directions, which results in knocking noises as cyclists kick the door panels, one of which panels conceals the selfrising aerial, which does not now selfrise. A warning light for this seems superfluous since the radio does not now go. The boot-lid-not-shut beeper is medolious. The boot lid not shutting was not due to cyclists. It was due to pedestrians with steel toecaps jumping down off the road. The sunshine roof, being nonelectronic, continues to allow sunshine through. And rain. I would cheer myself up by reading glossy literature, except that it is all in the glove compartment, which has bur-glar-proof digital security, and which thinks I am a burglar. I am not a burglar. This is my own vehicle. I can prove it is my vehicle by the way that the driver’s seat is set Before its Posi-Glide 3-way adjustment blew a chip — anyhow. I can now either reach the pedals OR see through the windscreen.

Not very wen, because the icy blast of the single remaining airconditioner setting has given me a catarrh of the eyebalL The electric windows work beautifully, and very fast I am writing with my left hand. Long may they continue to work, for I see that window winders are not now provided. Pleas can I have my old Morris Minor back?