Played rugby, and did not feel he fitted ‘into gay picture’

Press, 16 May 1985, Page 13

Played rugby, and did not feel he fitted ‘into gay picture’

Brian says that recognising his homosexuality was not a decision that he came to overnight. “It was a gradual awareness and accepting of something that I knew to be there from the age of 12 or 13 when I first felt my sexual preferences. Looking back, I think I didn’t want to look at them too critically. “At 17 or 18, I said to myself that my feelings towards other male friends didn’t mean that I was homosexual, because I had a stereotype idea of homosexuals — effeminate, limp wrists, highpitched voice. I didn’t fit that picture; I played rugby and enjoyed those contact sports.” He says that he knew that his friends were experimenting sexually with other males, because he accidentally came across two of them together. At the age of about 15 he began a sexual relationship with a male friend, which lasted until he was 19.

“I enjoyed sexual intimacy with him,” he says, “but even at that stage I didn’t feel that it was wrong or something to be ashamed of or to feel grubby or dirty about.”

He did not relate his activity to homosexuality. “My mental block was that I was not prepared to

accept that my sexual activity meant I was gay.” In his early 20s he had one or two friends that he was very close to and he fantasised about sexual intimacy with them. “I didn’t share my feelings with them though. I thought they’d reject it or find it abhorrent. They had steady girlfriends, and one of them was engaged.” He felt it necessary to have a girlfriend too, to feel part of that group. He had a couple, but felt no real physical attraction to them.

Then, at 22, he met Angela, and found that she had many qualities that he admired and respected. “I enjoyed talking and sharing things with her.” He did not tell her about his earlier experiences with male friends. “As we moved deeper into our relationship I felt that my feelings for those friends would dissipate.”

Friends advised him not to let her slip through his fingers, so after a short engagement they married. Before their marriage they went on holiday together and Brian met a man to whom he felt sexually attracted, but he still felt that the development of his relationship with Angela would curb or eliminate the feelings he had for males.

He says that they had a fairly full married life. "It was satisfactory,” he says, “but I know there were a number of occasions when I’d fantasise and those fantasies were for men. I think these sexual fantasies increased as I got older.” There was a gradual awakening and awareness of something in himself that had to be resolved. “I felt frustrated and bewildered in many ways about why I was not feeling fully for Angela, and why I was sexually attracted to men.” He took her to a movie “Making Love” as preparation for his revelation about the earlier incidents in his life, and their significance for him.

Even when he took her to lunch the next day he says he was still confused about the term “homosexual” and whether he was one. But having said it to her —• the first time he had mentioned it to anyone — he felt an incredible sense of relief, “as if a great burden had been lifted.”

He was completely unaware, he sees now, of the agony he was putting his wife through. “I was in a state of euphoria, and now I realise that the knowledge was quite devastating.” As a dedicated family man, he

wanted to stay part of the family in spite of “coming out” to his wife. “Knowing one’s sexual orientation doesn’t mean you have to be separated from your family responsibilities and needs,” he explains. “My sexual orientation has ho bearing on my enjoyment or need to be a father. I know other gays who feel the same.”

It was not until Angela gave him an ultimatum, and then developed a relationship with another man, that he moved out of the family home and into a flat.

Even then, he found it very difficult to leave. “I enjoyed being a father,” he says. “It’s not all good, but that's one of the things I really longed for and felt lost about — having early morning breakfast with my son, saying their prayers at night, just being in their presence is something I find it hard to isolate myself from.”

The children visit him at his flat, and he does not think his changed life has changed his relationship with them. “They’ll comment on it and accuse me in moments of anger,” he says. “But that’s something I expected and it will be with them for a long time yet.”

He is not worried about his children seeing him in a gay relationship. “If we are identifying

with our own sexual orientation those areas should be faced openly,” he says. “I think the fear of coming to terms with one’s sexuality is not going to be there if people are going to be honest in their relationships.

He says he has talked to his children about it, but they have not made much comment. (His daughter volunteered the comment that her parents’ separation upset her, but Tm happy for Daddy that he’s happy”)

With the benefit of hindsight, Brain admits that marrying Angela was completely unfair to her. “But I’ve learned a lot about the ramifications of sexuality that I didn’t know then. I still have a very deep regard and very fond friendship for her, and that will never change.”

He feels there is too much emphasis on sexual orientation. “There are very many other qualities that we enjoyed in our relationship that don’t seem to get a mention. I’ll always feel a very deep regard for marriage. “I’ve no regrets about what our marriage and our relationship gave to me. The 10 years of our togetherness were very important to me and my development — not to mention the children, who are very important in my life.”